Life Plans Are Kind Of My Life…

, , , , | Friendly | December 16, 2017

(In my college town, I run into a friend I haven’t seen since middle school, over 15 years ago. We quickly agree to meet for dinner to catch up.)

Me: “So, we’ve been living in this same small town for the last four years, and we’ve never run into each other!”

Friend: “That’s crazy; I know!”

Me: “I do feel kind of bad about it; I’m moving to [West Coast City] in two months.”

Friend: “You’re not going to do that now, are you?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Friend: “All of my friends are my wife’s friends. I don’t really have any guy friends.”

Me: “Well, that sucks, and I’d be happy to hang out more between now and my move, but this is a big deal and I’m going to move.”

(He abruptly changes the subject. Later that same evening we are at a bar and I meet his wife.)

Wife: “So, you’re moving to [West Coast City]?! When?”

Me: “In August.”

Wife: “That’s so exciting! I’m really excited for you!”

(My friend grabs her attention quickly and whispers something I can’t hear. She gets visibly annoyed and I can make out what she’s saying.)

Wife: *to him* “I’m not going to demand he change his life plans because you guys just reconnected!”

(The three of us didn’t find an opportunity to hang out again before I left.)

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Blowing Nothing But Hot Air

, , , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(I am an apprentice glassblower, learning under a master artisan who has been in the business for over 30 years. One day, I’m working on a piece while my boss works with tourists, answering questions and explaining what I am doing.)

Tourist: *to me* “Excuse me, I have a question.”

Boss: “I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have! He’s working on a time-sensitive piece.”

Tourist: “Uh, no. Excuse me! Excuse me!”

Boss: “Really, please don’t interrupt him. I’m more than happy to answer any questions.”

(The tourist is quiet for a minute, and then starts climbing over the railing to get to me. My boss grabs him back, and I abandon the piece I’m working on to get on the phone to security.)

Tourist: “I just wanted to ask a question, and I knew that old guy wouldn’t know! Is that so hard?”

Me: “What the h*** could you have to ask?”

Tourist: *pointing* “Is that fire hot?”

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Adult Stores Gets The Least Adult Calls

, , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(I work in an adult store, but I answer the phone both for us and for the topless club next door. Most people call with questions about the topless club.)

Caller: “What are the qualifications to work there?”

Me: “You have to be 18.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. That’s it?”

Me: “Yep. You’d have to fill out an application and talk to a manager.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m real pretty.”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “I mean, I’m a little thick, but some guys like that.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Caller: “And I have a few burn scars. See, I grew up in the ghetto. Let me just start from when I was born—”

Me: *click*

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Hello, Is This Surreality?

, , , | Working | December 14, 2017

(I’m a telemarketer and whenever I have a bad day I call this one number who always makes my day. The lady on the other end always seemed to get a kick out of getting telemarketers like me. Here are just some of my favorites:)

First Time:

Me: “Hello, is this [First name, Last Name]?”

Lady: “No, it’s the f****** Easter bunny and I’m on vacation. Go bother Santa.” *click*

Random Time:

Lady: “Hello, this is Warehouse of F***s. I’m sorry to say we have none to give right now. I would say try back later but our f***s just run out so darn fast, we almost never have any. Have a nice day! Bye!” *click*

Random Time:

Lady: “Hello, you have reached Mistress Iron Maiden, I can’t come to the phone right now, but feel free to give me your name, number, and how you want me to emasculate you at the beep and I’ll get right back to you. Beep!” *click*

Favorite of all Time:

Lady: “Hello, this is the Fairy Tail Bakery. I’m sorry we can’t come to the phone right now. We are either on the other line taking another order, closed, or the raccoons have burrowed through our walls again and we’ve all run for our lives because those raccoons are twice the size of a very large fat cat.” *click*

Me: “Oh, I need more than that.” *calls back*

Lady: “IT WAS THE RACCOONS!” *screams in terror, the phone sounds like it’s been dropped and then sounds of some sort of animal screeching in the distance* “COME AT ME, MOTHER-F*****S! THESE ARE MY CUPCAKES!” *click*

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The Cult Of Spongebob

, , , , , | Right | December 13, 2017

(Our restaurant is divided into two rooms, and because the second room contains a TV and small arcade, it’s very popular among families. An action movie is playing on the TV, when a customer comes to me at the cash register.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but could you please change the channel to something more kid-friendly? That movie is completely inappropriate.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’ll take care of that right away.”

(I go into the room and all the kids are either running around or playing in the arcade while paying little to no attention to what’s on TV, but I decide to oblige and begin flipping through the channels, when I finally reach Nickelodeon.)

TV: “Oooooooooooh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob Squarepants!”

(I looked back to find all the kids that were bouncing off the walls were now taking a seat and quietly watching TV. Creeped out, I went back to my post.)

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