Pardon His French

, , , , | Right | October 11, 2018

(I am at the register and this guy walks in. He’s looking around, so I go out and ask him if he needs help.)

Customer: “Parlez-vous francais?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Me, either.”

(He then continued talking… in English.)

Do Not Eat

, , , , | Right | October 10, 2018

(At this time I’m 21 and I had dyed my hair dark brown with blue streaks, although they had faded to a dull green. [Customer #1] is a woman and [Customer #2] behind her is a man. Both are more than twice my age.)

Customer #1: “You know, that green in your hair kind of looks like celery.”

(I smile as politely as possible and finish her order.)

Customer #2: “You know, I don’t think you look like celery. But if you were I’d eat you.”

Me: *stunned silence*

(I managed to make it through the order after that. Thank goodness it was an express lane and he only had a few items!)

The Chemicals Have Already Made It To Her Brain

, , , , | Right | October 9, 2018

(In the state of California, we are required by law to put up a warning if we have chemicals that can cause cancer — prop 65. The warning is only posted so consumers can make an informed decision about whether or not they want to make a purchase. These chemicals are usually trace amounts and not very harmful, but can be in large amounts. A customer notices this sign.)

Customer: “What are those chemicals?”

Me: “Well, we use chemicals to clean and sanitize, as do all restaurants.”

Customer: “What cleaning?”

Me: “Like soap to clean and sanitize the dishes and work areas. I don’t really know much about the warning.”

Customer: “But what about the cancer?”

Me: “I don’t really know much more than that, but you can look it up on the website there.”

Customer: “I want you to answer me! What chemicals?!”

Me: “I don’t really know. There’s a website for more information.”

Customer: “You’re supposed to know this! You work here and are trying to give me cancer!”

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t have more information. You can look on the website.”

(The customer PUT OUT HER CIGARETTE and walked into our bathroom mumbling something about cancer-causing chemicals. I wanted to tell her that there were more cancer causing chemicals in that cigarette than some soap and sanitizers, but I held my tongue.)

Every Bus Has That One Weirdo

, , , , , | Friendly | October 9, 2018

(This is, more-or-less verbatim, a weird conversation I hear on the crowded bus:)

Giant Guy: “Oh, you can sit next to me. I don’t bite. I’ve got nine kids.”

Young Female Student: “Oh, okay.”

Giant Guy: “Where are you from?”

Young Female Student: “Vietnam.”

Giant Guy: “Oh, yeah? I met a guy the other day that served in Vietnam during the war. He said all he had to do was, ‘ratatatat.’” *makes shooting motion*

Young Female Student: “Oh.”

Giant Guy: “I always felt bad about what we did there, though.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “So, how old are you? My eldest is 39, you know. Man, how time flies.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “What are you studying? I can tell you, all you need education-wise is the Bible.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “I guess you have to have a degree these days, but Christ is king, you know. You can have all the book smarts in the world, and if you don’t have street smarts, you can’t make it. I know because I’m hustling everyday.”

Young Female Student: “Mhmm.” *nods head*

Giant Guy: “Yeah, man, I got saved when I was 32 because I put a gun to my head and I heard a voice that said, ‘Don’t do it, man,’ and I knew that was Jesus.”

Young Female Student: “Oh, wow.”

Giant Guy: “Yeah. It was nice talking to you and all. I knew it would be, because I can read people, you know? Do you know what that means?”

Young Female Student: “Yes, uh-huh.”

(Thankfully her stop and my stop was next. She made sure he wasn’t following. This is why you keep your headphones on and stare at your phone.)

Yanks But No Thanks

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2018

(I am employed as a phonathon caller to raise money for my university. We call alumni and request donations.)

Me: “Hi, can I speak to Mr. [Alumnus]?”

Alumnus: “This is he.”

Me: “Oh, good evening. This is [My Name], calling from Clemson University. How are you?”

Alumnus: “You sound too much like a Yankee to be calling from Clemson.” *hangs up*

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