You’d Better Return Your Time Turner

, , , , , | Learning | July 28, 2020

My senior year of high school, I have two study hall periods. About a week into the school year, one of the guidance counselors approaches me during study hall.

Counselor: “[My Name], why haven’t you been attending cooking class?”

Me: “Because I’m not taking cooking class?”

Counselor: “You’re on the class roster and you’ve been marked absent every day.”

Me: “That’s weird. It’s not on my course schedule.”

Counselor: “Huh. Did you sign up for it?”

Me: “No. I signed up freshman year, but I switched classes a couple of weeks in, and I definitely didn’t sign up for it this year.”

Counselor: “Do you want to take it?”

Me: “No.”

Counselor: “Okay, I guess we’ll remove you from the class, then.”

It was admittedly unusual for a student to have two Study Halls, and I initially assumed that the cooking class took place during one of my two study halls, but I later learned that it actually shared the same time block as my AP Calculus class. Apparently, I was supposed to be in two places at once. Very strange.

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When You DON’T Want The Juicy Details

, , , , | Right | July 28, 2020

I am twenty, working as a cashier. It is early in the morning when things are slow. This is usually when the elderly shoppers come in because they like to have the time to chat with the cashiers. I have grown accustomed to this and often engage in friendly chat with them.

Looking up from my previous customer, I see that the next one in line is an elderly gentleman.

Me: “Good morning, sir!”

I started scanning his products.

Customer: “Good morning, dearie. I have cancer!”

Me: “Oh, dear, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

I’m blanking; what just happened? Did he really just say this?

Customer: “…”

Me: “Well, uh, what kind of cancer?”

I am sensing he wants to talk about it as he is looking at me expectantly.

Customer: “Oh, well, it’s taken over almost all of my kidney and the doctors want to remove it completely, but I don’t want them to take my kidney! I need two!”

Me: “Oh, actually, you only need—”

Customer: “—so that is why I asked my son to teach me how to use ‘the Google’ and you will not believe what I found! Pomegranate juice cures cancer!”

Me: “Um… well… I don’t know about that… Wouldn’t everyone know about that, then?”

I am not equipped for these types of conversations! The customer completely glosses over my expressed doubts.

Customer: “So, how much do I owe you, dearie?”

I look at what I have been scanning and see over eight bottles of pomegranate juice.

Me: “Your total is €28.96.”

Customer: “Here you go. Have a lovely day; you are a sweetheart.”

He left with a big smile on his face. I took a break after that to deal with my heart that had been shattered into a million pieces.

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Dirt Made My Lunch

, , , , , | Related | July 27, 2020

My son’s girlfriend, who lives with us, has a bunch of pet hermit crabs who also live with us. She recently bought a new tank for them, but the pet store didn’t have the sterilized dirt and sand she needed for the bottom.

My son does some research and finds that raising the sand/dirt to such-and-such a temperature for some amount of time will kill all the bad microbes. He proceeds to fill two pans — one with dirt and one with sand — and bake them in the oven. The smell that results is… interesting, to say the least.

My husband comes home and enters the kitchen.

Husband: “What’s cooking?” *Opens the oven* “Is that dirt?”

Me: “Yep.”

Husband: “Why are you baking dirt?”

Me: “This is what happens when you ask [Son] to cook dinner.”

I let him give me puzzled looks for a good thirty seconds before I explained.

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Now We Know Why He Was So Sweet

, , , | Right | July 27, 2020

It’s evening, about an hour before close.

Customer: “Hey, guys, you’re gonna hate me. I’m sorry, you’re gonna hate me. But can I ask something?”

Me: “Go ahead.”

Customer: “Do you have any decaf left?”

Me: “Oh, I actually just brewed a pot about five minutes ago! What size would you like?”

Customer: “A medium. That’s so cool! I can’t believe you have decaf this late! You guys are awesome!”

Me: *Getting his coffee* “I mean, even if we didn’t have it, we’d brew a fresh one for you! Here you go.”

Customer: “You guys are amazing. You’re wonderful. I love you. I love you guys. Has anybody told you today that they love you?”

Me: “Um, yes?”

Customer: “Good! Because I love you. I want you to know that. You guys are awesome and I love you.”

Me: “Thanks, sir, have a great night.”

He wanders off to the condiment bar and I go back to cleaning and chatting with my coworker. After a moment he comes back with the jar of white sugar, which is now empty.

Customer: “Hey, I’m super sorry to bug you guys but could I have some more sugar?”

Me: “Oh, for sure. No worries.”

I take the jar and refill it from the bag.

Customer: “You guys are awesome. You guys are great. I love you.”

I hand him the sugar and he goes back to the condiment bar with it, and I exchange amused looks with my coworker before going back to work. He leaves before too long, and we keep cleaning.

Coworker: “Hey, look over there.”

The sugar jar is half empty. I filled it to the top when I handed it over, and investigation reveals no sugar in the trash can, so he must have poured whatever was left in the jar the first time plus half another jar full into his coffee. We’re laughing about it when our other coworker comes back from lunch.

Other Coworker: “Geez, who took all our sugar?”

Me: “Only half.”

Other Coworker: “Not the loose, the packets. I filled it up before I went on lunch…”

So, this very affectionate man took at least half a jar’s worth of loose sugar plus the entire bowl of sugar packets… for his one cup of coffee.

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That’s Certainly… A Thing…

, , , , , | Related | July 26, 2020

I am visiting my parents’ house in California. I am preparing some food for our Thanksgiving dinner and I have my laptop on the counter watching YouTube videos. Most of the videos I watch are videos debunking pseudoscience and conspiracy theories. Some of the video producers have very… unique themes.

My mom walks into the room while I’m cooking and watching.

Mom: “Hi, honey, what are you watching?”

Me: “A man with a pantyhose on his face and a tophat explaining to a woman that water droplets and out-of-focus dust specks on the lenses of weather cameras aren’t a system of planets hidden by a fake sun by the government to cover up the second coming of Jesus to begin the apocalypse.”

Mom: *Pause* “Oh, okay.” *Walks away*

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