The Next Generation Is Finally Blooming

, , , | Right | March 2, 2018

Customer: “I need a bouquet of carnations and roses, in pink and orange, with one of these ‘final goodbye’ ribbons, for Friday morning.”

Florist: “Certainly. Do you want to pick it up here or have it delivered to the funeral?”

Customer: “I’ll pick it up here. It’s not for funeral; my son is graduating elementary school and it’s for his teacher.”

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Homocoholism

, , , , , | Friendly | March 1, 2018

(My friend rings me. Before I can even say “hello,” she blurts out to following.)

Friend: “What if I told you that you’re gay because you drink too much?”

Me: “You drink more than I do.”

Friend: “But I’m a girl, and I just read that alcoholics are more likely to be gay.”

Me: “Probably because the stress and fear of your friends and family turning on you for being gay is enough to turn you to drink?”

Friend: “That’s silly. Anyway, I’m going to monitor your alcohol intake over the next year and see how gay you feel after I remove you from it.” *hangs up*

(Next stop: Ex-Friend City.)

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Kale Fail

, , , , , | Right | March 1, 2018

(I’m a 20-something female produce employee, stocking the bagged salads on our cooler wall. I spot an older gentleman, [Customer #1], looking a bit confusedly at the cut fruit next to me.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything today?”

Custom *frowns at me* “Where’s the kale?”

Me: “Well, we have some right down to your right on the wall. I can show you—”

Customer #1: *cuts me off* “No, I don’t want to buy any; I just want to know where it is.”

Me: “Well, then. Um. That’s where it is. Oh! We also have baby kale right here.” *picks up a package of pre-washed baby kale from the box I was stocking*

Customer #1: *abruptly* “Can I have that?”

Me: “Oh, sure!” *begins to put it into his cart, as he makes no move to take it out of my hand*

Customer #1: “No, no, I meant, can I have some of that? I want to try it.”

Me: “Right, of course! No problem! Let me just open it up and—”

Customer #1: *cuts me off again* “Why are you still talking to me? Go away. I don’t talk to ugly girls.”

(I’m so shocked by this I just turn to walk away without responding. [Customer #2], a woman in her early 30s, has clearly overheard the whole exchange, and as I turn and walk away she meets my eyes and gives me the most incredulous and horrified look.)

Customer #2: “Oh, my God! I can’t believe he said that to you! What an a**hole! Can I hug you?”

([Customer #2] gave me a hug, which really did make the whole incident much better.)

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Might Need An Extra Day Off For Therapy

, , , , , | Working | March 1, 2018

(I am working part-time at a department store over the Christmas season. It is just about a week before Christmas. I am talking with a coworker about how busy it’s going to get.)

Coworker: “I have to work [days] next week.”

Me: “I work every day except [day], since I asked for it off.”

Coworker: “And they gave it to you?!”

Me: “Well, my mom actually died last month, and [Local Organization] is having a memorial for everyone who has died this last year. So, my brother and sister and I are all going.”

Coworker: “Yeah, I remember when I was younger, my uncle killed my aunt and then himself!”

(With that, she turns around and walks away.)

Me: “Congratulations. Your life sucks more than mine does.”

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Pumping Out Some Gender Bias

, , , , , , | Working | February 28, 2018

(I volunteer for a breastfeeding support organization that, among other things, hires breast pumps to women needing to express milk. One of our machines is acting up and, since the manufacturer’s recommended repairer is in another state, we are looking into other services that know small appliance motors. My colleague suggests her sewing machine guy.)

Guy: *chirpy* “Hello, [Sewing Machines].”

Me: “Hi, I was wondering if you service other small electrical appliances at all?”

Guy: *still chirpy* “All the time! What would you like me to take a look at?”

Me: “Great! Well, I’m from the [Organisation which includes the word ‘Breastfeeding’ in the name], and we’re having some problems with one of our electric breast pump machines, so we were wondering if you could take a look at it?”

Guy: *silence… then angry voice* “What do you think I am, some sort of perv?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Guy: *really angry, now* “This is ladies’ business! You should be asking the ladies about this!”

Me: “Well, I don’t know any ladies that can tell me if the drive belt is tensioned correctly. I just thought, seeing as you are an electrician, familiar with these kinds of motors, this would be something you could look at.”

Guy: *shouts* “I am not a pervert!” *hangs up*

(We ended up getting it serviced by someone’s 80-year-old engineer grandfather; so much for “ladies’ business.”)

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