We Need No Further Evidence Regarding Her Sanity

, , , , | Healthy | July 31, 2020

I work in a pharmacy and I get a call from an older customer.

Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “You gave me the wrong pills!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am; did the bag have your name on it?”

Customer: “It’s my name, but the wrong pills are in the bottle!”

Me: “It’s possible we refilled one of your other prescriptions on fi—”

Customer: “No! The wrong pills are in the bottle!”

Me: “All right, can I have the number on the bottle?”

Customer: “Oh, no, you don’t! I’m not giving that to you.”

Me: “All right, can I have your name, please?”

Customer: No! I’m on to your tricks!”

Me: “Ma’am, I need to look up your file so I can figure out what the problem is.”

Customer: “No, you don’t! I know your sly ways. You’re just going to change my file so you can cover up your mistake!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have that ability. I’d like to help give you the proper medication. Can you please tell me your name?”

Customer: “No! You’re going to change the names of the medications on my chart to hide your screwup!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, can you come back to the store so I can verify the wrong pills were given?”

Customer: “No! I’m holding onto this bottle! It’s evidence!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t change any ‘evidence,’ since you have a printed label on the bottle. Can you tell me the name of the medication?”

Customer: “No! Do you think I’m stupid? I’m not telling you anything!”

Me: *Sigh* “Okay, ma’am, if you won’t let me see your file or the pills, and you won’t bring it back, then what would you like me to do?”

Customer: “I want you to know that you’re a horrible pharmacy. And you are a terrible person!”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m trying to help—”

Customer: “No, you are an awful person! You don’t deserve to be in business, trying to poison me with the wrong pills!”

Me: “Well, can you describe them to me? Are they white? Oval?”

Customer: “I’m not telling! You are a bad person!”

Me: “Ma’am, I would really like to help you, if you could give me some informati—”

Customer: “No, you don’t! Shame on you for trying to kill me and then hiding the evidence!”

She hung up.

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These Customers Like To Linger(ie)

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2020

I am working the registers at my store and the phone happens to ring when there are no customers waiting to be rung out. It is a male customer on the phone that sounds as though he must be at least thirty.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Lingerie store, Location]. This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, hi, I was wondering what sort of stuff you carry?”

Me: “Well, we carry a range of items from cotton sleepwear, to lingerie, to bras and panties.”

Customer: “Do you carry anything for younger girls?”

Me: “Uh, well our main line is geared towards women in their twenties and older, but we do have the PINK line that some of the younger girls tend to like.”

Customer: “See, I was looking for some lingerie type thing. Could you tell me what you have?”

Me: “Well, sir, unfortunately, I can’t describe all of our options to you over the phone, but you are more than welcome to come in and take a look and one of the associates will be happy to help you.”

Customer: “All right, what’s your name?”

I’m more than a little bit creeped out so I give him a fake name. He decides he wants to come in to look, but he wants my help. When he hangs up, I get on the headset.

Me: “If anyone comes in asking for [Fake Name], they’re looking for me, but please let me know so I can go hide in the back. Thanks!”

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Nightmares Eat Pillows

, , , , | Related | July 30, 2020

My four-year-old daughter turns to me with a question.

Daughter: “Papa, what do butterflies eat?”

Me: “Nectar.”

Daughter: “How about grasshoppers?”

Me: “Plants.”

Daughter: “How about…” *pause* “…nightmares?”

Me: “…”

That escalated quickly.

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Will A Goose Work If I Can’t Find A Duck?

, , , , , , | Related | July 30, 2020

My brother and I have a very good joking relationship where we make fun of each other in both English and occasionally our second language, Russian.

This occurs when I call him to ask him for some help with my garden.

Me: “Hey, Baranovich—” *Affectionate name for a sheep* “—I sent you a photo of my lemon tree looking a bit s***. Can you help?”

Brother: “Yeah, hang on.” *Looks at the photo* “Look, Durak—” *Idiot* “—go to [Store] and get the white oil with chili and lemon.”

Me: “Okay, so I just spray that on?”

Brother: “So, first you sacrifice a duck, then face west, hold it up, and yell, ‘Ayayayaya!’, and then throw it at your neighbour, and the oil will work.”

Me: “So, do I wear the bucket on my left foot or my right foot?”

Brother: “Nah, on your head.”

Me: “Okay, thanks, little bro. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

We’re both in our thirties and I don’t think we’ll ever change.

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It Pays To Advertise… Usually…

, , , , | Legal | July 28, 2020

A friend of mine was appointed executor of their mother’s will. Not knowing what to do, they asked my help. There were a few issues that needed addressing: a joint savings account naming [Friend] and their late mother, a bequest to friends of the late mother, and a brother of my friend who had not been named as a beneficiary, any of which alone would have been too complex for [Friend] to deal with without legal representation.

I asked my attorney, who had drafted my will, how to proceed. My attorney doesn’t do estate law, so they referred me to a colleague.

After some preliminary conversations by phone with [Colleague], my friend and I visited their office and were greeted by their assistant. We waited and waited and waited until finally [Colleague], who’d been on the phone all that time, came in looking somewhat bemused.

It seems that, about the time we’d arrived at [Colleague]’s office, [Brother] had phoned [Colleague] for a free phone consultation — in response to [Colleague]’s advertising, we presume — and was looking to employ [Colleague] on his behalf. [Colleague] had spoken to him seriously about his case until it became obvious that he was referring to exactly the same mother and will that [Colleague] was present to consult about, and that there would be a serious conflict of interest if [Colleague] accepted [Brother]’s case!

A couple of years after the fact, [Attorney] mentioned that they still marveled over that coincidence.

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