A Sticky Proposition

, , | Right | October 28, 2008

Me: “Would you like mayonnaise on your croquette?”

Customer: “Yes, please… but not on the croquette itself. Do you have a cup or something?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, well… just put it in my hand, then.”

Me: “Mayonnaise…?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: ‘…in your hand?”

Customer: “Yes, yes!”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Customer: Yes!”

Me: *fills the customer’s hand with mayonnaise*

Customer: “Thank you!” *smiles and leaves*

Me: *to my manager* “I need a break.”

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Too Much Of A Good Thing

, , | Right | October 13, 2008

Customer: “Where is your manager?”

Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “These cones are the problem. There are too many.”

Me: “You bought too many cones?”

Customer: “Kid, read this for me. That box says 12 cones, right? Well I bought it for my daughter’s birthday party yesterday and opened it up to find 14 cones. That’s false advertising! I could sue your a** off for doing that. Now get me the god-d*** manager!”

Me: “Sir, please accept my sincerest apologies for any inconvenience you may have suffered.”

(I open the box, remove two cones, and hand it back to him.)

Customer: *muttering* “A man’s got to get his money’s worth…”

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What. The. F***.

, , , , | Right | October 13, 2008

(I work in a deli, and the new girl gets a call about party trays; she hands the phone to me.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Sorry about the wait. Do you know which tray you want?”

Male Caller: “I just need some information about party trays.”

Me: “All right, what would you like to know?”

Male Caller: “How many should I order for a bachelorette party with eight women for six hours? They’re hiring me to be the entertainment, and they’re paying me $300 to be a garbage disposal. They said they’ll go out and get more if I don’t bring enough. Would you?”

Me: “Would I… What?”

Male Caller: “If you were paying me $300 to be the entertainment and garbage disposal, how long do you think it would last? I want to know what I’m in for. They’re gonna put me in a dress and makeup and tie me up and feed me the leftovers to see how much I can hold. Would you?”

Me: “No, I wouldn’t. Sir… I–”

Male Caller: “No, if you were paying me $300 to be entertainment and the garbage disposal and put me in a dress and tie me up so I couldn’t get out… They’re going to pay me a $150 dollar bonus to take a vacuum cleaner and hook it up to me and vacuum. I want to know what I’m in for.”

Me: “Sir, with all due respect–”

Male Caller: “Would you?”

Me: “Let me transfer you to my manager. He might be able to help you.”

Male Caller: *click*

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Next Up: Watching Paint Dry

, , | Right | October 6, 2008

Me: “Welcome to [Tech Support]. How can I help you this morning?”

Caller: “I keep getting pop-ups to update my computer, but I don’t have Internet. I don’t want Internet.”

Me: “All right. I can show you how to turn off the notifications.” *shows customer*

Caller: “Thanks. Now, how do I know if my computer is working?”

Me: “Do you see any error messages?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Okay, let’s test it out. Can you open a program for me?”

Caller: “Um, I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “So, you don’t use the computer to play music, games, or to use the word processor?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “What do you use your computer for?”

Caller: “Well, I just watch it to see what it does.”

Me: “Oh… is it doing anything right now?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Then thank you for calling [Tech Support]. Have a good morning.” *click*

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Blue Haired Drug Pushers

, , , , | Right | October 5, 2008

(One evening, an elderly Irish woman, complete with white hair, a cane, and a heavy accent, comes up to the photo counter to pick up some pictures she dropped off earlier.)

Customer: “I would like to have a discount on these photos I just printed. Can you give me five of the 20 for free?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we really can’t do that.”

Customer: “I’ll give you some perks.”

Me: “Perks?”

Customer: “Percs. You know… percs.”

(Customer reaches out to shake my hand and places three pills in it.)

Customer: “Those are good percs, I know you’ll like them!”

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