Lipsticks On Pugs

, , , , | Right | February 5, 2019

(I’m cashing a woman out and making casual conversation.)

Customer: “How long have you worked here?”

Me: “About a year and a half. What do you do for a living?”

Customer: “Oh, I’m starting a business. It’s like a brothel, but you trade a pug in for a prostitute. I started a Kickstarter to fund it.”

Me: “Oh, well… Good luck with that.”

Customer: “Thanks, darling. Have a great day!”

Oh, I Just Can’t Wait To Be Over This Shift

, , , , | Right | February 5, 2019

(We have been playing “The Lion King” for the past couple of weeks in a couple of our theaters. They are only for children and their parents/guardians. We have had quite a few strange encounters during this time.)

Me: “Hello.”

Customer #1: “Can I get one ticket for The Lion King, please?”

Me: “Just one?”

Customer #1: “For my son.”

(The son looks about five years old.)

Me: “He does need to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.”

Customer #1: “There will be other parents in there who can look after him.”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t allow that to happen. They are complete strangers to both you and him.”

Customer #1: *nonchalant* “Fine. I guess I’ll watch it with him. Where’s the bar? I need a mojito.”

Me: “We don’t have a bar.”


(Another customer:)

Me: “Good afternoon. How can I help you?”

Customer #2: “I’d like to book an entire theatre, please, for The Lion King.”

Me: “Oh, okay. The next empty screening is 5:00 pm. We normally charge at the adult rate, with 10% discount because you’re buying en masse. That should be… £446.40.”

Customer #2: “For one ticket? That’s outrageous!

Me: “No, that’s for the whole theatre.”

Customer #2: “But I only want one ticket. My son has social anxiety and can’t sit with anyone.”

Me: “But booking an entire theatre means paying for every seat.”

Customer #2: “But you have to give me special treatment. My son has a mental illness!”

Me: “I’m afraid that doesn’t affect how we operate. I know my manager wouldn’t authorise booking an entire theatre for the price of one ticket. It would be a significant loss in revenue.”

Customer #2: “Then what am I supposed to do?”

Me: “He could watch it on DVD?”

Customer #2: “That won’t be very special. He hasn’t seen it in twenty years!”

Me: “Twenty? The viewings are for children only.”


(Another customer:)

Customer #3: “Is this a new Lion King movie?”

Me: “No, this is a rescreening for the original movie. It’s for children.”

Customer #3: “Why would children be interested? They wouldn’t have been born.”

Me: “Well, the owners feel these films are important, because they are part of what is called the ‘Disney Renaissance.’ Films like this may never be created again, or capture the true magic of that age.”

Customer #3: *laughing* “Oh, my. You women really are stupid. No one is going to be interested in watching a crappy old film!”

(He then stood around for twenty minutes, laughing at anyone who bought a ticket for “The Lion King.” We had to call the police. Another customer… This woman comes up to the counter wearing a lion headpiece, that looks a lot like the one worn by Luna Lovegood in one of the Harry Potter movies.)

Customer #4:The Lion King, please.”

Me: “How many tickets?”

Customer #4: “Just one. It’s just me.”

Me: “Oh, I’m afraid these screenings are only for children and their parents or guardians.”

Customer #4: *looking absolutely devastated and tearing up* “Oh, no. That’s so sad. It’s my favourite movie.”

Me: “I am sorry. Maybe you could watch it on DVD or Bluray. I assume you have it?”

Customer #4: “Oh, I have several!”

Me: “Well, there you go.”

Customer #4: “I can’t take them out of the packaging, though. That would ruin them!” *sighs* “I guess I’ll just have to torrent it.”

Could Have Become A Powder Keg

, , , , | Legal | February 5, 2019

Years ago, after my first husband passed away, I was cleaning out his closet and found some half-used cans of various gunpowders used for making his own ammunition.  

I figured I wouldn’t be able to sell it once it was opened, and didn’t know anyone at that time who made their own bullets, so I decided to give it to the firearms officer at our local police station.

