It’s A Dog’s (Very Short) Life

, , , , , | Right | December 2, 2017

(A customer calls us up asking for her dog to be euthanised. From the call, her dog seems to be extremely old, and suffering considerably. As she isn’t registered with us, we offer to take a look. I am called into the reception after she arrives.)

Receptionist: “[My Name], this is the, umm, ‘old’ dog.”

(I see the customer holding what a dog that I would say is about five or six. It seems perfectly happy and content.)

Me: “Sorry, Mrs. [Customer #1], I thought your dog was elderly and in poor condition.”

Customer #1: “It is! Just look at him. He’s barely holding on. He’s much too old. Just take him, please.”

Me: “How old is he?”

Customer #1: “Five!”

(I look at the receptionist and she is a bewildered as I am.)

Me: “Dogs typically live ten to fifteen years, and this breed can outlive that, easily, with proper care. Judging from his demeanour, he seems fine.”

Customer #1: “Oh, you don’t know what you’re talking about! Fifteen years is far too long. Just take him, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to refuse.”

Customer #1: *huffs* “Why won’t anyone kill my dog?!”

Customer #2: “Because he’s f****** healthy! If you don’t want him, I’ll take him.”

Customer #1: *excited* “Really? You’ll take my old, suffering, close-to-death dog?”

(After [Customer #2] got his own dog back, they both left. Two weeks later, [Customer #1]’s dog was registered with us, and was perfectly healthy. He was recently in for his vaccinations, and [Customer #2] said [Customer #1]’s children were devastated that she was getting rid of him, but since then they regularly go to his house to play with and take care of him, in the company of an owner who isn’t out to kill him.)

Really Feline This Coffee

, , , | Working | December 1, 2017

(I’m in the kitchen at work, making a cup of adequate instant coffee. There’s only a little bit of milk left in the jug so I resolve to use it all, which results in a cup which is almost full to the brim. Realising I won’t be able to carry it over to my desk, but being too early for rational thought, I decide my best course of action is to lean over the bench and sip the top of my coffee until I’m able to carry it. As I perform this task, my supervisor walks into the kitchen. )

Supervisor: “Um… what?”

Me: “My coffee is too full!”

Supervisor: “Oh! I assumed you’ve just been spending too much time with your cat and you finally snapped! Is there any milk left?”

YouTube Is The Window To The Demented Soul

, , , , , | Related | December 1, 2017

(My little sister is sick and I’ve been asked to watch her. Her medicine has the effect of making the user a bit high. I put on one of her favorite shows and start texting my friends. Suddenly I hear the shatter of glass.)

Sister: “BEGONE YE WINDOW!”

(She had jumped through or glass door. She has a huge piece of glass stuck in her arm.)

Me: “Oh, my God! Stay still! Why the heck did you do that?!”

(She remains quiet as I pull out the glass shard and bandage her arm. She smiles brightly when I’m done.)

Sister: “Well, you know us werewolves. We can’t stand glass.”

Me: “…I think you need to lay down and stop watching YouTube for a while.”

A Successful Store Drives In Traffic

, , , , | Right | December 1, 2017

(I am working the late shift at the store, my manager is in the office, and there are no customers in the store. The automatic doors open. I look over and A CAR has driven up on the sidewalk far enough for the doors to open, so I walk outside where the customer has backed his car up. They see me and roll down the window.)

Customer: “Are you guys open?”

Me: *staring wide eyed at the customer* “Yes, and what were you doing?”

Customer: “Oh, I was just trying to read the store hours.”

(Our store hours are not posted on the windows; they are on big letters below our store name!)

Me: “Well, next time, get out of your car and walk up here, instead of scaring people half to death!”

The Greatest Generation Of Debt Payers

, , , , , | Right | December 1, 2017

(The restaurant I work for is in a very small town, and as such, we have a devoted group of elderly regulars that are allowed to have a tab because we see them everyday. One day one of the regulars walks in, hands me a blank check, and tells me to hang it up with his tab.)

Me: “[Regular], what is this for? You only have a few dollars on your tab.”

Regular: “Yes, I know, but I just turned 80!”

Me: “Uh?”

Regular: “So, if I die, you can fill that out and pay for my food! I can’t just not pay!”

Me: *shocked* “[Regular], if you die, I don’t think we’ll be worried about a few dollars for eggs!”

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