Produce Bag Produces Results

, , , , , , , | Right | May 2, 2020

It’s March 2020 and I’m shopping for my weekly groceries at my local supermarket. It’s easy to tell that people are freaking out; many people are wearing rubber gloves and almost everyone is keeping silent and has a frown on their face. I’m feeling rather down about it all, until I notice one particular shopper.

This man must have entered the store, seen everyone with gloves, and thought to himself, “Shoot! I didn’t bring gloves! Gotta do something quick!” So he improvised a solution by grabbing some of those flimsy plastic produce bags and putting them on over his hands! 

I stop in my tracks, watching him flap around, trying to keep the bags from floating off of his arms, and doing an impressive dance to keep from dropping heavy cans of soup with the slippery bags on his hands. I barely manage to keep from laughing in front of him, but I have a grin on my face for the rest of the time I am in the store. 

Thank you, random produce-bag man, for giving your fellow shoppers something to smile about when we needed it most! I hope you and your family stay safe and healthy.

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Oh, Jeez, I’m Like A Crackpot Magnet!

, , , , , | Romantic | May 1, 2020

Apparently, I have been engaged twice and didn’t even know it. One incident involves an ex-boyfriend. A coworker and I are play-arguing and my ex comes up, wraps an arm around me, and tells my coworker, “Hey! Be nice to my fiancé!” The coworker sees my eyes bug out. After my shift:

Me: “Um, [Ex], you do know that we’re not engaged, right?”

Ex: “Yeah, well, you know, you never know.”

Me: “Um, no. No, I know that we’re not engaged. I don’t love you.”

Ex: “Wow, that’s kind of harsh!”

Me: “That’s why we started dating last week! To see if it would change into love!”

The other time is shortly after my ex and I break up. A regular customer comes through my line.

Me: “Wow, you must like this store! You’re in here almost every other day!”

Customer: “Yeah, well… You know.” *Grins* “Your last name is [Last Name].”

Me: “Um… yeah.”

Customer: “You went to [High School].”

Me: “Uh-huh…”

Customer: “You graduated in 2006.”

Me: “You’re a stalker.”

Customer: “No! We went to high school together!”

I looked it up afterward and saw that yes, we went to school together. He asked me out and for my phone number, and I decided I would put first impressions aside.

However, within ten minutes of texting, he told me we were going to have lilies as our wedding flower and started making wedding plans. I, of course, freaked out and told him I wasn’t ready to date anyone yet. He ended with, “But you’re the one!”

Why do I always get the crazy ones?!

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Taking Friendliness To… Intense Levels

, , , | Friendly | May 1, 2020

I’m on my way home from college. I had a pretty long day and I just want to use the fifty-minute train ride home to clear my head, stare out the window, and listen to my music. Someone happens to call me just after the train starts driving. I have my phone call, which is interrupted here and there due to bad reception, but I manage to end it after a few minutes.

A girl who I guess is about sixteen has joined my seat in the meantime. The second I hang up my phone, she opens her mouth and doesn’t close it for the rest of the ride.

Girl: “Bad reception, huh? Yeah, that happened to me, also, the other day when I was traveling through here. I was calling my friend, you see, and she kept saying, ‘Gee, I can’t hear you,’ and I was like, ‘I know! I’m on a train that’s going through the woods right now!’ It’s so annoying! Like, you know, like, how can they not just put up some more cell phone towers, right? And then my friend said…”

This goes on for quite some time. She uses a tone with me like I’m a friend she has known for ages, and she talks very loud. After her spiel about cell phones, she mentions the school she goes to. Not wanting to be rude or scare her off, I reply that I did a similar education in graphic design.

Bad move. Her face lights up like that of a kid who just got the best Christmas present and she starts rummaging in her backpack, pulling out a huge portfolio. Somehow, all her work revolves around dollhouses. She goes on and on about how she loves dollhouses.

Girl: “How can you not love them? You love dollhouses, do you? Wait, you know my friend, [Friend]? He makes the best dollhouses! You should see his Instagram!”

And yes, she pulls out her phone to show me that person’s entire profile, talking non-stop about every photo she sees. 

Finally, she gets off one stop before mine.

Girl: “It was so good to chat with a new friend! Hope I catch you again on this train; I had such a good time! Byyyeeeeee!” 

She leaves and waves happily at me from the platform. 

I give a sigh of relief and find several people giving me a look I can only describe as, “What the h*** was that?” 

Fellow Passenger: “You didn’t know that girl at all, did you? I mean, what was that about?” 

Me: “I have no idea.”

I saw her once after, weeks later. I made sure to move to another carriage before she could spot me. Thank goodness it stayed with that!

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His Powers Of Deduction Don’t Suck

, , , , , | Romantic | April 27, 2020

I’m on my way out the door when my husband comes upstairs from his home office. I let him know I’m heading to the store to buy “something for the family.” It’s something I’ve researched for a couple of weeks but we’ve never actually discussed it. 

Husband: “Ooh, is it an automatic vacuum cleaner?!”

Me: “Out of everything I could buy, that’s your guess?!”

Husband: “Yep.” 

Me: *Pause* “Yes… it actually is.” 

How in the world he guessed it, I have no idea. In eight years together, I don’t think we’ve ever talked about it. It’s just something I decided on my own that would be nice to have. If only he could the guess lottery numbers that easily!

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Pussies Playing Possum

, , , , | Healthy | April 27, 2020

I have a cat who had a rough life before she came to me. She was wandering around in the bushland for most of her life and leaving her kittens with people who worked in a building in the area. She was eventually trapped and brought to me as a feral for my barn program. However, we discovered she was friendly and I adopted her and named her Possum. 

Possum has some health problems which means a trip to the vet every six months or so. She’s had to have most of her teeth removed, and she has skin problems, pre-cancerous nodules on her throat, and arthritis.

Possum has a purr that sounds roughly like a cross between a demented kookaburra and a lawnmower with a broken blade. She’s also incredibly loud to the point where it’s difficult to hold a conversation in the same room with her when she’s stressed, which means most of this conversation is carried by yelling over the top of her. 

I’m leaving the consult room with Possum in a carrier.

Me: “Thanks again for everything. I’ll see you soon.”

Possum: “BRAAAAAAAAAP!”

Me: “How much do I owe?”

Vet Nurse: “It’s [price]. We’ll just get the tablets for you.”

Possum: “BRAAAAAAAAP!”

Other Client: “What do you have in there?”

Me: “Possum.”

Possum: “BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!”

Other Client: “You have a possum in there?”

Me: “What? No, she’s a cat. Her name is Possum.”

The other client looks into the carrier. Possum chokes on her purr and squawks like a dying chicken.

Other Client: “What the f***?”

Possum: “BRAAAAAAAAP!”

I laughed so hard I had to put the carrier down and hang on to the counter.

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