Make Coffee, Not War

, , | Right | June 17, 2008

(I work at a coffee shop that is NOT a certain well-known coffee empire. Our company name is clearly displayed out front, on the menu, on the register, on our aprons and we generally don’t look a thing like the other company.)

Customer: “I’d like a medium mocha.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3.26.”

(The customer pays, and comes to the end of the bar to pick up her drink.)

Customer: “Wait a second. This isn’t Starbucks.”

Coworker: “Nope, we’re [Coffee Place].”

Customer: “Well, never mind. I wanted Starbucks. Give me my money back.”

Coworker: “I have your drink ready… Give it a taste, and if you still don’t like it, we’d be happy to refund your money. ”

Customer: “NO! Just give me my money back! This isn’t Starbucks! I wanted Starbucks!”

Me: “Um, okay…”

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Introducing The Sandwich Air

, , | Right | June 11, 2008

(There is an incredibly long line in the store. A man who had recently gotten his order filled cuts to the front of the line and slams his sandwich on the counter.)

Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong with you people… you don’t know how to make a sandwich! The people who worked here before knew how to make sandwiches!”

Me: “Um… excuse me?”

Customer: “The OTHER people always SQUISHED the sandwiches.”

(He holds up his sandwich.)

Customer: “LOOK AT THIS! How am I supposed to fit this in my mouth?”

Me: “Umm… wouldn’t it be just as easy if you–”

Customer: “NO! FIX IT!”

Me: “Okay…”

(I flatten the sandwich slightly.)

Me: “How’s that?”

Customer: “SQUISH IT!”

(I manage to smash the sandwich down to about a half an inch thick.)

Me: “Better?”

Customer: *takes the sandwich* “Well, I guess you CAN learn.”

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Why Don’t You And I Make It A Baker’s Dozen

, , , | Right | June 7, 2008

Me: “Hello, [Bakery]. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hey, you sound tired.”

Me: “Um… yes? How may I help you?”

Customer: “Rough night last night? I heard you were busy.”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “Partying worn you out, huh? Well, hopefully, you aren’t too worn out when you come home if you know what I mean.”

Me: “Sir, this is [Bakery]. I believe you’ve dialed the wrong number.”

Customer: “Well, s***.”

Me: “…yes.”

Customer: “Do YOU want to come over later?”

Me: “No.” *click*

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I Personally Prefer Poultry With My PCs

, , , , | Right | June 7, 2008

(I overhear a fellow salesperson’s sale. He is with a customer but another customer interrupts.)

Customer: “I want to make you an offer on this laptop. I give you $650.”

Coworker: “Sorry, sir, the price is $749.”

Customer: *looks at his wife and nods* “I give you $650 plus three chickens!”

Coworker: *fighting back a smile* “Sorry, the price is $749.”

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Some Questions Should Never Be Asked

, , , , | Right | June 6, 2008

Me: “Costume Design & Rental. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, do you guys have any costumes?”

Me: “Yes, we have a 5,000 square foot warehouse.”

Caller: “And do you rent them?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Caller: “How much is it?”

Me: “It depends on what kind of costume are you looking for.”

Caller: “I don’t know… Can’t you just tell me how much it is?”

Me: “Not without knowing what you want, no.”

Caller: “Fine, whatever.” *click*

(Ten minutes later, they call back.)

Me: “Costume Design & Rental. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Do you have any giant penis costumes?”

Me: “Uh… no. I don’t think we do.”

Caller: “Darn.” *click*

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