Make Your Blood Run Cold

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 31, 2017

(My boyfriend has a German Shepherd who, while playing at the dog park, cut his paw on something. We are looking at the injury on our bed, trying to keep the dog calm.)

Me: “Here, let me take the blanket off the bed so he doesn’t stain it.”

Boyfriend: “Thanks, babe.”

Me: “No problem. I have dealt with plenty of blood in my life, and I know how hard it is to get stains out of fabric.”

Boyfriend: *looks up at me in horror*

Me: “I menstruate.”

Boyfriend: “Oh…”

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We’re Not Selling What You’re Buying

, , , , , , | Right | October 30, 2017

(I work at a large and “alternative” store known for its laid back attitude and plain-clothes “uniform.” People tend to shop at this store for the prices, regardless of how they feel about alternative culture. We are trained to ask open-ended questions when approaching customers.)

Me: “Hi there! What brings you into [Store] today?”

Customer: *looking me up and down with disdain* “Does this look like a F****** CHEMIST to you?”

Me: *stuttering* “No?”

Customer: “Then, clearly, I want to buy something! F***!”

Me: *smiles and walks off*

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Cats Have Nine Lives And More Names

, , , , , , | Working | October 30, 2017

(I work at an animal shelter. We have several different buildings on our site, and different rooms for the cats to be in. Our frequent volunteers know some of the longer-term resident cats really well and notice when they are adopted or pass away.)

Volunteer: “I saw that [Cat #1] was adopted!”

Me: “No, she is right here.” *points to [Cat #1]*

Volunteer: “I mean [Cat #1] out in [Room #2].”

Me: “I don’t think we have a cat by that name in [Room #2].”

Volunteer: “With the squished face? She was moved to [Other Adoption Center].”

Me: “Oh, you mean [Cat #2]?”

Volunteer: “I call her [Cat #1].”

Me: “Okay, I was unaware of that.”

Volunteer: “Or sometimes Amanda because her eyes look like Amanda Bynes.”

Me: “…”

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Underwear Underperforming

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 30, 2017

(While we’re saving up money to pay off debts and buy a home, my husband and I rent a house with a good friend of his, who I also work with. In retrospect, this wasn’t a great idea. The friend and I work similar day shifts, while my husband often works long or overnight shifts. We have very thin walls, so I hear everything every time the friend has “company” over. We recently had a discussion about this, which lead to him assuming that I never get any action, and his lady friends have since become more vocal. I have given up and begun keeping headphones nearby. I should also note that while we typically do our laundry separately, some recently became mixed when the friend was attempting to be helpful. The following occurs while we are taking a break at work with another coworker, after we’ve shared the house for a few months.)

Coworker: “So, what’s it like living together?”

Me: “Not bad.”

Friend: “Yeah, but I’m a little disappointed.”

Coworker: “Why?”

Friend: “Well, I thought you would wear better stuff.”

Me: “What are you talking about? My clothes are fine. Why does that matter?”

Friend: “Not your clothes, exactly. I just mean I was disappointed when I found out that you don’t wear anything lacy. It’s probably why you don’t get laid. If you wore sexier underwear, your husband would want you more.”

Me: “Excuse me? That’s really inappropriate.”

Friend: “I just know he isn’t giving you anything. You really should wear something nicer for him.”

(I started to tear into him about minding his own business, but fortunately my coworker stepped in and redirected the conversation to something else. A lengthy conversation with him is planned, since moving isn’t an option yet. The good news is that at least I know he isn’t going through my closet, or he would really know that underwear is not an issue!)

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People Who Have To Say They Are Fancy Aren’t

, , , , | Right | October 29, 2017

(I go to a popular coffee chain about once a week that has different sizing than the conventional small, medium, and large. I always order a “tall” drink but can never bring myself to say “tall,” because I think it is rather unnecessary. I always just say “small” when I order, since they mean the same thing. The baristas know what I mean and never say anything about it. However, one day, another customer who is behind me in line has a problem with it.)

Me: “Can I please have a small [drink]?”

Barista: “Sure. Name, plea—”

Customer: *practically screaming* It’s ‘tall,’ not ‘small!’ Order it right!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I come here because it is fancier than other coffee places, and you need to order it right or it’s not fancy! You’re ruining it for me. IT’S ‘TALL’, NOT ‘SMALL!’ SAY IT RIGHT or GET OUT!”

(Both the barista and I are in shock, but I just do what the customer is asking because she is scaring me with her tone.)

Me: “Uh, okay. Can I have a tall [drink]?”

Barista: “Uh, yeah, sure. Uh, name, please?”

(I gave her my name and paid, and as I headed over to the waiting area I heard the other customer muttering under her breath about “trash coming into her fancy coffee shop.” When the barista handed me my drink she gave me an apologetic look. Still not sure why the customer cared so much, as calling the drink something different won’t change how it tastes.)

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