Determining Detergent Detriment

, , , , | Related | December 7, 2017

(I am away to college for the first time and have resorted to buying a cheap brand of laundry detergent. My mom comes up at the end of the semester to help me move, and her nostrils immediately flare.)

Mom: “What detergent do you use?”

Me: “[Detergent Brand #1].”

Mom: “So, that’s what smells. You have to throw it away.”

Me: “What, why?”

Mom: “I’ll buy you more of [Detergent Brand #2] and rewash all your clothes. Let’s go.”

(I’m annoyed that we’re doing this, worried that my mom thinks I can’t handle this adulting task. But d*** it, if she isn’t right! The new brand is so much better and makes my clothes smell heavenly. I continue to use this product. A year later, I go back home to visit. My mom and I are sitting on the couch when she looks at me.)

Mom: “I still smell it.”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “[Detergent Brand #1].”

Me: “That’s impossible; I’ve only used the laundry detergent you told me about.”

Mom: *sniffs* “I can still smell it.”

(Years later, I’ve moved a province away and have been teaching for two years. I have new clothes, but I still use the detergent my mom turned me onto. I come home for a brief visit in the summer, when…)

Mom: “I can still smell that [Detergent Brand #1].”

(At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if these were her deathbed comments.)

Must Be A Common Problem…

, , | Friendly | December 6, 2017

(My sister and I are at a comic book convention, waiting in line for my turn to take a picture with one of my favorite actresses. An employee is making her way down the line, giving fairly standard information, like that there is a table to put down our bags, and that it isn’t a meet and greet, so we don’t have time to talk with the actress. Then, she says this:)

Employee: “Do not ask for a piggy back ride or ask to give her a piggy back ride.”

(This stops my sister and me dead in our tracks.)

Me: “I feel like there has to be a story behind this.”

You’ve Just Been A-Salt-ed

, , , , , | Right | December 6, 2017

(I work at fast food place that is an independent building. We up-sell products like any business, but today we get some advice on exactly what we should be selling to customers.)

Customer: “Can you put salt and ketchup into the bag?”

Cashier: “Yes, of course.”

Customer: “Why would you say yes to that? You’re promoting unhealthy eating!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand.”

Customer: “You can’t be giving out salt! Salt will kill you! You should be offering pepper instead! This is ridiculous!”

Cashier: “…would you like pepper instead of salt, sir?”

(The customer scoffed and drove to the second window, continuing to rant about the negative effects of salt. Needless to say, he never clarified if he wanted pepper, so we put salt, per his request, in his bag.)

Your Argument Is Plastic

, , , , , | Right | December 5, 2017

(A husband and wife pull up to the store in a large SUV. They order their food, and are very nice throughout the entire ordering process. However, after they pay, I make the dire mistake of bagging their items when I am informed their food is to go.)

Wife: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Me: “…bagging your things?”

Wife: “BUT THAT’S PLASTIC!”

Me: “Yes?”

Wife: “NO! NO, NO, NO! NO PLASTIC! AUGH!”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry about that.”

Wife: “It’s just that plastic is TERRIBLE for the environment! I know it’s not your choice to use them; it’s the company’s, but it’s just so irresponsible! You’ve really upset me! I cannot believe you tried to give me PLASTIC!”

(As she continues to ramble about how she knows it’s not my fault we use plastic bags, but subtly hints that it actually is my fault, I recall the car she and her husband drove up in. I look out the window for a few long moments and eye her car before I look at her meaningfully.)

Me: “Is that your SUV? How many miles per gallon does that get?”

(The woman turned bright red, grabbed her food, and ran out. Her husband apologized to me about “all that” and gave me a tip before he left.)

Just Another Pain That Gay People Suffer

, , , , | Learning | December 5, 2017

Friend: “Can I try something with you?”

Me: “What is it?”

(She grabs my arm and I pull back. I see something shiny in her hand and lean away from her as much as I can.)

Me: “What the h*** are you doing?!”

Friend: “I wanted to poke you with a needle.”

Me: “WHY?!”

Friend: “Because I read that gay people have an autonomic response that stops them bleeding.”

Me: “Where the h*** did you read that, 4chan?!”

Friend: “Yahoo.”

Me: “Well, it’s wrong. Completely wrong!”

(She tried to convince me to do it, but I flat out refused and moved to another seat. There were two other gay people in our lecture that we both knew about. I heard one of them yelp a few minutes later. I wish I was joking…)

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