Three Different Types Of Monster

, , , , | Romantic | August 24, 2017

(My husband works nights, and is often extremely tired during the day, but he sleeps very erratically, so it’s hard to plan his eating schedule. I try to help him. Today, he has requested that I wake him up around 6:30 pm so he can eat. Also important to note, he can be very difficult to wake up and has a tendency to sleep-talk.)

Me: “Honey, it’s 6:45, and you said you wanted me to wake you up so you could eat.”

Husband: *eyes half-open* “No, there’s three different types.”

Me: “Of what?”

Husband: *sitting up, starts counting off our pillows, although we only have two* “No, there’s one, two… three…”

Me: “Three of what? What are you talking about?”

(He starts pulling back each of the pillow cases to inspect each pillow, getting more confused each time he goes back and forth from one to the other. I’m trying to suppress giggles. At this point, he is fully sitting up, moving around, with his eyes totally open, and speaking clearly. All signs of being awake. I’m expecting him to snap out of his confusion at any moment.)

Husband: *saying each word as he pulls back each pillow case* “No… There’s three… different… types…”

Me: *trying not to die of laughter* “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m talking about you eating food.”

Husband: “No! They’re for the… for the monster.” *looking very concerned, and again eyeing the pillows very suspiciously*

Me: *not even trying to stop laughing* “You know what? Just go back to sleep.”

(I gave him a slight push, and he promptly collapsed backwards onto his pillow and fell right back asleep.)

That Card Might Have To Be Custom

, , , | Right | August 23, 2017

Customer: “I need a card saying ‘thank you for my new grandchild.'”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re out of stock right now.”

Customer: “Well, that’s ridiculous! I need it right now! My daughter went into labour a week ago!”

Me: “A… week ago? You mean she’s still in labour?”

Customer: “Yes! The baby’s head came out a week ago. That’s why I need a card right now.”

(I think her daughter might need a doctor at this point, not a card.)

Not Happy With The Choices Of Happiness

, , , , | Right | August 23, 2017

Me: “Hi there, order whenever you’re ready.”

Customer: “I’d like two [Children’s] meals.”

(Waits a bit.)

Me: “Okay… do you want the hamburger, cheeseburger, four-piece or six-piece nuggets, or [Specialty Sandwich]?”

Customer: “The nuggets.”

Me: “Okay, which one?”

Customer: “The smaller one.”

Me: “Okay, and would you like apple slices or gogurt?”

Customer: “Apples.”

Me: “Would you like the boy toy or girl toy?”

Customer: “Whaaaat…? Okay, this is too complicated; I’ll catch ya later, sweetie.” *drives off*

(She came back about 30 minutes later, gave it another go, and she dealt with it more constructively.)

Not A Corn-Fed Hippy

, , , , | Right | August 22, 2017

(A guy dressed as a hippy, with a slightly pungent unwashed odour (with warm cannabis notes) greets me. I notice he’s got a swastika tattooed between his eyebrows. I am Jewish so tempted to find another colleague to help him as it makes me feel uncomfortable; however, I decide that I would not want to inflict his odour on anybody else.)

Hippy: “Hey, man, what are these?”

Me: “Those are Sun Bites.”

Hippy: “Are they crisps?”

Me: “Kinda, they’re corn snacks rather than potato chips.”

Hippy: “So… like Pringles?”

Me: “More similar to Skips or Wotsits. Pringles are potato snacks.”

Hippy: “So…. corn isn’t potato?”

Me: “Nope.”

Hippy: “Ah, MAN! So how does it grow?”

(Wanting to get rid of this crazy swastika hippy.)

Me: “Well, potatoes grown in the ground; corn is grown above ground. You have Pringle roots for Pringles. These come from Sun Bites berries, Skips come from a Skips tree, and Wotsits come from a Wotsits bush — which you have to hunt rather than farm.”

Hippy: *grabs a six pack of Sun Bites and wanders off towards the till, exclaiming as he goes* “Ah, MAN. Oh, wow. Oh ,DUDE. FAR OUT. F****** FAR OUT. Oh, my days. OH, MAN!”

(I vaguely wonder if he is an alien who had been transported here to 2015 equipped with ’70s sayings.)

These Customers Are Better Than Those Ones

, , , , , | Right | August 22, 2017

Customer: “Excuse me, are you [Store] people?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can we help you?”

Customer: “Do you ever have store meetings with all the workers?”

Me: *thinking she’s going to ask us to promote something* “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer: “Oh, good. The girl in the shoe department was showing someone some boots and she said ‘these ones’ and ‘those ones.’ Someone needs to tell her it’s ‘these’ and ‘those,’ not ‘these ones’ and ‘those ones.’” *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “I’ll… um… all right.”

(I have worked retail for years and am a grammar perfectionist myself. I have never considered telling another adult in the workplace to correct her grammar. My favorite part was that she didn’t want me to walk right over and talk to her; she wanted me to bring this up at a store meeting in front of everyone!)

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