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I Speak Like This Not To Mock, But So You Understand: Shut Up

, , , , , | Right | March 16, 2023

I’m working the box office at a movie theater on a busy Saturday, and it’s in the middle of a massive rush. Naturally, I’ve been dealing with a lot of people, and not all of them have been pleasant. A woman storms up to me, furious. She is foreign and is shrieking in broken English.

Customer: *Shrieking* “My seat filthy! Filthy! I demand clean service!”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. Let me see if I can find the usher to come and check your seat.”

Customer: *Continuing to shriek at full volume* “No! You, stupid! You clean now! Or I get you fired! Clean seat now!”

I glance over to a manager and ask her to cover my register while I follow the woman.

Customer: *Growling as we walk* “Shameful service! Need clean! No clean! Should be fired!”

We eventually get to her auditorium, and she points to her seat. There are several people around staring at us. Clearly, they’re not exactly thrilled about the lady who has been freaking out. I’m confused.

Me: “Uh, ma’am… are you sure this is the right seat?”

Customer: *Bellowing* “YES!”

I lean in and take a closer look. There’s… literally nothing wrong with the seat whatsoever that I can see. It looks completely and utterly spotless.

Me: “Ma’am… this seat is clean. I’m not seeing how it’s ‘filthy’.”

Customer: “LOOK, STUPID!”

She points her finger at a very specific random spot on the seat. I literally put my face RIGHT next to her finger, only a few inches away from the fake leather that her rear end is about to be sitting on.

There is a single… teeny… tiny… minuscule… near-invisible speck of something. It’s probably just a piece of popcorn. When I say small, I mean it. This thing is a fraction of a millimeter — so small that I literally could not see it until I literally had my eye about an inch away. And it’s so small that any reasonable person would not see it, which is probably why the usher didn’t get it off.


Annoyed that I’ve been called “stupid” three times over something that not a single rational person would even notice, let alone become violently angry about, I sigh. I stand up, look her right in the eyes, lift up my hand, and smack the seat very hard where the speck is in a sweeping motion, making sure to be as loud as I can be, while not breaking eye contact.

Me: *Bluntly* “Stupid has cleaned. Customer sit now and no complain again about fake issue. I go. Don’t follow. Buh-bye.”

Immediately, several of the people around us start chuckling and giggling while she stands there, flabbergasted. I turn and walk away.

Customer: “FIRED!”

A female customer sitting near her speaks up.

Customer #2: “Oh, shut the f*** up, b****!”

I hear more giggles and chuckles behind me.

Customer: *Obnoxiously loud and exaggerated* “Hmph!”

I didn’t even bother to turn around and see what happened.

A little while later, one of the other customers walked up to me and told me that everyone was joking about how I dealt with it. Evidently, the woman was being a huge fuss before she came and got me, and they were all deeply amused by seeing an employee who wasn’t gonna put up with her drama over a complete non-issue.

Admittedly, the fact I had just put in my two-week notice might have been a contributing factor.

A Rose By Any Other Price

, , , , , | Right | March 16, 2023

This happened a few years ago to a coworker of mine. The customer had a thick accent, like Russian or something. We don’t have anyone in the store who could translate for this person to explain to them about the price.

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yesterday, the roses were buy-one-get-one-free.”

Coworker: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Customer: “But today they are $12.99 a piece.”

Coworker: “Yes.”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand. Yesterday, they were buy-one-get-one-free.”

Coworker: “Yes.”

Customer: “But today they are $12.99 a piece.”

Coworker: “Yes, that’s right.”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand. Yesterday they were buy-one-get-one-free.”

Coworker: “…Uh-huh.”

Customer: “But today they are $12.99 a piece!”

Coworker: “That’s correct.”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand—”

Coworker: “Ma’am. Yes, yesterday, they were buy-one-get-one-free. It’s a new week, so the sale is over and they are now $12.99 a piece.”

Customer: “…No, you don’t understand.”

This went on for a while. The customer did not buy any roses.

Nothing Cartoonish About That At All

, , , , | Right | March 16, 2023

Client: “I have a very specific idea in mind. Our company is from [State]. We are known for [State] lobsters. I would like my logo to show a red [State] lobster wearing a hard hat with the company name on the front. The lobster is tough-looking. I don’t want this to look too much like a cartoon character; I want it to be professional, but light-hearted, to show that our company is approachable. The lobster will be turning the wheel handle on a standard gate valve. For the gate valve, please note the number of holes on the side: eight in total. Do not include the brand name. I would like the gate valve to be silver or gray with a blue handle.”

We’re Gonna Need Some Context

, , , , | Right | March 15, 2023

I am working at the customer service desk of a grocery store.

Customer: “So… my friend did something stupid and he’s missing his finger.”

I blink and take a moment to process what I just heard. Before I can start my response, there’s a call from one of the aisles.

Voice: “Found it!”

Customer: “Oh, never mind!”

The customer rushed off in the direction of the voice while I furiously called for my manager and possibly a cleaning crew.

The Only LSD Here Is A Low-Success Demand

, , , , | Right | March 15, 2023

I was working at a comics and gaming store, and a guy came in looking for a board game recommendation. I showed him a few games, and he chose one. I started to check him out.

Customer: “I’m going to play this game with my friend while we do LSD. Want to join us?”

Oh, yeah, I can think of nothing I would rather do than psychedelics with random men. I’m not sure how he thought he and his friends would play a board game while on LSD in the first place.