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Aiming For A High Volume Of Responses

, , , , | Working | December 31, 2021

My husband and I are just tucking into our supper one evening when the phone rings. The caller ID says it’s a government department, so I figure I had better answer it. The caller mumbles something about doing a survey regarding cannabis. I try to keep an open mind because various disabilities could cause someone to speak very slowly and slur their words, but she genuinely sounds like she’s stoned out of her gourd.

Caller: “Do you have ten minutes to answer our survey questions?”

Me: “I’m in the middle of my supper.”

Caller: “Can I call back in an hour?”

Me: “Sure.”

It was a very well-spoken young man who called back later, so I’m wondering if she really was impaired and, the calls being monitored, was pulled from the phones.

On a side note, one of the questions the young man asked was whether I had ever been a passenger in a vehicle operated by someone under the influence of cannabis. I told him that, as I had grown up in the 1970s, there was a very good chance of that.

What’s In A Name? Oh, It’s Salad.

, , , , , , , | Working | December 31, 2021

I find a new vegetarian restaurant I want to try out, so I place an order online. As part of the process, of course, I have to type in my full name. It’s relevant that I have a slightly unusual name, but it’s still similar to a common name and most people have no trouble with it. Let’s say it’s something like “Kellyn Smythe” instead of the more expected “Ellen Smith.”

I place the order and the restaurant’s website tells me it will take forty-three minutes for my food to be ready, which seems like a suspiciously long time for a salad, but hey, it’s the lunch rush. I stop by the restaurant twenty-five minutes later just to check on the progress, content to wait if my order isn’t ready. I check the shelf for takeout bags and don’t see any with my name.

Worker: “What was your order?”

Me: “Oh, it was an Asian salad, but it’s not supposed to be ready yet, so I don’t mind waiting.”

Worker: “We have it! Look again!”

Me: “I don’t think—”

Worker: “It’s definitely that one! Take it already!”

The bag has a name that’s nothing at all close to mine and is spelled with odd extra letters! It’s like “Chharlinn Ssplrythe.”

Me: “I don’t want to take someone else’s lunch!”

Worker: “It will get bad if you don’t eat it now! Don’t you want it?”

Me: “I really don’t think this is right, but okay, if you insist!”

The food turned out to be exactly what I ordered, even with a customization, so I guess it really was mine all along? Still, I have so many questions! Why was my food ready so early, and yet no one told me about it? And how could they mess up my name so much when I literally TYPED IT IN for them? So much that it didn’t even look like a name you could pronounce anymore? And why was the worker mad at me? At least the meal was delicious!

Untitled Goose Story

, , , , | Right | December 30, 2021

I am working at the customer service desk at a craft store when the phone rings.

Customer: “Hi, do you have any geese?”

Me: “Uh… geese?”

Customer: “Yeah, like a little goose to put on your desk?”

I figure she means a figurine or a plushie. It’s close to Easter, so maybe we have something in our seasonal section.

Me: “If you hold for a minute, I’ll go check for you.”

I look in our seasonal Easter section but don’t find much.

Me: “Ma’am, I found some duck plushies, but no geese.”

Customer: “Well, do the ducks look like geese?”

Me: *Utterly dumbfounded* “Umm… I’m sorry, but I’m not an expert on the differences between ducks and geese. You could come in and look at our selection to see if anything works for you?”

Customer: “Okay, thank you!”

The customer was polite and friendly the whole time. But really, who calls a craft store looking for geese?

The Game’s Afoot, Because There Are No Hands

, , , | Right | December 30, 2021

While designing a Sherlock Holmes poster for a children’s theater group. 

Client: “You know how you have both Watson and Holmes? Just take out Watson and make Holmes bigger. Also, take out Sherlock’s hands.”

Me: “But then the notebook he’s holding will be floating…”

Client: “I can’t overstate how okay I am with a floating notebook.”

You Know That Outcome Is Worse, Right?

, , , , | Right | December 28, 2021

I am a forklift driver at a warehouse. The duty manager is telling me what needs to be done next when a guy storms up to him.

Customer: “You have way too many handicapped spaces in your parking lot! There are six spaces and there is a car in only one of them. I demand that this be changed! I mean, if they are handicapped, how much can they carry?”

Duty Manager: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but the number of spaces is determined by law. Before we opened, the Fire Marshall measured the size of our sales floor and gave us a maximum occupancy number, and that is what determines how many spaces we, by law, must have.”

Customer: “Thank you. I did not know that. I am going to go home and write my congressman right now.”

He then turned and stomped out.