Coming Soon:

, , | Right | February 23, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling Gift Card Support. This is [My Name]. Can I have your name, please?”

Customer: “Oh! Uh! You don’t have an automated service?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir… What do you mean?”

Customer: “Automated service: a recording answering the call, and not an actual person.”

Me: “No, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Uh, um… I don’t want to deal with a real person. I want a recording.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but all you have is me. Do you want to check the balance on your card?”

Customer: *voice trembling* “You know what? Never mind, I was expecting this to be an automated service.” *click*


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A Bag Of Chipocrisy

, | Right | February 19, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

Me: “Yes, miss, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “I just found this opened bag of chips sitting on the counter.”

Me: “Oh, thank you, I’ll take that.”

Customer: *still holding the bag* “Isn’t it so inconsiderate of people to just open up the food and eat it in the store?”

Me: *laughing* “Yeah, it really is.”

Customer: “Oh, well, here you go.”

(She then stuck her hand in the bag, pulled out a handful of chips, handed me the bag, and then walked away.)


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Milton Goes To The Buffet

, | Right | February 17, 2009

(I’m a cashier at a buffet restaurant. A customer walks up and is kinda twitchy. We go through the transaction and I am about to staple the receipt to the ticket…)


Me: “Uh, okay, sir, I won’t staple it for you…”

(All of a sudden, the customer calms down. He smiles, and walks away, only to later approach me again.)

Customer: “Ma’am, I think there is a problem in your bathrooms.”

Me: “Okay, what is the problem?”

Customer: “Well, in the men’s bathroom the left… left… faucet has very… very… poor water pressure.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I will come in again, and if you have not fixed this problem by then, I’m afraid I’m going to have to speak with a manager.”

Me: “Okay, sir. I will let a manager know.”

Customer: “Please do so… immediately.”

Me: “Immediately.”

Customer: *smiles a creepy smile and walks away*


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You’re Only As Old As You Act

, , , , , | Right | February 17, 2009

(An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)

Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”

Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary.”

Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”

Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”

(She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)

Me: “Ma’am… this card says you’re seventeen.”

Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door*

Me: “…”

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Victoria’s Secret Is Out

, , | Right | February 16, 2009

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to return this.” *pulls out a bra from a bag*

Me: “Okay, is there something wrong with it?”

Customer: Well, yeah, duh. I wouldn’t be returning it if it was fine, would I?!”

Me: “Okay, what is the reason you are returning it?”

Customer: “It squeaks…”

Me: “The bra…? The bra squeaks?”

Customer: “Yes, it makes noises.”

Me: “The bra makes noises?”

(Rveryone standing in line starts laughing at her and making comments.)

Customer: “Shut up! Don’t you dare laugh at me, inferior creatures!”

(People in line now really start to laugh.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I’m really sorry the bra makes noises, but I cannot return this. You’ve worn it. You can’t return an–”

Customer: *interrupting* “LORD! Give me patience! Or I will strangle this creature of yours! Now, Mr. A**-hole, you are going to give me my money back for this thing. I cannot be walking around with a talking bra on me; people will think I’m nuts!”

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