I’m not so poor that I’m barely scraping by, but times are lean enough that groceries matter. I usually go to the grocery store and get either chicken or hamburger — whichever is the better deal — bring it home, and package it into my freezer.

Now, for weeks, I would get home and the meat would be nowhere to be found. I was growing more and more frustrated because meat is expensive enough as it is. Paying for it, only for it to disappear was getting frustrating. I started asking around my neighbors, but no one seemed to know what was happening. The meat was the only thing disappearing, so it seemed weird for say, a food thief not to just take the entire bag.

Then, one day, one of my neighbors called me over. He played some security footage for me from one of his cameras that just happened to face the right direction.

I watched myself grab some bags out of my trunk and carry them inside, leaving the trunk open for the next foray. As I disappeared… a dog appeared! The naughty pup slunk to my trunk, snagged the meat — packaging and all — and bolted. By the time I came back out, the dog was gone, as was my meat.

Something about the dog looked off and I looked closer. That was not just any stray; this dog was female and (rather obviously) a nursing mama. Now I was in a quandary. While I was not pleased by the theft of my food by a stray, this dog couldn’t be left on the street. Unfortunately, once the dog was out of frame, there were over a dozen directions this pup could be hurrying off in, and the local vets had been posting about getting parvo (a rather deadly disease for puppies) vaccines for your pets.

I made a call to the nearest no-kill animal shelter, and they sent a team out to canvass the area. They had no luck for days until I called to suggest that I was going shopping and to maybe send a team to observe and hopefully follow the mama dog back to her hideaway. Sure enough, I came back outside to see the truck with the animal rescue team carefully rolling off at the end of the road, clearly on the hunt.

After some careful stalking, the mama dog and seven pups were taken back to the shelter where, thankfully, everybody was doing fine. Mama dog needed some fattening up since scrounging for food to feed so many was clearly taxing her body. But no one was infected with anything distressing.

I can’t afford to take in any of the furry rascals that the mama dog was feeding, so they’re now at a foster home to be cared for. Mom will be spayed, the pups vaccinated, and they’ll be in a safe place until they’re old enough to be adopted.

And my meat isn’t disappearing anymore, so wins all around, haha!

Me: “Good morning! Thanks for shopping at [Store]. Did you find everything you were looking for today?

Customer: “Y’know, last night, I had a dream that I had a really good nap, and when I woke up, I realized that I was only dreaming about the really good nap. Now I’m really annoyed that my dream was just a dream…“

Me: “Uh…”

The customer then looks at me, somewhere between a squint and a glare.

Customer: “Quick, what’s 2,876 plus 9,883?”

Me: “Uh… why?”

Customer: “Just do it! Use your calculator!”

Me: “It’s 12,759.”

Customer: “Oh, good. If this was still a dream, I never would have been able to do that in my head.”

Against my better judgment, I speak what’s immediately on my mind.

Me: “How do you know that’s the correct number and not just some number your brain made up?”

Customer: *Pause* “D*** it!”

I work in accounting for a dealership. One of my main job duties is to make payoffs for trade-in vehicles. Getting a payoff quote is usually an easy and straightforward process. Almost all of the major banks have the option to do the payoff online, but only about half of the credit unions and various car brand financing companies have the online option. When that happens, I have to call and get a quote. The nice companies have an option for a payoff quote in their automated menus and will have the robot give me the quote and mailing address, and I don’t have to speak to a person at all. Then, there’s [Electric Car Brand].

A customer traded in their [Electric Car] to us with a payoff. I checked online first just in case, but it wasn’t an option, so I went to the brand’s website and clicked on the “Contact Us” option. It wanted me to sign into an account! I thought, “No way am I creating an account just to get a phone number,” so I poked around on their website a little bit, but I didn’t see anything useful. I then went to Google and typed in something like “number to call [Electric Car Brand]” and miraculously found a page with their 800 number. 

Their automated menu had no options for a payoff or to actually speak with a live person. I even tried pressing zero (a trick to bypass the menus at a lot of places) to get to an operator, but that didn’t work. It felt like this company thought there was no way anyone who bought one of their cars would ever trade it into a different brand dealership, especially before the customer had fully paid it off.

After a few layers of menus, each one starting with, “Log into your app in the car for the answer,” I eventually found the option for their financing department and got this from their robot: “Email us at [unintelligible] or press two to leave a message. Press one to repeat.” I listened to that message a couple of times until I understood the email address, but I also left a voice message.

A few hours later, [Electric Car Brand] actually called me back. I honestly didn’t think they would. I confirmed the customer and vehicle information with the representative. Then, things took a turn.

Representative: “Okay, so the payoff amount is [amount], and that’s good until [date ten days away]. Will you be wiring us the money?”