Standing in line for my turn, there was only one other person waiting: a very large biker guy with full-colour leathers who was behind me.

When it was my turn, I approached the desk with my arm outstretched holding a large, brown paper bag. “I need to give you this gun powder,” I said.

The lady’s eyes grew large as she stepped back. At the same time, I notice the large biker guy out of the side of my eye moving slowly back toward the door. “Let me get someone,” she said, ditching around the corner.

In that moment, I realized it probably was not a very smart move bringing a bag of gun powder into the police station unannounced. Ultimately, they decided to accept it as a ‘Lost and Found’ object and let me go on my way. Note to self…

Smells Like Trouble

, , , , | Right Romantic | February 4, 2019

(As I’m getting to the end of my evening shift, I check out this lady on her phone. It goes fairly well — she’s communicating with me and such — and then a jerk customer comes in and talks about how good she smells.)

Creepy Customer: “Hey, ma’am, you smell so amazing! I could smell you all over the store, and here you are!”

Lady: *talking to the person on the phone* “This guy here is smelling me.”

(I can’t hear the person on the other end, but I’m sure they ask where she is. I’m assuming it’s her husband.)

Lady: “I’m checking out at the store.”

Creepy Customer: “Hey, lady, some people would take that as a compliment!” *puts his arms around her*

Lady: *pushes him away, and has this look on her face while she pays and leaves*

Me: *starts checking out said creep, not saying one word as I am watching what he does*

Creepy Customer: *starts shouting his number*

Me: *holding a heavy case of beer* “Please, one sec.”

Creepy Customer: *still saying the number over and over*

Me: *starts bagging*

Creepy Customer: *grabs my arm* “Hey, I like your watch! Give me your watch. Haha.”

Me: *jerks back fast, giving him a look*

Creepy Customer: *gets annoyed and has his friend pay*

Me: *asks another cashier to get a manager and fast*

(I had to stay late so I could inform the manager and report the creepy jerk. The manager took a look at the cameras to know what the creep looked like so he could tell the other managers. No, I don’t think the creepy jerk was drunk. The only thing I could smell was my lotion, and that’s probably what he could smell.)

School Is Not Much Of An Improvement Over Hospital

, , , | Healthy | February 1, 2019

(I’m a nurse in a smallish community hospital. A number of our patients are awaiting placement in long-term care and aren’t acutely ill. However, because they’re living in a germy hospital, they’re inclined to pick up bugs, and older folks with cognitive decline can get intensely confused with any sort of infection. One morning, one of our longtime patients, an older, bedridden lady, starts telling us all that she’s on a couch in a schoolhouse in a completely different small town and she needs to get back to the hospital. She laughs at us when we try to explain that she’s already in the hospital, and has a shouting match with her husband when he comes in and tries, as well. Later in the day, I’m doing some charting at the nursing station and answer a phone call:)

Me: “[Floor], [My Name] speaking.”

Patient: “Oh, hi. I’m just calling to let you know that I’m not there today; I’m at the school in [Town].”

Me: “[Patient], you are here today. I saw you this morning. I helped with your bath.”

Patient: “No, I’m not. I’m in [town], but I thought I should call in case [Husband] is looking for me.”

Me: “[Patient], your husband was in this morning. To the hospital. Where you are. In room [number]. Look. I’ll walk down the hall to your room.”

Patient: *laughs* “Okay, you do that; I won’t be there, though.”

(I walk down the hall, while talking to the patient on the cordless extension, and into her room. She sees me and continues talking over the phone to me.)

Patient: “Oh, a girl’s here now!”

Me: *hangs up* “[Patient], that’s me; you were just talking to me.”

Patient: *keeps talking into the phone* “See, I’m in [Town] and I need to get back to the hospital!”

(I gave up; she would not be reoriented. Later, I answered a call from our switchboard, who patched through 911. The patient had called them to ask to be returned to the hospital. I had to go back to her room to talk to the 911 dispatch on her phone and cancel the request. Then I disconnected her phone. This patient is recovered and quite lucid once more.)

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