A Message From The Dead

, , , , , | | Healthy | July 18, 2019

My sister was a nurse in the geriatric ward of a hospital. Once, when she was doing the night shift, a patient died in his sleep due to old age. The normal procedure would be to get the bed out of the room on the corridor and someone from pathology would come up and collect it. The problem here was that the patient’s death was noticed around five or six in the morning and pathology had a shift change, so it would take longer as usual for someone to come up.

My sister and the other nurse present were worried that some of the early bird patients would wander the corridor and notice the body, so they decided to move the bed to the nurse’s room. The other nurse went on to respond to a patient’s call and my sister started preparing the morning medications for the patients.

Now, I assume everybody is familiar with rigor mortis? The body getting stiff after death? Well, that’s not a process that happens immediately. It takes some time, sometimes up to two days, until the whole body is stiff.

So, my sister was moving around in the small nurse’s office and preparing the medications, doing what you need to do for that. Occasionally, she would bump into the bed a little bit. Finally, the dead had enough of his disturbed peace and his hand slid out under the blanket, giving my sister a slap right on her backside.

The whole ward was awake after that.

Never Tried Fast Food Before

, , , | | Right | July 17, 2019

(I work at an independent fast food restaurant. An older couples walk in.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Wife: “Table for two.”

Me: “You actually order up here, and then seat yourself wherever you’d like!”

Wife: *very displeased* “How would I order up here with no menu? And how are we supposed to know where to sit if you don’t show us?”

Me: “We actually have our menu right above the register here; it has everything we serve o—”

Wife: “No. This isn’t proper. I want us to be seated with menus, like a real restaurant.”

(The husband sighs and mouths, “Sorry,” to me.)

Me: “Ma’am, we’ll take your order up here and then bring it out to you when it’s ready.”

Husband: *very upset with her* “Please just order, dear. Don’t argue with the young man about the tables.”

Wife: “No, I want to speak to your manager.”

(I go back to our office space to get her.)

Manager: “Hi. What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Wife: “Your restaurant doesn’t have hosts or menus.”

Manager: “Yup! You’re allowed to seat yourself here, and our menu is up h—”

Wife: “NO. I want a real menu!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t have personal menus here.”

Wife: “What an awful place. I don’t see how you have any customers. [Husband], let’s go to the car!”

Husband: “I’ll use the restroom, quick, and then I’ll be out, dear.”

(She scoffs at me and my manager and leaves.)

Husband: “I’m so sorry. Please take this; I know customers like her are hard.”

(He gave me and my manager a $25 tip a piece. He now comes in to get food without her and is one of my favorite customers!)

If That’s Molesting It, What Do You Call Eating It?

, , , , , , | | Friendly | July 17, 2019

(I am ten years old. My mother sent me into the shop to pick up milk. After getting the milk, I notice that only one till is open. The woman in front of me has one yogurt on the conveyor. I put down a divider and my milk. At no point do I touch the SINGLE yogurt that this woman has on the conveyor.)

Woman: “Excuse me, did you just molest my yogurt?”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Woman: “You moved my yogurt!”

Me: “Okay… Sorry. I didn’t but…”

Woman: “It’s not okay! You molested my yogurt!”

Me: “I didn’t. I just want to buy this milk. My mum’s waiting.”

Woman: “You can’t just do that! You can’t just touch other people’s yogurt!”

(Another cashier opened a till, and thankfully I was able to buy my milk and escape unscathed.)

Customers, Help Yourselves

, , , , | | Working | July 17, 2019

(My mom has been on hold with our cable company, trying to figure out why they have started charging her over 30% more. Apparently, we’ve been paying for premium channels, which we never asked for or use. She has been put on hold again when this happens.)

Mom: *on hold* “Why are they charging me for stuff I don’t want?!”

Woman: *on the other line, picks up* “Hello?”

Mom: “Hello.”

Woman: “I’m trying to find out why my [Channel] isn’t working?”

Mom: “Um, I’m actually a customer, too.”

Woman: “What? How did that happen?”

Mom: “I don’t know. I’m trying to get my bill reduced and they put me on hold again.”

Woman: *laughs*

(My mom ended up having some laughs with another random customer about how weird and screwed up cable companies are. And we’re still trying to get our bill reduced.)

I Don’t Love You, Man

, , , , | | Romantic | July 17, 2019

(I meet this guy who is my customer at work. He seems normal, and we exchange numbers and agree to go on a date to the movies. We agree to meet at the theater to watch “I Love You, Man.” I get there first and I feel butterflies since I’ve never actually been on a date before, due to working a lot. I have a bad feeling, but I figure it is time to try it since I am already 25. The movie begins, and he doesn’t show. I call him and he picks up.)

Me: “Hey, where are you? The movie’s about to start!”

Guy: “Oh, yeah, sorry, but I can’t make it today.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “What?”

Guy: “Oh, yeah, I’m so sorry. I forgot that I don’t have a car.”

Me: “Um… How did you expect to get here, then? A taxi?”

Guy: “Yeah, I don’t have any money for that! I didn’t think that far ahead. I’m so dumb. Listen, do you think you can pick me up? I’m at the bus stop.”

(I decline and hang up. My intuition tells me to just ignore him, so I do and watch the movie by myself. After it’s done, he calls again.)

Guy: “Look, I’m so sorry again for not being able to come.”

Me: “Yeah, I had to watch the movie by myself, you know!”

Guy: “I said I’m so sorry. Can I call you later?”

(I agreed and hung up. Later, he came to my work and asked if he could have another date. I said no. Then, he started asking bizarre questions, like if I thought he was hot, and if I wanted to spend the weekend in a hotel on the beach with him. Keep in mind, we still didn’t have a date! I said no, and he asked if I had any hot friends to hook him up with. By now, all my coworkers were staring wide-eyed and he finally left… bursting into maniacal laughter as he went. I don’t think I’ll date again for a while.)

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