Me: “No, we’ll be writing a check. Do you have a good overnight address where I can mail it?”

Representative: “Oh, you’re mailing a check? Um, okay.”

This is actually standard for most dealerships when they can’t do a payoff online.

Representative: “I can email you the payoff quote and the address.”

My work email is fairly long. It’s my first and last name at the company site, and my parents gave me a long first name to go with a long last name. Let’s pretend my name is Solomon Zimmerman, and the name of the dealership is “Johnson [Car Brand]”. My first name really does begin with an S, which is relevant. Also, the connection was not bad at all and the woman had zero accent, so I really don’t understand what happened.

Me: “Sure. My email is kind of long, so you know. It’s Solomon, S-O-L-O-M-O-N—”

Representative: “Hold on! What was it?”

Me: “Solomon, S-O-L-O-M-O-N, and then Z like ‘zebra’, I, M like ‘Mary’, M like ‘Mary’, E—”

Representative: “Hold on! What was the first part?”

Me: “Solomon, S-O-L-O-M-O-N, then Zimmerman — Z, I, M like ‘Mary’, M like ‘Mary’, E, R like ‘Rick’, M like ‘Mary’, A, N like ‘Nancy’, at Johnson Cars dot com. That’s J, O, H, N like ‘Nancy’, S like ‘Sam’, O, N like ‘Nancy’, C-A-R-S dot com.”

Representative: “I have S-O-L-O-M-O-N-Z-I-M-M-E-R-M-A-N at J-O-H-N-S-O-N-C-A-R-S dot com. Is that correct?”

Me: “Yes.”

Representative: “Okay… And I sent the email. Let me know when you get it.”

I waited a minute and… nothing.

Representative: “Hmm… I have F like ‘Frank’, O like ‘octopus’—”

Me: “No. Not F. S like ‘Solomon’.”

Representative: “Oh, okay. Let me fix that, and please verify when you get it.”

After another minute, there was still no email. The representative read back the whole email, verifying each letter. She came up with “solomonzimmerman at johnfoncarf dot com”. And this was after she had changed the first S already, so the first email address she typed in was “folomonzimmerman at johnfoncarf dot com”. I had told her my first name several times, and my voicemail message had my name in it, so how did she get F? And how did she misspell “cars”?

Usually, people misspell my last name, but somehow, that was the only part of the whole email address she didn’t mess up. I felt a little bad for the customer, who was CC’d on all three emails and probably didn’t know what was going on.

I hope I never have to make another payoff for that company again.

Customer: “Can I use this coupon?”

Me: “That coupon is for [Competitor], not for our store.”

Customer: “Oh, am I not in [Competitor]?”

Me: “No. Also, this coupon expired in March, and it’s now October.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s October?”

Me: “…yes?”

Customer: “Oh, well, I’m here now. I’ll buy this stuff.”

Me: “Okay, your total is $40.”

The customer hands me $20.

Me: “Thanks. Did you want to pay the remaining $20 another way?”

Customer: “Wait, you still need more?”

Me: “Yes, the price is $40, and you’ve given me $20.”

Customer: “Can’t you use the $20 in your hand?”

Me: “That’s… the $20 that you just gave me.”

Customer: “It is? Oh. Put the rest on my card, then.”

Me: “Okay!”

He stands there, not moving. I wait for a polite amount of time before saying:

Me: “Sir? You need to swipe your card.”

Customer: “Oh? Really? How strange.”

Amazingly, he successfully swipes his card and pays for the rest of his total. He then starts to leave.

Me: “Sir!”

He turns around, staring at me blankly.

Me: “You forgot your items.”

Customer: “Oh! Silly me.”

The customer leaves, and my manager — who has witnessed the entire interaction — approaches me.

Manager: “Did that really happen?”

Me: “That’s not the worst part.”

Manager: “What is?”

Me: “He drove here.”

Back in my cable TV days, one of my service technicians came back from a call. He and others had been there four times in four days. Each time the same story was the same.

Technician: “The screen goes blank at about 4:00 pm every day. When the customer walks up to the TV, the picture comes back on. When she backs away, the picture mysteriously disappears.”

Me: “What was it?”

Technician: “Well, of course, by the time we get there, she can’t replicate the problem.

Finally, on day four, I sit down at the end of her street. Like clockwork, her call comes in about at 4:00 pm. Dispatch radios the tech, and I show up at the house in seconds.”

Me: “She must have been shocked.”

Technician: “I just said I was in the area. She shows me how the picture is gone but the sound is on. She walks up to the TV, the picture comes back. She walks away from the TV, the screen goes blank.”

Me: “How did you fix it?”

Technician: “I walked up to the living room window and closed the curtains. The sun was shining on the screen and washed out the picture at the same time every day.”