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Thanks, But No Spanks, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | February 17, 2021

An older lady comes up to my register with a lot of groceries. As I am scanning her items, a young male customer who comes in every morning to get an energy drink gets in line behind her. 

Female Customer: *To me* “You remind me of my grandchildren!”

I’m unsure of how to take this.

Me: “Oh, well, thank you.”

Female Customer: “You know what I like to do with my grandchildren?”

She leans in over the conveyor belt and says with a wink:

Female Customer: “Spank them.”

I am so taken aback, I don’t even know how to respond. I look at the guy behind her, and his eyes go wide open, too. 

I am stammering, trying to think of some way to make this conversation appropriate, but I can’t think of anything. The old lady then turns to the guy behind her:

Female Customer: “You’ll help me spank him, won’t you?”

Male Customer: *Completely red-faced* “Oh, um, I don’t know, yeah, I guess.”

I was so taken aback and embarrassed by the whole conversation that I didn’t even say anything for the rest of the transaction. After the lady left, the other customer — who was apparently okay with helping an old lady spank another young guy — refused to look at me for his whole transaction. I never saw either of them ever again.

Related:
Thanks, But No Spanks

Excuse Me Whilst I Delete My Twitter

, , , | Working | February 17, 2021

I’m a new member of the special forces in the military. Which unit and which country, I won’t say.

We’ve just passed the gruelling training course and this is our first day on the job. Our commanding officer, a one-star general, calls us to a conference room and begins giving a speech to us. The first part is the usual “I’m proud that you passed, welcome to the team, and I have high standards, but I expect everyone to be capable of meeting them” speech. 

General: “And now, for the important part. As Sun Tzu said, ‘Know your enemy and know yourself, and you will prevail.’ Now that everyone here is a certified [Special Force Unit] member, I will brief you on our true enemy.”

Everyone leans forward in anticipation.

General: “This is an enemy that is invincible. Omniscient. Unbeatable. At best, we may scrape out a draw. I want each and every one of you to take this to heart. The only way to win is to avoid fighting it. Keep your heads down and pray that it does not notice you.”

A ripple of shock and fear goes through the room. The general is speaking with such conviction. He believes that this enemy is invincible; that is rather surprising. We start trying to anticipate which country it is.

General: “Yes, you all know which enemy I am referring to. It is our nemesis. The bane of our existence. It is…”

He takes a deep breath. The room is utterly silent. Everyone is frozen, rapt with attention.

General: “Social media!”

Silence reigns for ten seconds.

Me: “What?”

General: “I am serious. This is the one enemy we cannot shoot dead — the one we can’t beat.”

He started up a slide show showing all sorts of fellow soldiers in compromising positions, beginning a lecture on the importance of good PR, behaving well, not doing anything, even when off duty, that could compromise the image of the corps. He reminded everyone that the walls not only have ears, but they have eyes, cameras, and microphones and proved that one civilian with a smartphone is enough to cause major budget cuts and extra regulations.

A Glitch In The Matrix?

, , , | Working | February 16, 2021

I work in a gas station. Many times when our delivery truck arrives, it requires at least three people to unload it, check it, and sort it all out, all during business hours. This day is no different, but it is the first of the month, on a Friday, which means EVERYONE is at our store making purchases. It is an absolute nightmare. In the end, one of my supervisors and two of my coworkers have to go into the back to run the truck, leaving me alone to deal with a line of customers at the counter and a line of customers at the window.

This is a normal arrangement for us, as I am the quickest and most accurate worker. So, I’m running a line of cars wrapped around the building and a line of people out the door, and the phone rings. Caller ID says it’s the other half of the store, so I figure my other supervisor is either calling to check on me, to see if I need anything, to ask for the supervisor running the truck for something, or to see if we have something in stock now that has been sold out.

Me: “Hey, [Supervisor], I’ve got two lines. What do you need?”

Coworker: *Sounding extremely confused* “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, [Coworker], do you need something? Make it fast, please.”

