You’ve Lost Your Marbles

, , , | Learning | June 15, 2017

(I am in the teacher’s staff room during break. Another teacher comes in and sits down on the same sofa as me. She practically goes pale.)

Me: “Are you all right?”

Teacher: *shaking her head* “I… there’s something on the sofa.”

Me: “What? Get up and let’s see.”

Teacher: *shaking her head more* “No.”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Teacher: “I…”

(I lean in.)

Teacher: “I… I’VE S**T MYSELF!”

(She jumps up screaming that she needs to get to a toilet, but not sure how she can without running into students. I stare in disbelief for a moment before looking down at the seat. I start to laugh.)

Me: “[Teacher]! [TEACHER]! It was just a marble.”

(She stops jumping around and stares at the marble for a second before joining me in the laughter.)

Teacher: “That’s a relief!”

(Break ended ten minutes later, and as we stepped outside, every student there screamed “I’VE S*** MYSELF!”)

Cycling Through Useless Answers

, , , | Right | June 14, 2017

(I’m working at the auto desk in an auto parts and cycle store. There’s a separate desk for the cycling department, but people usually come to the auto desk if the cycling one is busy. This takes place on a hectic Sunday afternoon:)

Customer With Child: “What size is he?”

Me: “Uh… In regards to what, sorry?”

Customer With Child: “What frame size does he need?”

Me: “Oh, I’m not sure. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk with the cycle colleagues for that. Auto colleagues are only trained with car things.”

Customer With Child: “But they’re busy. Just help me or call someone over.”

Me: “All of the cycle colleagues are serving at the cycle desk, but as soon as one is free they’ll be able to help you.”

Customer With Child: “Just tell me the frame size, for f***’s sake!”

Me: “I couldn’t even guess. They can help you at the cycle desk.”

Customer With Child: “Say a number! JUST SAY IT!”

Me: “…3?”

Customer With Child: “Ugh, you’re useless.” *rolls eyes and walks out*

This Friendship Is Turning Bitter

, , , , | Friendly | June 14, 2017

(My friend and I are at an amusement park. We’re both hungry, so we decide to buy French fries from a restaurant the park is famous for. They offer malt vinegar in small packets, and my friend grabs a few.)

Friend: *opens packets of vinegar, then drinks all of them* “That was a really bad idea. I need water!”

(The park offers souvenir cups that are $1 to refill for the entire season.)

Friend: *returning* “The line was too long. And I don’t have a dollar. I’ll just suffer.”

Me: “Why the h*** would you drink malt vinegar in the first place?!”

Friend: “…shut up. I like the taste.”

Night Of The Entitled Dead

, , , , | Right | June 12, 2017

(I work for a complaints department in an insurance company. The caller stopped paying their life insurance premiums and understandably (you’d think), his policy was cancelled. He contacted us a few years later.)

Customer: “But how could you have cancelled the policy? You owe me £3,000!”

Me: “That’s the amount of cover you had on the policy. Because the premiums haven’t been paid, the policy has lapsed and you’re no longer covered. Because it was life insurance, it would only have paid out that amount on your death.”

Customer: “How DARE you tell me I’m not dead! I demand you pay me MY money IMMEDIATELY!”

Must Have Some Emotional Scars

, , , | Romantic | June 12, 2017

(My wife has a habit of talking in her sleep when she is stressed. In the middle of the night, I really need to go to the bathroom. When I come back, the following happens.)

Wife: *in a evil voice* “We need to kill him.”

Me: “Sorry, hon; what did you say?”

Wife: “Shh. He is here.”

(As I am lying down in the bed, my wife turns to me.)

Wife: *in a creepy voice* “Long… live… the… king…”

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