(I’m sitting up at the front desk early one morning before most of the sales representatives are in the office. At about 8:15, a woman comes in.)

Me: “Good morning. Can I help you?”

Woman: “Hi. I’m here to see [Representative].”

(I pause for a moment because I know he has not come in yet and the representative in question usually doesn’t get in until around 10:00 am.)

Woman: “Do you know who that is?”

Me: “Uh… yes. [Representative] works in this office. I’m just not sure that he’s in yet. Would you mind if I go check?”

(Sure enough, he’s not in.)

Me: “[Representative] is not here yet. Is your meeting set for 8:30?”

Woman: “Yes, I’m a bit early.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ve got some work to do here but you can wait in these chairs until he gets in.”

Woman: “Okay. Where am I?”

(She’s really not that old — maybe 35 or 40 — so there’s no chance that she’s got dementia. I’m a little taken aback and not quite sure to respond.)

Me: “You’re at [Company].”

Woman: “Okay. So, is that all that’s here?”

Me: “We’re the only business in this suite in the building, if that’s what you mean. But there are several other businesses in the building, as well as residences on the top floors.”

Woman: “Hmm. So, you sell what here? Insurance stuff?”

Me: “[Company] offers insurance and investments, yes.”

(I seem to have satisfied any questions she has. She gets up and starts poking around the reception area. It’s a small room with two hallways leading off of it, a large desk where I’m sitting, two plush chairs, a coffee table with some flyers on it, and a fake ficus plant by the door. Next to the door, there’s a floor-to-ceiling window so that you can see into the office and out into the hall which has several other offices in it. One of these offices is unmarked and not listed on the building because it’s a government agency. She practically trips over the coffee table getting out of one of the chairs and moves to peer through the window into the hall. But she doesn’t simply look through the window. She crouches behind the ficus and looks out the window towards the unmarked office with its key-card entry. The way that she’s bent, she is blocking the door completely while contorting herself around the fake tree. She looks comical, like someone spying in a cartoon. She turns and looks at me, still crouched.)

Woman: “What is in that office?!” 

(Just as I opened my mouth to tell her, the representative she was there to see swung the door open and they looked at each other in shock. She went back to his office with him at that point, thank goodness. I’m just glad another client didn’t show up.)

(I am a production manager at a print shop, but since it is a small workplace with few employees, I also handle the front desk and walk-in customers. One day, this woman comes in looking all disheveled and holding an older cell phone. Unfortunately, this is a slow day so I have no other customers to take my attention.)

Me: “Good morning. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Could you print pictures from a cell phone?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, here’s our email address.” *holds out business card* “Just email what pictures you’d like printed and I’ll send them through.”

Customer: *flipping through phone*

Me: “…”

Customer: “You see this here?” *walks behind my desk to show me her phone* “This is a UFO.”

Me: “If you would please step back around to this side of the desk…”

Customer: “This right here. See that white spot? I was trying to take pictures of the moon, but I kept getting this UFO. Look, I’ve even got a video.” *swipes over to show me the video*

Me: “So, do you want me to print the UFO picture for you?”

Customer: *swipes* “Here’s another UFO video. Oh, and these—“ *keeps swiping* “—these are the woods behind my house. Can you see the faces in the trees?”

Me: *starting to hope for another customer, a phone call, anything* “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah, I see faces in the trees all the time. Could you print these for me? I want to make a game. Like a find-it game where people can find the faces.”

Me: “Well, we can certainly print them. If you could go ahead and email them…”

Customer: “Look at this one! I ran it through a filter so you can see the faces easier. See? Look, that’s a horse face right there.”

Me: “Wow. Yeah… So, to get these printed—“

Customer: “Oh! This is another UFO… Those pesky things are always buzzing by my house at night.” *shows me another moon picture*

Me: “…”

(This went on for about an hour before she left… without getting anything printed!)

(I have been touching up a regular’s roots. Her hair has just been washed and I’m about to dry and style it.)

Regular: “That’s awful. You f***** it up!”

Me: “Actually, it only looks like that because it’s wet and hasn’t been treated it yet. Once it’s dried, it will look right.”

Regular: “No, you f***ed it up. You’re a penis. PENIS!”

(She then runs out of the salon, breathes on the window, and draws a penis in the condensation. She then runs off, in the middle of winter, with soaking wet hair. Three months later, she comes back to make another touchup appointment. The owner, not really remembering her by face, checks to see if I have, in fact, done her hair previously. I quickly remind him.)

Owner: “Oh, yes, you’re the penis woman.”

Regular: *blushing* “Yeah… Sorry about that.”

Owner: “What on earth was the problem? [My Name] says you’ve been coming here for years.”

Regular: *speaking very fast* “Well, my granny decided my mobile was making me a lesbian, and I’d just broken up with my boyfriend after he decided to cut his hair short. She threw my phone out of her bedroom window and locked me in her flat with her twelve black cats and one hairless one. I had to get the police, but my phone was f*****. She’s in a home now and her cats are dead. She’s just a crazy old b****. So, when I was here last time, I didn’t have my phone, and I guess I hadn’t really looked at what my hair looks like before it is done.”

Owner & Me: “…”

(I’m relaxing at home after a brief hospital stay for surgery. My mother has come up to look after me, as I’m single and live alone, and has — as is her habit — fallen asleep on the sofa-bed. I’m sitting on the non-bed portion of the sofa, casually reading in silence, and am just starting to think about going down for a nap myself when she rolls over and sits bolt upright, looking at me with vacant, glassy eyes.)

Mum: “They’re coming.”

Me: *more than a little shocked* “Who’s coming?”

Mum: “The dark people. They’re coming.”

(She then rolled over and went straight back to sleep. No nap needed; I stayed very, very awake for the rest of the day. She professed no memory of the conversation once she woke up but I definitely remembered it for quite a while.)

(A lady comes into my store to sell her console and games. I ring up the games and go to grab her console when this happens.)

Customer: “Oh, no. I’m not selling the console. There’s a game inside.” 

Me: “Oh, okay. So, just these, then?”

Customer: “No, there’s a game inside!”

Me: *trying to comprehend* “So, you brought in the console… to sell the game inside?”

Customer: “Yup! We were in a hurry, so we just pulled it out of the wall!”

(I just silently plugged in the console, took the game, and completed the transaction. They happily walked out with their console.)

Related:
Welcome To Retail, Part 4
Welcome To Retail, Part 3
Welcome To Retail, Part 2