This Would Have Been Even Weirder A Year Ago

, , , , , , | Learning | April 24, 2020

As our school is preparing to shut down for a disease outbreak, the administration is coordinating the transition to distance learning. These are extracts from emails sent ten minutes apart.

Email #1: “As we cannot guarantee access to any campus buildings, please be sure to bring any materials that you will require to continue working home.”

Email #2: “In response to the deluge of questions, the administration would like to ask all staff working in laboratories to please disregard our previous email.”

Email #3: “To further follow up, any objects of study that are not considered part of laboratory research but are too dangerous or physically large to be moved should remain on campus.”

Email #4: “In light of the continued questions, please disregard our previous guidance on working from home. We would now like you to use common sense when deciding what is appropriate to bring with you.”

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Would You Rather Work With Weirdos Or Creeps?

, , , , , | Working | April 24, 2020

([Coworker #1] and I have an ongoing game where we ask each other “would you rather” questions. Usually, we ask a question in passing and no one else is around. It starts off with “Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant or in his shower drain?” and “Would you rather be a parasitic tick or a bloodsucking leech?”

It has progressed to weirder and weirder questions. Today we are sitting in the lunch room together and I don’t realise that [Coworker #2] has just walked into the room.)

Coworker #1: “Would you rather eat someone else’s eyes from their head or have your eyes gouged out with forks?”

Me: *answers* “Would you rather be shoved up someone else’s a** or have someone shoved up yours?”

Coworker #2: “Nope. No lunch for me today.” *walks out*

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Spoon-Feeding You The Menu

, , , , | Working | April 21, 2020

(I am in a restaurant, sitting quite close to the place where they keep all their menus, so instead of getting the waiter to get me a menu, I take one for myself. A waiter rushes over when he sees me take the menu.)

Waiter: “No, no, no! Sir, you cannot take these yourself!”

Me: “But they are right beside me, and it’s much more convenient to take them myself than to call you over just to take it.”

Waiter: “Sir, please put back the menu this instant. Customers are not supposed to do things by themselves in this restaurant. If you want a menu, you have to call me over to help you take one.”

Me: “Fine. Since you guys are supposed to help with everything, give me a menu, get me an order of [food], and feed me. After that, pay the bill for me, too, will you?”

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Seeing Red Over The Color Blue

, , , , | Related | April 20, 2020

Mom: “I’ve just bought all new mats and towels for the bathroom. I’ve got red since it’s my favourite colour.”

Me: “What? Since when has red been your favourite colour? I thought it was blue.”

Mom: “It’s always been red; I love red.”

Me: “Nothing else you own is red.”

My husband and three-year-old walk in.

Me: “Son, what is Nanny’s favourite colour?”

Three-Year-Old: “Nanny loves blue!”

Husband: “Yeah, it’s blue. Why?”

Me: “She says it’s red!”

Husband: *Laughs* “It’s blue. That’s why your living room is blue, the downstairs toilet is blue, the sofas are blue, and your car is blue.”

Mom: *Getting angry* “No, it’s red. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I send a quick text to my brother asking his opinion.

Me: “[Brother] just sent me one word: blue.”

Mom: “You are all wrong. You are all wrong!”

She grabs the phone and calls her partner on speaker.

Mom: “What is my favourite colour? This lot has it wrong.”

Partner: “It’s blue, isn’t it? You always choose blue.”

Mom: “It’s red! Why don’t you know this?!”

Me: “Mom, every single important person in your life thinks your favourite colour is blue. Trust us; it’s blue.”

It’s been over a year since this happened and my son still colours everything blue for her and tells her it’s her favourite colour when he hands it over.

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Like A Good Neighbor… Don’t Do That

, , , , | Friendly | April 18, 2020

My husband and I just bought land that was subdivided off a property that is across the road from a house that we were renting. We were offered the original house on the subdivided property rent-free while we built our new house.

The owners of the house that we rented moved back in, and when we moved into our new house, the other house was rented out to a family that we were friends with.

The people across the road take a liking to the new family. I am talking with my friend when she brings it up.

Friend: “You are so lucky that you’re in the back house; I wish we were.”

Me: “Because it’s new?”

Friend: “No, to get away from [Neighbor] and her family. They just sit out the front and stare at us.”

Me: “Really? Is it that bad?”

Friend: “No matter what time we are outside, they just sit there and stare. The other day we needed to leave at six am and they were out there staring again. Got home at eleven pm; they were out there staring. It freaks us out. Even when we peek through the blinds, they are out there.”

A few days later, I walk down to our letterbox and notice them doing just that. I wave hello and get called over. 

Me: “Hi, [Neighbor], how are you going? Don’t get to see you much anymore, living down the back.”

Neighbour: “Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that. You need to pull down the garage; we can’t see your house.”

Me: “I can’t pull that down; it’s not even mine.”

Neighbour: “It needs to go. We need to be able to see your house.”

Me: “Ah, okay, um, I guess I’ll mention it to my Dad.”

It’s my dad’s garage.

Neighbour: “Yes, do that. We have to be able to see your house.”

Later, I mentioned the conversation to my Dad. We had a good laugh before I forbid him from ever removing the garage.

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