Whether You Choose East or West It’s All Going South

, , , | Friendly | August 16, 2017

(I have never played Dungeons & Dragons before, but my friend decides to start a new campaign and I ask to join because I want to get into it. All of our discussion takes place over online chat because there are seven of us scattered across North America, plus our DM who lives in Norway. I’ve never met any of these people or heard their voices before I joined the campaign group. These are the highlights of our first session.)

(4:30pm:)

Friend #1: “What’s everyone up to?”

Me: “I’m eating spaghetti and I got marinara sauce on my t*tties.”

Friend #2: “How…?”

Me: “I’m eating shirtless so I don’t get marinara on my shirt, OBVIOUSLY.”

(5:00:)

Friend #1: “[Friend #6] said she’ll be at work late so we can start without her.”

DM: “Oh, god. That means I have to get started. I’m not prepared.”

(5:10:)

DM: “The tax collectors came from the east.”

Friend #2: “So if we want to follow them, we head west.”

Friend #3: “Wait… what?”

Me: “The opposite of east is west.”

Me and Friend #2: *at once* “Never Eat Soggy Waffles.”

Friend #4: *who is in Canada* “…what do they teach you people in America?”

(5:30:)

Me: “Be right back, my roommate has company over so I have to put a shirt on.”

Friend #1: “Marinara t*ts.”

(5:45:)

Friend #2: “Can I roll a perception check and try to peek in the window and see if I find anything suspicious?”

DM: “Sure.” *rolls dice* “You got a 10. You can look, but there are people around who might find it suspicious.”

Me: “[Friend #3] and I distract the villagers with our awesome dance moves!”

DM: “Okay…” *rolls* “You got 12. Your performance draws a few strange looks and is distracting enough that no one notices [Friend #2].”

Me: “Sweet! Do we get any tips for our sick moves?”

DM: “No.”

Me: “Aww.”

(6:15:)

DM: “Your party sets up camp by the road. It starts to get dark.”

Friend #2: “Should we build a campfire?”

DM: “You could, but keep in mind you’re a band of wanted criminals and the smoke could draw the authorities.”

Me: “Guys, I’m a fire genasi. My hair is literally smokeless fire.”

Friend #3: “So it’s settled. We’ll just huddle around [My Name] all night.”

(6:30:)

DM: “A pair of guards comes up the road. You need to hide quickly.”

(The rest of our party hides somewhat successfully, but I roll a one on stealth so my character decides to hide behind Friend #2 and stand very still. Note that Friend #2’s character is a lawful good monk.)

DM: “The guard asks what you’re doing.”

Friend #2: “What, me? I’m not doing anything.”

DM: “So what’s wrong with your friend there?”

Friend #2: “I was, uh… traveling to the monastery when I found this ungodly heathen–”

Me: “It’s true; I’m very ungodly.”

Friend #2: “I was bringing her with me so I could show her the light of the gods.”

DM: “I see. You wouldn’t have anything to do with that farm that burned down yesterday?”

Me: “Oh, because I’m a fire elemental, I’m automatically the subject of an arson case? This is racial profiling!”

DM: “The guard gets off his horse and attempts to arrest you.”

Me: “IT’S CLOBBERING TIME!”

(I roll a one, AGAIN, so when my character tries to attack the guard she ends up hitting herself with her own morning star. Thankfully, the rest of the party gets some fairly good rolls and we manage to kill the guard.)

Friend #2: “WE JUST KILLED A MAN!”

Friend #3: “It was in self-defense.”

Friend #2: “I’m lawful good! I’m a monk! It’s our first session and we just KILLED someone!”

Everyone: “…”

Me: “Can I take his eyes as trophies?”

DM: “Sure.”

Friend #4: “If [My Name] gets to take his eyeballs then I’m taking his teeth!”

DM: “Okay.”

Friend #1: “Well, as long as we’re taking body parts… who’s going for his d**k?”

(We all ended up fighting for it, but Friend #2 was victorious.)

This May Be Good-Looking But This Doesn’t Look Good

, , , , | Working | August 15, 2017

(I work in a club that has separate servers for taking orders, delivering food, and delivering drinks. I am a food server. One night, a table server brings me an order, saying the customer found it too cold. It feels fine to me, but I reheat it and bring it out to her.)

Customer: *giving me the stink-eye* “Is this the same food?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you asked for it to be reheated.”

Customer: “No! I wanted a new dish! It was cold and I want new food cooked.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

(I go into the back, dump the food into a new basket, stick it in the microwave for five minutes, then bum around until it’s done. As I take the now lava-hot food out to the floor, a coworker who serves drinks passes me. He has a muscular build, but a baby face.)

Me: *getting an idea* “Hey, [Coworker]! Take this to the lady at table fifty. Just say it’s her new food.”

(He takes it and walks off. When he gets back, I ask how it went.)

Coworker: “She just took it and started eating.”

Me: “Ha! See, I knew no woman could resist a handsome guy like you bringing her food!”

Coworker: “…”

(Now when we have difficult customers, we have him handle it, because they love him!)

Caught You Egg-White Handed

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2017

(My coworker is handling a return when he calls me over.)

Coworker: “Can you check this? It doesn’t feel right.”

(I pick up the paint tin he is pointing at, and it does indeed feel off. The contents is moving around a lot more freely than expected.)

Me: “Sorry, but do you mind if I check the contents?”

Customer: “I do. You can check it after I have my refund.”

Me: “We won’t be refunding anything until I’m certain of what is inside.”

(I start removing the lid.)

Customer: “I SAID YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED!”

Me: ”This is… I don’t know…”

Coworker: *to the customer and backing away* “What is it?”

Customer: “It’s… it’s egg white.”

Me: “An entire paint tin of egg whites?”

(He fumbled for a bit then made a grab for the tin. He then ran out of the store, spilling the egg white everywhere. The strange thing was, the amount of eggs he would have needed to purchase to fill any entire tin would have cost more than the refund.)

Very ‘Special’ Waves

, , , | Friendly | August 13, 2017

(I am sitting on a bench outside of fast food place, eating food I have just bought from there. A woman bumps into me and I instinctively apologise.)

Woman: “I should think so! You bumped into me!

Me: “Actually, you bumped into me.”

Woman: “You have disrupted my special waves and my aura is now mauve instead of opal!”

(She then made a grab for my fries and stormed away when I grabbed them before her. She then bumped into a couple of few benches further  down who were also eating, and said her aura was now shamrock, before again trying to grab their food.)

It’s Not A Party If There’s No Banjo

, , , , | Friendly | August 12, 2017

Me: “Guess what I did last night!”

Coworker: “Partaaaay?”

Me: “What? Me? On a Friday night? Partying?”

Coworker: “No partaaay?”

Me: “No, I learned how to play the banjo.”