Didn’t Quite Steal My Heart

, , , , | Romantic | July 9, 2014

(I meet a guy at a club I like and we flirt for a night. A week later I run into him again on base but he seems uninterested. I am disappointed, but not extremely upset since I barely know him. I never see him again and would have forgotten about it except for the odd conversation I have with an angry girl a few months later.)

Angry Girl: “There you are! Stop trying to steal my man from me! He’s MY husband!”

Me: “That guy? I met him at the club ONCE. He didn’t even know you then.”

Angry Girl: “I know you’re trying to steal my husband! Stop lying about it!”

Me: “Seriously, I don’t want him. That was months ago.”

Angry Girl: “Just stay away from him!”

(I never did figure out why she was so fixated on the concept of me stealing a man I’d only met twice, but over the course of the next year she keeps accusing me of trying. Even after their divorce she tries picking fights with me.)

Angry Girl: “Well, I have my revenge now! How does it feel? I stole your boyfriend [Marine] from you!”

Me: “Um, I broke up with him a few weeks ago. We agreed to date other people again. He’s free to be with whomever he wants.”

Angry Girl: “No, you’re lying! I stole him!”

Me: “Whatever.”

(I’m not sure which made [Marine] more angry, though… to find out that she had gone after him to date in revenge for her imagined issues with me, or that she decided to be in a relationship because she needed someone to clean her house for her so she wouldn’t be evicted.)

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Terminate This Purchase

, , , , , | Right | December 23, 2013

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. Absolutely.”

(I realize the customer is buying three things. A pack of water pistols, lighter fluid, and matches.)

Me: “Um… This is an interesting purchase.”

Customer: “Yeah, there’s a wasp infestation in my garage. Figured this is easier than an exterminator.”

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Bizarre Behavior Themed Giveaway Roundup

, | Right | December 4, 2013

Bizarre Behavior Themed Giveaway Roundup! Here’s a final roundup of stories from last month’s themed giveaway!

  1. Was Not Performed In Chest (1,138 thumbs up)
  2. This Store Takes Credit (1,0673 thumbs up)
  3. A Sudden Stamp Of Recognition (1,737 thumbs up)
  4. Doesn’t Give Two Hoots About Listening (2,203 thumbs up)
  5. A Streetcar Named Cheshire (1,604 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Driving In Laps

, , , | Right | November 21, 2013

(I used to work as a police officer back in old Yugoslavia. One summer night, I do a routine stop for a speeder. Surprisingly, it’s an old Fiat 500. I walk up and the window rolls down. I see the driver, a man. On his lap is a woman.)

Me: “Um, sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Man: “Yes, I think I was speeding.”

Me: “You think? Well, it’s also because you have a woman on your lap.”

Man: “What are you talking about? I don’t have anyone on my lap!”

Me: “Sir, I am not stupid. There is a woman on your lap!”

Man: “Officer, I assure you there is no woman on my lap! Have you been drinking tonight?”

Me: “Okay, then. Sir, please step out of the car.”

Man: “What? I’ve done nothing wron—”

Me: “Step out of the car, sir.”

(The man comes out and so does the woman on his lap. As they exit, I look into the car and see another man in the passenger seat, also with a woman on his lap.)

Me: “Everyone step out of the car!”

(The other man and his woman friend stepped out as well, but unbelievably I saw another six women come out of the back seat, three of whom had been sitting on the other women’s laps. As they all lined up in front of me, I still couldn’t believe my eyes. Ten people — two men and eight women — somehow piled into this one tiny little car. I was so astonished that I let them go! I just made sure no one was drunk and that the driver had an open lap. Even then, I still followed them home to make sure they didn’t get into a wreck.)

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No Paws For Thought, Part 2

, , | Right | September 12, 2013

(I am disabled and have a service dog that assists me. My disability isn’t physical, so sometimes people stop me to try and figure out what my service dog is for. He is completely trained and certified. I am shopping when another customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Oh, are you training that service dog? How kind of you!”

Me: “Actually, he’s my service dog. He’s completely trained.”

Customer: “But you aren’t blind!”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “How DARE you take a service dog away from a blind person? You ought to be ashamed!”

Me: “Ma’am, not all disabilities are visible. Plenty of people who aren’t blind have service dogs. He’s not trained to assist the blind.”

Customer: “You’re just faking it! He’s just a pet and you’re lying! Give me that!”

(The customer grabs for my service dog’s leash. The leash is looped around my chest and shoulders like a purse, so this does not go well. An employee of this store sees the altercation happen, and comes running over.)

Employee: “Ma’am! Let go of the dog!”

Customer: “No! This girl is lying! He’s not a real service dog and she’s not blind!”

Me: “Let go! This is assault!”

Customer: *pushes down on my service dog’s behind* “Sit! Sit! Bad dog!”

(I physically yank away from her and give my service dog the signal to tuck in behind me. The lady grabs him by the tail and he yelps.)

Customer: “See?! See?!”

(The employee keeps trying to get the customer to leave me alone, but she starts to grab at any part of us she can get to. The security officers show up and haul the screaming customer away. As they drag her out of the store, she is still yelling about me being a liar.)

Employee: “Oh, my God! I am so sorry! I have never seen anyone so crazy!”


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