Coworker:Where are you right now?”

Me: “Well, I thought I was in the store, but now I’m not sure. Is this important?”

Coworker: “Did you just come out of the little casino?”

This seems unimportant and I’m very busy, so I just hang up on her and go back to waiting on my lines. Almost immediately after, my supervisor appears in the door from the back, and she looks as confused as my coworker sounded when she sees me.

Supervisor: “[My Name], did you just come in from the little casino?”

Me: *To the customers in line* “Hey, guys, I’ve been in here by myself for the past fifteen minutes at least, haven’t I?”

They all agree that I’ve not left the store for anything but to get items from the back and haven’t been gone long enough for anything else. My supervisor calls in my coworkers to come and take over and takes me into the back. She doesn’t look angry; she looks bewildered.

Supervisor: “[My Name], [Coworker] and I both saw you come out of the front restrooms, not in uniform, and go into the little casino. [Coworker] peeked in and confirmed you were in there, and we called to see where you were.”

For a couple of years now, I’ve had people periodically come up to me and talk to me as if they know me. As my mom is heavily into genealogy, I’ve always just assumed these are people she’s made connections with and played along because it kind of annoys people when I tell them I don’t know them. In fact, I had one at the start of my shift today, which is why I remember it now. I’m finally able to put two and two together.

Me: “I think I have a doppelganger wandering around.”

We go to the door to the cage of the little casino and ask the cashier if she’s seen a woman who looks like me.

Cashier: “Her? Yeah, she comes in a couple of times a month and plays the slots, is rude, and never tips. She looks just like you.”

From then on, when someone would start to speak as if they knew me, my first answer was to always tell them, “I’m [My Name]. You’re thinking of the other one.” And, for the record, I do not have a twin sister at all.

This Relationship Doesn’t Sound Like A Party

, , , , , | Romantic | February 16, 2021

I’m a woman and one of my best friends is a man. We tend to make pretty crude jokes to each other. One day, I find a truly awful piece of “art” for sale on a site for handmade goods; the best words to describe it would be “unicorn sex party.” I can’t resist, and I email my best friend the link with some silly comment like, “Hey, now I know what to get you for your birthday!” The following day, he yells at me.

Friend: “Why did you email that link? My wife was really offended!”

Me: “I didn’t mean to offend anyone; I was just being silly. Why was she offended, though? I sent it to you.”

My friend speaks slowly, as though explaining something to a child.

Friend: “Because we share the same email address. You know, like all normal married couples do. I’m sure you and [Husband] have the same address.”

Me: “You’d lose that bet because no, we don’t.”

Friend: *Pauses* “Really? You mean that you get emails that he doesn’t see, and vice-versa?”

Me: “Yes?”

Friend: “Huh. I’d never trust [Wife] that much, and I know for a fact that she wouldn’t trust me.”

I learned something about my friend’s marriage that day. I couldn’t help but be a bit sad.

Making A Stand Over Candy

, , , | Right | February 15, 2021

I work in an assisted living facility. A woman comes into the front lobby and asks for our director. She’s expecting her for an interview.

Me: “I will let [Director] know you’re here.”

The woman keeps standing over my desk, staring at me.

Me: “You’re welcome to have a seat.”

Woman: “No, thank you.”

She continues to stand there, hovering.

Me: “Okay…”

I call the director to let her know her interview is here and then continue my typing work. She is still standing there.

Woman: “Is that for everybody?”

She points to candy on my desk that is partially hidden by the taller part of my desk and phone.

Me: “No… that’s my coworker’s.”

The woman gives me a suspicious look.

Woman: “Okay.”

Me: “I can’t just hand it out.”

Woman: “Fine.”

She crossed her arms and pouted. My boss came out and they went off for the interview. The candy was mine, by the way, not a random coworker’s. But who does that?! Lurking over a reception desk, not taking a seat when it’s offered, and trying to pilfer someone’s candy that’s obviously hidden on their desk…