‘Tis Better To Have Delivered And Lost Than To Never Have Delivered At All

, | Working | August 9, 2012

(I order some pizzas from a well-known pizza chain. The guy who delivers my pizza seems friendly enough, although his attitude is less than professional.)

Delivery Guy: “Here you go dude: three large pizzas and an order of garlic breadsticks. Your total comes to [price].”

(I hand over some cash to the delivery guy.)

Me: “All right, here you go, and a little extra for your efforts.”

Delivery Guy: “Thanks, bro. Sorry I couldn’t arrive sooner though. The directions to your house were f***ing difficult. I had made a wrong turn at some point, and I was like ‘Aw, s***!’ Wasn’t very pleasant at all!”

(I am a little taken aback by this. Not because of his choice of words, but because I live less than four miles away from the pizza place.)

Me: “Yeah, don’t sweat it. Drive safely now.”

Delivery Guy: “Thanks, pal!”

(I bring my pizzas inside and eat them with my family. Not more than 10 minutes later, I receive a phone call.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yo, this is [Delivery Guy] from [Pizza Chain] calling. I’m having a hard time finding your house. Could you possibly give me directions?”

(I recognize the voice. It is the same delivery guy who just delivered my pizzas.)

Me: “Dude, you already delivered my pizzas.”

Caller: “The h*** you on about? I have your pizza right here with me!”

Me: “You should probably double-check the address you’re looking for. ‘Cause believe me, I have three piping hot pizzas right in front of me right now.”

Caller: “Really? F***! Never mind, dude!” *click*

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This Troll Should Have Stuck At Home

, , , , , | Right | August 6, 2012

(There is a large anime convention at our hotel. During these conventions, many guests dress up as their favorite characters. Some even go all-out and will wear body paint or mascot suits, carry fake weapons, etc. Even during these conventions, non-convention goers stay in the hotel. I am working the front desk and am approached by a very angry guest.)

Me: “How may I help you today?”

Guest: “Kick these d***ed freaks out of this hotel! They’re disturbing my children!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. The event is already going on, and all of these people have paid to attend.”

Guest: “They’re disturbing my children! They have weapons! They’re dangerous freaks!”

Me: “We wouldn’t allow real weapons on the convention floor. All weapons have been checked, and all of them are props. I can assure you that no one here will harm your children with their weapons.”

Guest: “You’re lying! You’re just covering up for this… cult! It’s a cult of dangerous freaks with weapons!”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no cult activity.”

Guest: “If it’s not a cult, then why are they painted grey? And why are they wearing devil horns? They’re the headmasters of the cult!” *motions to a nearby group in costume*

Me: “They’re in costumes. This is an anime convention. Many people dress up in costumes. That group is dressed up as characters from [Popular Webcomic]. They’re not a cult.”

Guest: “You’re lying! They’re a devil-worshiping cult! They’re going to wait until midnight, then sacrifice all the virgins to Satan!”

Me: “Actually, the only thing happening at midnight tonight is the convention’s dance.”

Guest: “A dance with the devil! You even admitted it! They’re a cult of devil-worshipers!”

Me: “I never said that.”

Guest: “And them, over there! In the animal costumes!” *motions to a group of people in mascot suits* “They’re going to perform strange sex acts on innocent people at the cult meeting tonight! How dare you let this happen?!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you would listen to me—”

(There is now a long line of people waiting to be helped behind her, most of whom look upset with the way this guest is talking.)

Guest: *turns around to the people in line* “Don’t check into this hotel! They let crazy cults of devil-worshippers bring weapons in to sacrifice virgins and then have sex!” *runs off*

Next Guest in line: “…Heh. Normal people are funny. Can I please have some extra towels?”


This story is part of our Anime roundup!

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Mother Is Always Right, Grandma Is Always Wrong

, , | Related | May 7, 2012

(My grandma is visiting my mom and me. My dad is changing the sink taps, and this comes into the conversation.)

Grandma: “Yeah, so he’s under the sink changing the taps. I can’t see his head, just his barrel chest and tiny a** and legs.”

Mom: “Yeah, and my son totally wanted to hear that.”

(Some conversation passes, then my grandma is walking out for a cigarette.)

Grandma: “I can’t decide if that’s a fart or s***.”

Me: “You’re just full of things I don’t want to hear today.”

Grandma: “Yeah, and my insides feel really bad.”

Me: “And it continues.”

Grandma: “And I really need to shave my legs. Actually probably the full on wax.”

Me: “Okay, now you’re just f***ing with me.”

Grandma: “No, I’m coitus-ing with you.”

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Half A Brain

, | Working | April 25, 2012

Employee: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. Carry out or delivery?”

Me: “Delivery.”

Employee: “Okay, go ahead with your order.”

Me: “I would like a large pineapple pizza, half without cheese.”

Employee: “Which half would you like the cheese on?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Employee: “Which half of the pizza would you like the cheese on?”

Me: *after pausing for a moment* “The… left half.”

Employee: “Okay, your total will be $12.72 and your pizza should be there in 35 minutes!”

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Love Can Drive You Crazy

, , , | Right | April 3, 2012

(It’s Valentine’s Day, and my mom is getting a new cell phone. Except for the salesman, my mother, and me, the store is empty. We are making small talk as he is setting it up.)

Salesman: “…yeah, my neighbor’s been really mad at me lately. It’s weird.”

(Suddenly, a lady bursts into the store, COMPLETELY decked out in Valentine’s Day wear. She even had those little heart antennae things that little kids wear.)

Valentine’s Lady: “I just saw your commercial on TV, and my daughter’s phone is all messed up! It’s your fault! My daughter’s phone is all messed up and now she can’t call! Your commercial is misleading! You have TERRIBLE MARKETING!”

(Without another word, she storms out.)

Me: “Was that your neighbor?”

Salesman: “I have no idea who that was…”

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