Will Need Therapy After The Doctor

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2018

(I am sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, playing on my phone, when a regular customer from my office comes into the room and recognizes me. I know his face, but I don’t know his name or anything about him unless it’s on my work computer.)

Regular: “Hey, don’t you work over at [Local Cable Company]?”

Me: “Yes, I do.”

(I really just want sit there in peace, but I now know this won’t be a possibility.)

Regular: “You’re still over there?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

(He sits down next to me.)

Regular: “You probably don’t like to talk about work when you’re not there, huh?”

Me: “No, I usually don’t.”

Regular: “So, I’ve got this problem with my box in my bedroom. I’ve got a couple of boxes, but you know that already.”

Me: “…”

Regular: “So, this box… When I’m using the remote, it freezes up when I’m changing channels, as you know already, and the girl upstairs from me is a tech for you guys. You know who I’m talking about.”

Me: “…”

Regular: “So, she and the other girl, they’re, you know, ‘together,’ and we don’t really get along. I think she’s hacking into my box.”

Me: *long pause* “It’s most likely that your box is just getting old and it’s time to get a newer model. If not that, then it’s likely that your signal levels might be a bit off.”

Regular: “I don’t know. She really doesn’t like me, and I think she’s trying to get back at me.”

Me: “I think it’s unlikely that she would hack into your cable box just to slow down your ability to change channels.”

Regular: “Oh! You don’t think so?”

Me: “No, I think it’s more likely that it’s just time to replace your box.”

Regular: “Oh, okay.” *pause* “I’ve been having trouble getting Windows 10 to install…”

(He grilled me for another ten minutes about random software issues until I was mercifully called in to see the doctor.)

You’ve Found Area 51

, , , , | Legal | October 8, 2018

(I’m on a long road trip with my two young children. The youngest is only six weeks old. She is crying to eat, so I pull off the highway at the nearest exit. The only thing around is a decrepit-looking barn, so I turn into the driveway to be met with a locked gate. I turn around and park. Within seconds, two police vans pull up and block me in.)

Officer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I just wanted to feed my baby. Should I leave?”

Officer: “No, that’s fine.”

(The officers then watched as I unbuckled my daughter from her car seat, and once I was sitting in the front seat with her, they pulled away. Now, I can’t stop thinking… what the heck was in that barn?)

Strongly Massaging Their Need To Use The Restroom

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2018

(I work at a locally-owned massage business as a receptionist. A fairly skinny woman comes in:)

Customer: “Hi, I want to make an appointment, but can I use your bathroom really quick? I’m pregnant and have to pee all the time.”

(I notice she’s not visibly pregnant, but brush it off.)

Me: “Okay, it’s upstairs, the first room on the right.”

Customer: “Thanks.”

(She looks around and says, fairly loudly:)

Customer: “WOW! THIS PLACE IS GORGEOUS!” *runs upstairs*

(She’s upstairs for a long time, when finally I hear the bathroom door shut. She doesn’t come down for a while. I hear her thumping around upstairs, and then finally she comes down, in a rush.)

Customer: “I JUST REMEMBERED; I HAVE TO MEET MY SISTER! I’LL BE BACK. BYE!” *rushes out the door*

(I knew she took something, but we don’t keep anything valuable upstairs. She took a metal bowl and a desk clock, but the weirdest part was that she crumpled up a newly-folded blanket and threw it in the corner. She never came back.)

Now Serving Sour Grapes

, , , , , | Right | October 7, 2018

(I am bagging for one of the cashiers. One lady comes up with a bag of two kinds of grapes. Due to policy, the cashiers have to weigh them separately, even if they cost the same. My coworker carefully pulls out one of the sets of grapes and sets it on a paper towel so she can weigh it.)

Customer: “What are you doing?!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we have to weigh the grapes separately.”

Customer: “I want new grapes! You touched them!”

Coworker: *looks really confused at this point* “Ma’am—”

Customer: “You know what? Never mind!”

(The transaction gets finished, the customer leaves, and both of us are dead confused.)

Me: “What the heck was that about?”

Coworker: “I have no idea, but it seems like she doesn’t know you’re supposed to wash grapes… or how many people stick their hands in those bags.”

The Way He Extends His Stay Is Worth Checking Out

, , , | Right | October 7, 2018

(I work in a hotel. A man comes up to the desk and gives me his key.)

Me: “Hi, checking out?”

Customer: *smiles* “Yes.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I print out the receipt and give it to him.)

Me: “Thanks for staying, and have a good day!”

Customer: “You, too.”

(The next day, the same man comes up to me and again wordlessly gives me his keys.)

Me: “Hi, checking out?”

Customer: “No, I wanted to extend my stay! And yesterday, I wanted to extend my stay, not check out! That’s why I gave you my keys!”

Me: “Okay…”

(Pro-tip: If you give the clerk your keys and tell them that you want to check out, we will check you out!)

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