Harry Potter And The Effects Of Climate Change

, , , , , , | Right | April 17, 2019

(I’m standing at the ticket stand in front of our biggest theater, which is currently playing “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.” The movie is going full swing, so the halls are pretty quiet. For some reason, my eyes and throat are irritating me.)

Customer: *comes out of the theater* “Hey, I was wondering if you guys could turn down the smoke machine.”

Me: “Smoke machine?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s a really neat effect, but there’s too much smoke and it’s hurting our eyes.”

Me: “We don’t have a smoke machine.”

(I flagged down the manager and we checked it out. Somebody had vandalized the fire extinguisher in the theater, puncturing it, so it was slowly leaking CO2. By an amazing coincidence, it reached the point where it was noticeable in the dark at exactly the same time Ron and Harry enter the mist-filled Forbidden Forest, so nobody realized what it was. We had to evacuate the theater, refund all the tickets, and close down our biggest theater. I got to finish my shift standing just close enough to the disaster to further irritate my eyes and throat.)

That Escalated Quickly

, , , | Right | April 16, 2019

(I work technical support for a fitness call center. A customer calls about a broken exercise machine.)

Me: “Thank you for verifying your information, Mrs. [Customer]. In case we get disconnected, can I reach you at [phone number]?”

Customer: “If we get disconnected and you do not call back, I will hunt you down and give you the sex change operation you wish you never had.”

Me: *shocked* “Was that a threat?”

Customer: “You had better call back.”

Those Luck-Stealing Chemicals Must Have Got To His Brain

, , , | Right | April 16, 2019

(I’m working housekeeping in a casino. This mostly means cleaning ashtrays, spills, and bathrooms. We have carts we push around with some sprays and wet rags to use. I’m coming up to a bank of machines when a guest spots me and comes to cut me off.)

Guest: “Excuse me. I would appreciate it if you kept about 100 feet from my bank.”

(I’m used to guests asking me not to clean because I might “wipe off the good luck,” but just keeping away from the bank is a new one. I try my best to sound courteous and professional, but I think my confusion creeps into my voice.)

Me: “Oh. Okay, sir.”

Guest: “I know you buy your luck-stealing chemicals from the Illuminati and I get it! I understand it’s how you guys keep in business. I’m happy to keep quiet about it; I just want you to keep them away from my bank.”

(I’m smiling now, barely keeping myself from laughing, but he doesn’t seem to realize I think he’s a little “off.”)

Me: “Ah, I see. Well, we thank you for your discretion, sir! I’ll be sure to let the other housekeepers know.”

(I took my cart maybe twenty feet around his bank of machines and he grinned huge, happy to know that none of our “luck-stealing chemicals” would be anywhere near him. I let everyone else on shift know, both housekeepers and security. We all had a good laugh about it.)

Lining Herself Up For A Fall

, , , | Friendly | April 15, 2019

(My sister is visiting me and we go out to the movies. I live in a small town and it’s a very quiet night. As we get to concession, there are only two people working and they are both serving other people. There is absolutely NO LINE, so my sister and I stand in the middle of the two cashiers, waiting to see who opens up first. Suddenly, a woman appears with her young son.)

Woman: “Which line are you in?”

(She seems to want to know which register we are waiting for. Usually, there are two lines if it’s super busy, but I’m confused by her question since we are the only ones there. Literally, not including the cashiers, there are four people going to see the movie and two are being served already.)

Me: *confused* “Oh, we were standing here and waiting for which one opened up first.”

(I am going to add that she can go ahead of us when she puts her hand on her hip and interrupts me.)

Woman: *in a condescending tone* “You need to pick a line, lady!”

(My sister and I are shocked by her attitude, and the fact that she is doing this with nobody else there. I mumble that I’ll take the left, so she goes to the right register and stands uncomfortably close to the person getting their food. Later, we happened to be heading to get our straws when we see the woman from before. She is the only there getting straws and napkins. As we get closer, my sister suddenly stops me.)

Sister: *as loud as she could* “Wait, [My Name] we haven’t picked a line yet. We need to pick a line before we proceed.”

Me: *catching on* “By God, you’re right! I will line up on the left; you take the right.”

(The lady gave us the dirtiest look and quickly went to her movie. Luckily, we weren’t seeing the same movie as her.)

She’s Chalk…

, , , , , | Friendly | April 14, 2019

(I buy a cheese pastry in a supermarket and, after paying for it, I sit down at a table they have in there for people to rest during their shopping or wait for other shoppers to finish and I start eating it.)

Lady: *keeps staring intensely at my pastry*

Me: “Would you like to have a piece?”

Lady: “Oh, no, I really don’t like cheese.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Thankfully, I do.”

Lady: “Yeah… No, I really don’t like cheese.”

Me: “Okay.”

Lady: “If I ate only a small piece of cheese I would vomit.”

Me: “…”

Lady: “Yes, I would vomit right away. I really, really don’t like cheese. I think it’s really disgusting. For my entire life, I never liked it. I don’t even want to think about eating it. Cheese is disgusting.”

Me: “…”

Lady: “You know, if there was one thing I could ban from the world completely, it would be: fruit juice with apple juice mixed in it, cheese, and red peppers, but seriously, those are really dangerous.”

(Thankfully, I enjoyed the rest of my pastry in silence.)

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