Toilet Humor Differs From Nation To Nation

, , , | Working | November 8, 2017

(We have just moved from the USA to Qatar. During one of our first visits to the grocery store, we try to purchase the basics for our house and do not know many of the brands being sold. My husband is in the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide what brand to buy.)

Clerk: “Can I help you?”

Husband: “I’m just trying to decide what is the best kind of toilet paper to buy. We just moved here, so I don’t know the brands.”

Clerk: “The one you are holding is good.”

Husband: “Have you used this one? What brand do you prefer?”

Clerk: “I don’t use toilet paper.”

(He was quite serious that he didn’t use toilet paper. Cultural differences…)

Messy In More Ways Than One

, , , , , | Romantic | November 8, 2017

(I have a sore throat and just started my period. My boyfriend is off to the store to get me some supplies. I ask him to bring some honey for my sore throat, but he doesn’t write that on his list so I half-assume he will forget, as he tends to be quite forgetful. I hear him come home so I go downstairs to the kitchen, and see he has brought the honey.)

Me: “Oh, fantastic, you remembered!”

(Due to hormones, my gratitude is unbelievable and I start to tear up. My boyfriend then proceeds to conjure a HUGE chocolate bar from the grocery bag, holds it to my crotch and yells:)

Boyfriend: “SATAN HAS BEEN FED!”

(The humor and overwhelming gratitude, amplified by my period, get the best of me, and I start sobbing hysterically and smothering my boyfriend in the tightest hug.)

Me: *sobbing like crazy* “TH…TH…TH… THANK YOU!”

Boyfriend: *is genuinely TERRIFIED and stutters* “Wha… what did I do? Wrong flavor?”

Me: *still sobbing* “I LOVE YOU!”

(He carefully tried to pry himself free of my smothering embrace, seriously concerned about what was wrong with me. I finally calmed down and blamed it on the hormones. Now, every time the topic of periods comes up, he mentions this story again and how scared and confused he was. “Don’t ever do that again!” he begs me.)

I’ll Take Combo B

, , , | Right | November 8, 2017

(I am working the lunch shift at the drive through when a woman comes to the speaker.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Restaurant]. What can we make for you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I would like a number five combo.”

Me: “Would you like that small, medium, or large?”

Customer: “I would also like a [soda] with that.”

Me: “Absolutely. And would you like the small, medium, or large?”

(I kid you not, this woman starts SCREAMING. And I don’t mean yelling, I’m talking about piercing screams, as if she is being murdered or something. I take off my headset and stand there in shock for a minute, having no clue what I did to cause her to react like that. My manager, who is wearing another headset, comes up to me.)

Manager: “What the h*** was that?”

(I shrug, and get back to taking orders. I assume that the customer has driven off or something, but a couple minutes later she comes up to the window.)

Customer: “Oh, my goodness! I am so sorry! A bee flew into my car and scared me to death.”

Littered Thoughts All Over The Place

, , , | Right | November 7, 2017

Customer: “Excuse me? This is a bit embarrassing, but could I exchange this?” *points at a bag of cat litter* ” I really just bought it; it’s totally fine.”

Employee: “Um, well… I don’t think it’s an issue. Did you need another brand?”

Customer: “Yes! It’s for my baby, actually.”

Employee: “I’m sorry. Did you–“

Customer: “Oh, Lord, no! Sorry, I’m so sorry! I need diapers. See, there is a thing called pregnancy dementia, and obviously, it’s got me. I needed something for the poo and got mixed up. I know I should make a list, but I forgot the list and this is so… Sorry!”

Employee: “No, no, that’s okay. I’ll just return this, and it’s fine, really.”

(She thanks the poor girl profusely and pulls out her phone, which features a cat as screen saver.)

Customer: “S***! Hold on! We have a cat! Of course! I needed the litter and diapers!”

(She was handed the bag of litter and left, excusing herself over and over. Diapers? Nowhere to be seen.)

Highway To Heaven

, , , | Right | November 7, 2017

(I work at the customer service desk answering phones, giving directions, etc. I see a customer taking one of my manager’s business cards.)

Me: “Hi, is there something I can help you with? I noticed you taking a card, and wanted to make sure everything’s all right.”

Customer: “No, no, I just wanted to take one of the cards. I picked this one because it has the number written in.”

Me: “All right. That’s the card for our leasing representative, just so you know.”

Customer: “Oh, I won’t call it or anything. I just like to have it. Thank you. What’s your name?”

Me: “It’s [My Name].”

Customer: “Oh, that’s a beautiful name. You remind me of a beautiful girl named [My Name] who went to [University].”

(I smile, figuring it to be a compliment.)

Customer: “Her boyfriend broke up with her one night over the phone. She went out and got drunk and got on the highway going the wrong way and died.”

Me: *smile frozen on my face now* “Wow, that’s… awful.”

Customer: “Have a good day!”

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