Suddenly Got Wood

, , , , , , | Learning | June 18, 2018

(My woodshop teacher tells us this story, and it is one of his more memorable ones. A couple years ago there was a girl in his class who was known to wear less-than-appropriate clothing, and on this day she was wearing a crop top showing her belly button. This is important to note, as well as the fact that she has no martial arts or sports training. Also, this teacher is known for throwing items.)

Girl: “Hey, Mr. [Teacher], can you please cut me this piece of wood?”

Teacher: “Of course, one sec.”

(He then throws the piece of wood which he is currently working on towards the wood recycling. He accidentally lets go early, causing the jagged piece of wood with splinters EVERYWHERE to fly towards the girl’s belly button.)

Girl: “Oh, yeah, Mr. [Teacher]? Can you check my worksheet after this? I had some questions.”

(She then proceeds to catch the piece of wood between two fingers, right as it is about to hit her, and continues to speak. She twirls it around as everyone stares at her in awe, and she looks down to realize she is holding a piece of wood.)

Girl: “Where did this come from?”

The Law Is Here To Clean Up The Streets

, , , | | Legal | June 17, 2018

(I’m a new legal assistant in a district attorney’s office, and have only recently moved to the state, so I haven’t had contact with many locals. The phone rings:)

Me: “District Attorney’s office. This is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

(I write down the caller ID’s phone number and displayed name.)

Defendant: “I need to speak to the district attorney.”

Me: “He’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”

Defendant: “Why the f*** would I want you to take a f****** message?! I want to speak to the f****** district attorney! I don’t want to leave another f****** message!” *lather, rinse, repeat in variations*

Me: *in every pause he makes* “Sir… Sir… Sir… Sir…”

(I hold the phone away from my ear, so the other legal assistant can hear, too, and look over at her.)

Coworker: “That’s [Defendant]. Just hang up. He’s the guy who lives in the abandoned hotel in [Tiny Town] and who the [Small Town] librarian had to kick out because he was trying to bathe in the library bathroom sink, and left the bathroom so filthy you wouldn’t believe it. And just wait until you see him in court!”

Me: “I’m afraid to ask what he’s done in court.”

Coworker: “He’ll take off his shoe and sock, and the bandages, and show the judge his amputated toes.”

Me: “You can’t make this s**t up.”

(THIS time, he claimed to have MRSA!)

Not Even Effing Phonetic

, , , , | Right | June 16, 2018

(I am answering the phone at the front desk of the hotel where I work.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I need to make a reservation.”

Me: “Great, I can definitely help you with that! What day will you be arriving?”

Caller: *scoffs* “Oookaay; guess I am a f****** idiot, then!

Me: *quite taken aback* “I am sorry, sir?”

Caller: “I said, ‘I guess I am a f****** idiot!’”

Me: *confused and not really sure how to respond* “Um… Sir, I’m sorry, but why do you think that?”

Caller: “You just called me a f****** idiot!”

Me: *shocked* “No, sir! I can assure you I said nothing remotely close to that statement!”

Caller: *sounding genuinely surprised* “Oh, you didn’t?”

Me: “No, sir, I did not! I just asked when you would be arriving! I apologize if that sounded like I said something else, but I can promise you I would never speak to a guest like that!”

Caller: *completely nonplussed and cheerful as if nothing happened* “Okay, then, I need a room with a king-sized bed for the 12th.”

(The rest of the phone call was normal, but I still have no idea why this guy thought would just nonchalantly insult customers!)

Wants To Make Their Hot Chocolate Worth Waiting For

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2018

(Our cinema is showing a bunch of old films in the IMAX for a super-reduced price, for one day only, so we’re incredibly busy. Each screening of over 300 seats is practically sold out, so the other person on my area is called downstairs to help with serving. Even with every till on, the queues are 20 to 30 people long, and though they’re doing their best to be quick, there’s a pretty substantial wait in the queue. This is the story my coworker tells me when he gets back.)

Coworker: “Hey there. What can I get you today?”

Customer: “Do you serve hot chocolate here?”

Coworker: “Absolutely. Is that a large?”

Customer: “Oh, don’t worry. I’ll get it upstairs.”

Coworker: *confused* “I can do it here for you no problem.”

Customer: *having just stood in line for at least ten minutes to ask if we serve something* “No, it’s fine. I don’t want to waste your time.”

The Day The Interstate Was Won

, , , , , | Right | June 15, 2018

(My wife and I are looking at jewelry in the Old Town section of Albuquerque, which is a tourist destination, and I am making small talk with the owner.)

Me: “What’s the silliest question a tourist has ever asked you?”

Owner: “Easy. ‘Is it safe to drive the interstates out here?’”

Me: “Huh?”

Owner: “That’s what I said. He said, ‘Well, because of all the Indian attacks on wagon trains.’”

Me: “I don’t have any idea what to say to that.”

Owner: “Neither did I.”

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