Besssssst To Call Ahead

, , , | Right | June 14, 2018

(The standard way to get Internet via DSL in Germany is using the telephone line; all households have a special telephone outlet built in the wall along with the standard European power outlets and cable outlets for TV.)

Me: “This is the technical service of [ISP]. My name is [My Name], and I assume I’m speaking to Mr. [Caller]?”

Caller: “Hello, yes, exactly. You see, my Internet won’t work!”

Me: “Hello, sir. Yes, the lady from first level told me about your problem. Can you describe what the LED indicators on your router are doing and what kind of a router do you use?”

(It’s an expensive and a very stable router, which doesn’t belong to the ISP brand, but on rare occasions I do make an exception and help with minor issues, since I have the exact same box at home. In this case, however, it seems that nothing is wrong with the box. I then ask the customer to tell me about the indicators and what he’s already tried, while doing a bunch of tests and trying multiple things to bring him back online.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Unfortunately, I can’t just repair it like this; it doesn’t work. Everything seems normal, but the connection just isn’t there. It may be your telephone outlet, but I’ll have to send a field technician to check it out, and exchange it if necessary.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t really like this, but you did really try.”

(We then book an appointment for him.)

Caller: “Oh, and one important thing: is it possible for your guy to call about 30 minutes before coming?”

Me: “They usually call before they have to check something in someone’s house.”

Caller: “Yes, but how long before? I have to prepare everything here.”

Me: “Let me think… The last time I got a field tech at home, he called about 15 minutes earlier to ask if it was okay. But you don’t need to prepare anything; I can assure you our techs know what they’re doing.”

Caller: “Oh, you see, I don’t know how to explain this, but since he’s going to work on my telephone outlet… You see, it’s behind a giant snake terrarium!”

(Needless to say, I wrote that down with the extra plea to call the customer a bit earlier.)

Some Goggles Into A Weird World

, , , , | Right | June 13, 2018

(I fix computers and electronics at a small-town electronics shop, in what is a pretty touristy town in the summer. In the winter the lake is frozen over and the tourists tend to stay home. It is currently the middle of winter, and well below freezing. My manager walks over.)

Manager: “Hey, you have a lot of experience working with small things; do you think you could fix this?”

(I look up to see a ten- to twelve-year-old girl peeking over my counter, and my manager hands me a pair of swim goggles with the nose-piece in the center unclipped from both eye cups.)

Me: “Uh… Sure? I can take a look?”

Manager: “I tried to get them back together, but my fingers just can’t work with something that small.”

(I manage to get the nose piece snapped back onto the eye cups, fixing the swimming goggles.)

Me: “Here you go.”

(My manager hands them back to the little girl, who whispers something to my manager and hands her something I can’t see. The little girl runs off happily.)

Manager: “You get a treat!”

(She hands me a small chocolate bar that the girl has given her to give me.)

Me: “Uh, thanks?”

Manager: “She couldn’t figure out why her mother sent her here to get those fixed. I guess because it’s difficult.”

(I was left very touched by the little girl sharing her treat, but very confused why she was sent to an electronics store to get swim goggles fixed… and wondering where she was going to go swimming in the frozen-over lake.)

Who’s A Good Dress?!

, , , , | Right | June 12, 2018

(I answer a phone in the alterations department of a bridal shop.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Hi! It’s [Customer]. I just wanted to check on my dress.”

Me: “Ah, do you want to know when your pickup appointment is, or maybe move it?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I know it’s next month.”

Me: “I see! Sorry, if it’s that far out, we won’t have even touched your dress yet–”

Customer: “Oh, I know! It’s fine! I just wanted to know how it was doing.”

Me: “It’s… Uh, we haven’t worked on it.

Customer: “I know! I just want to know how it’s doing.”

Me: *glances at dress rack* “Well, I see it in the line? I’m sure we’ll get to it next week.”

Customer: “Great! Thanks! See you next month!” *click*

Coworker: *overhearing* “Yes, ma’am. Your dress is very happy here. It likes the other dresses.”

Plush With Discomfort

, , , , , | Right | June 12, 2018

(I work in a library.)

Customer: “You! Question!”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

(The customer gestures at the public computers in the middle of the room.)

Customer: “Why is it people who want to play stupid Internet games for an hour get to sit in plush comfort, while those of us who want to use the library services have to stand?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.”

(The customer points to the far end of the room, where a catalogue-only computer is on a high desk, with no chair.)

Customer: *increasingly loudly* “I want to look up books, which is what this place is here for, and I am forced to stand to do so, while anyone who wants to waste library resources gets to sit in plush comfort.”

Me: “I see. Well, there’s two catalogue computers next to the photocopier; those have chairs if you’d like to sit down while you look up your books.”

Customer: “I am not wasting library resources, unlike everyone else in here.”

Me: “Of course. Also, the catalogue is Internet-based, so you can really use any of the computers to look up books, but you’ll need to log in with your library card.”

Customer: “I need to log in to use a chair?

Me: “Not if you use the catalogues next to the photocopier.”

(The customer glares at me for a moment, then turns to leave. He stops at the door, turns back toward me, and points at me, scowling.)

Customer: “PLUSH COMFORT!”

Customer #2: “…what?”

Me: “I have no idea.”

Restroom Leads To Arrest Rooms

, , , , , , | | Right | June 12, 2018

(Our store’s bathrooms are closed for renovations. However, one of our neighboring stores has allowed our customers to use their restrooms until we are finished. One day, I notice a customer trying to get into our bathrooms, despite signs clearly explaining our current situation.)

Customer: “Why the hell are your bathrooms locked?! I need to take a p**s!”

(I am a bit irritated at her sudden anger, but I try my best to remain calm and polite.)

Me: “Our restrooms are currently being renovated. However, [Store next to us] is allowing our customers to use their restroom.”

Customer: “F*** you! I need to p**s! I’m not walking all the way over there!”

Me: “Ma’am, our bathrooms are being renovated. They do not even have sinks yet. We would be happy to hold your items at the front while you go next door. It is not a very long walk.”

(We argue back and forth for several minutes. I even show her the bathrooms in an attempt to prove my point. After nearly five minutes, I manage to calm her down a bit.)

Me: “Would you like me to hold your stuff at the front?”

Customer: “No. I want to finish shopping first. I’m already over here.”

(She ended up taking some clothes into the dressing room to try a few items on. However, after a minute or two, I saw liquid leaking from under the curtain. Since there was only a curtain, not a locking door, I checked on her just to be sure. Upon opening the curtain, I was greeted by a horrible sight. She had taken off her pants and was squatting over a pile of clothes, including some of our most expensive items, and relieving herself, both #1 and #2. Even after I opened the curtain, she continued peeing at full force for nearly a minute. I was only able to stand there in disgust and horror. Upon finishing, she stood up, wiped herself with yet another article of clothing, and pulled up her pants, all while maintaining eye contact with me. I managed to call security before she left, and she ended up paying for the damage and being banned from our store, but not before she blamed our store for what had happened.)

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