I worked at one of the various species of dollar stores. I had this old lady come up to my lane. She had to be in her seventies or early eighties, was hunched over, and had a black walking cart she would put her stuff in.

Just as I was about to ring her out, the system went down completely. Now I had had her before as a customer, and knew she was a pain in the a**, so I decided I would pre bag the duplicate items (she had six boxes of tissues, two packs of toilet paper, and two rolls of paper towels).

We are waiting, and waiting, and waiting. About eight minutes go by, and my register won’t start. I have a line approaching twenty people long at this point, and my manager manages to open another two registers, but mine won’t start. So, they open the other lanes, and people immediately shift over.

Customer: “What about me? I’ve been in line the whole time! I was next!”

Me: “We will get you in line, we’re just intending to get you close to the front—”

Customer: “—forget this!”

And with that, she just… walks out of the store, items still in her cart! I chase after her because both managers are ringing people out, and tell her:

Me: “Ma’am! You still have to pay for the items!”

Customer: “You won’t ring me out, so I’m just leaving.”

Me: “Ma’am, I was trying to ring you out, but the system went down.”

We dance around the whole “you have to pay” and “you won’t ring me out” lines for a few minutes, with her yelling getting louder and louder.

Customer: “I’ll come pay for it tomorrow! I have to walk home and can’t stand in line all day!”

Finally, a manager has noticed and comes out. She asks what is going on, and I explain the situation to her. I turn around to talk to the lady… and she has run halfway down the plaza with her goods! She’s actually broken into a run!

Manager: “Let her go. If she can move like that at her age, I’m scared of her.”

Me: “It’s like that scene in Star Wars when Yoda stopped using his walking stick and start popping some moves.”

Manager: “If she doesn’t come back tomorrow, I’m branding her a Sith lord.”

She did not come back, but I do sometimes see her in the mall and plaza complex, and we all now refer to her as a dark Sith lord.

I worked as a phone tech support for a well-known and expensive computer company named after a kind of fruit.

One day, a lady called in and stated her new computer “wasn’t doing anything.”

Me: “Is the unit powering up?”

Caller: “Oh, it is, but it’s not doing anything.”

Me: “Is the screen lit or dark?

Caller: “I can see the screen alright, but it’s not doing anything.”

So, I started on a number of things: mouse moves the cursor, sounds play, applications open, keyboard works… each time I’m met with:

Caller: “Oh, that works, but it’s not doing anything.”

Finally, I asked:

Me: “What exactly are you attempting to have the computer do?”

Caller: “I’m not trying to make the computer do anything, but the man at the store said it’d surf the web for me, do my taxes for me, type a letter for me, that kind of thing.”

She seriously expected to turn the unit on and watch it just do things for her without any input on her part.

Me: *Gently explaining.* “Ma’am, the computer is a tool and needs to be told what you want it to do with the keyboard and mouse.”

I talked about clicking on things, what programs are, and so on. She listened for a minute or two, paused, then said:

Caller: “So… what should I do with it?”

I have never been so tempted with so many ways I could respond and get fired. I finally suggested she take some classes or write down the things she wants to do with the computer, and then take it to a store so they can direct her to what software to buy.

I used to work at Five Guys. During our afternoon slump, a lady walks in. There’s nobody else in line, so she comes straight up to me at the register. I greet her, she begins ordering, and then she pauses.

Customer: “I’m here to get a treat for my son, who is on a low red meat diet. Which would have less meat, a regular-sized cheeseburger, or two little cheeseburgers?”

Besides the illogicality of getting a massive burger for someone who isn’t supposed to have a lot of red meat, this is an innocent question. Five Guys’ sizing is a little weird. A little burger has one patty, a regular size one has two. Therefore, two little burgers have the same total amount of meat as one regular-sized burger. I explain this to her, and she nods slowly.

Customer: “Okay, but which one has less meat?”

I re-explain what I had just said, she’s still confused. This back and forth goes on for several minutes. I even go as far as to grab two raw patties from the grill for a visual demonstration. Eventually, defeated, the woman says this:

Customer: “It’s okay, I’ll just let you pick what you think is best.”

I gave her a regular-size burger.

A customer is buying a large order of boxes of our iced donuts.

Customer: “Will these still be good tomorrow?”

Me: “Of course! I’d recommend putting them in the microwave for exactly eight seconds, and they taste amazing.”

Customer: “Hmm…”

The customer stops, staring into nothing for a period of time long enough that I have to ask:

Me: “Sir, are you okay?”

Customer: *Woken out of his daze.* “Hmm? Oh! Yes, I was just thinking I don’t think I’ve ever pressed the ‘8’ button on my microwave before…”

I worked at Abercrombie and Fitch a few years ago. I was on the register, ringing a lady up:

Me: “Your total is [almost $100].”

She hands me a $50 bill. After realizing she wasn’t planning on adding more money to it:

Me: “That’s not enough.”

Customer: “That’s all I can do, take it or leave it.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is an Abercrombie & Fitch, not a yard sale. If my choices are take it or leave it, you’re not getting a gold star for correctly guessing which of those two I’m going with…”

She did not like my choice.