Customer: “One packet of cigarettes, please.”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to need to see an ID.”

Customer: “What for? I can’t show you ID. You’re gonna steal my identity!”

Me: “Sir, it’s the law.”

Customer: “No! F*** you and f*** this government! No one is getting my personal data! That’s how you manipulate votes!” *Storms out*

I worked at a fast food place in a smaller town as a team leader on the later shifts, getting off after 10:00 five nights a week. This particular restaurant was the highest-grossing one of this chain in the entire district, including the majority of Northern California. At night, it’s pretty slow and uneventful in the lobby, the main business coming through the drive-thru for dinner and late snacks.

One night, though, one particular “regular” came in. She was wearing relatively skimpy clothes that were torn all about, very revealing in general. She simply ordered a value item and a drink and proceeded to wait in the back. An older gentleman came in a little while later, ordered something similar, and sat near her. At first, it seemed innocent enough.

Though I had missed what led up to this, the woman started “performing” for the gentleman in the corner of the restaurant, including on the table, the bench of the booth, and even nearby chairs. It was, to put it very simply, something that one shouldn’t be doing in a public area in any capacity. When anyone came out, they would stop and try to hide it, but the cameras saw everything. My employees were at a loss, so I got an idea.

I checked the drive-thru to make sure it was empty and then checked the time: it was around time for me to take a meal break. I got some food together and clocked out for my meal. I could have gone into the break room, but instead, I sat opposite the restaurant from the “couple” in the corner and enjoyed my dinner. They were stiff and didn’t move much while I was out there. About ten minutes later, the woman got up, muttering something angrily, and stormed out, basically dragging the man with her. From that night on, I didn’t see this woman show up again, even though she was relatively a regular.

I found out later that she was banned from the restaurant by the manager for smoking in the doorway, and then blowing cigarette smoke in his face, as well as attempting to steal — and I wish I was making this up — the thermostat.

I work at a call center for roadside assistance. Weekend nights are generally fun, with the usual complement of drunk or intoxicated people, but this is one I’ve never heard before. My coworker takes the call, so I only hear his side of the conversation. Some excerpts:

Coworker: “No, sir, I need your license plate before we send someone out; we need to look up your contract information.”

Coworker: “Where do we need to go? Your address?” *Pauses* “And what is your address, sir?” *Pauses* “No, we don’t know your address.” *Pauses* “You don’t want to give it? Then we can’t send anyone to help you.” *Pauses* “Why not? Because we don’t know where to go.”

Coworker: “Could you give me your phone number so we can contact you if necessary?” *Pauses* “What do you mean, a conspiracy? A conspiracy using your cell phone? Sir, we just want to be able to contact you, nothing more.”

As if we’d sell his number to a telemarketer…

Coworker: “Well, then, do you have a home phone we could call?” *Pauses* “Your phone is tapped? And you don’t want people to hear your conversations?”

On a phone call. Which is recorded for quality purposes, as indicated at the start of the conversation.

And on and on… I was nearly doubled over laughing; my coworker not so much!

It is Saint Patrick’s Day, which falls on a Sunday this year. I just throw on my uniform and run to work as a cashier, not really remembering about the holiday. We wear khaki pants and a navy blue polo shirt with the company logo on it, so no green. No one really says anything except a couple of customers who make jokes about it, until this one lady comes through my line; she is totally normal until the end of the transaction.

Me: “Your total is [amount]; cash or card?”

She turns to the bagger, who is a minor, so his badge is a different color than mine, which happens to be green.

Customer: *Very intensely* “Are you wearing green?!”

The bagger points to his badge and smiles.

Bagger: “Yes, ma’am.”

The customer turns to me.

Customer: “What about you?!”

I laugh politely.

Me: “No, ma’am, I forgot about it this morning.”

Customer: “Well, then, you need to be pinched.”

She reaches across the register making a pinching motion. It takes a moment for the fact that she isn’t joking to register. By this time, we have completed the transaction and I have her receipt in my hand to give to her.

Me: “Haha…”

I realize that she is dead serious and it doesn’t seem like she wants to play; from her motions, she wants to take a piece out of my arm.

Customer: “You have to be pinched!”

I back away, wondering what I have gotten into.

Customer: *To her husband* “Pinch her! She isn’t wearing green!”

He is a little closer to me, getting their groceries. He sighs like this isn’t the first time and just tells her to let it go.

Me: *More serious now* “Ma’am, I will give you your receipt but do not pinch me.”

I hand it to her by the edge, keeping as much distance as possible between us. She leaves, yelling about the fact that I need to be pinched. I half expect her to run back in and tackle me. The poor sixteen-year-old bagger has been standing there with a WTF face the entire time, holding his badge in front of himself like a shield.

Me: *Heavy sigh* “Welcome to retail, where customers forget we are people, too, and might not want to be pinched by a stranger.”

This story is part of the Saint Patrick’s Day 2022 roundup!

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I see an older man standing in front of the counter, so I assume he wants to order and head over. I look young, but I’m twenty-five and married.

Me: “Hello! What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t know yet what I’ll like. I’m just waiting for my wife here. She will then tell me what I want!”

He tells me this in a weirdly solemn voice, so I assume he is joking. I attempt to joke with him.

Me: “I’m sure you can know yourself what you’ll like if you try!”

Customer: *In a completely serious tone now* “I see you obviously don’t have a man in your life. Don’t you know that as soon as a man is married, his wife gets to make all the decisions?”

I wait for him to start laughing, but he only stares down at me. I realize he’s actually serious.

Me: *Uncomfortable* “Uh, well, I’m going to ask my husband how he feels about that when I get home.” 

Customer: “Oh, yes. Ask him. I will wait for my wife.”

He didn’t move an inch from his spot and kept staring at me while I continued with my tasks until another customer approached me. I attended several more customers before an older woman entered the store who turned out to be his wife. I saw him show her something on my counter. I could not make out what they were saying, but they had a short discussion and then the wife ushered her husband out, without buying anything.

I still don’t know if I should feel sorry for that man… but he seemed to absolutely believe what he said.