Wendy Wouldn’t Approve

, , , , , | Right | January 12, 2018

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Fast Food Place]! What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “No, thanks.”

Me: *pause* “What?”

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No Smooth Ways To Get Out Of The Exam

, , , , , , , | Learning | January 12, 2018

(I work in a local school, not as a teacher, but my position means I’m regularly helping out students in classes across multiple subjects and grade levels. I am a man. This happens one day in a grade-nine math class.)

Me: *walking past [Female Student #1], noticing she is falling a bit behind the average question students are up to* “[Female Student #1], do you know what to do?”

Female Student #1: “What? Oh, yeah, sure. Um, sir, can I ask you something?”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Female Student #1: *pushing one of her legs out from under her desk into the walk-space* “Feel my leg.”

Me: *absolutely taken aback* ” Um… No. Why?”

Female Student #1: *actually sounding a little annoyed* “Sir, just touch it. It’s smooth.”

Me: “I’m not going to do that. How about we get back to doing question—”

(Interrupting:)

Female Student #1: “Touch my leg!”

(At this point the students classmate chimes in.)

Female Student #2: “Just feel her leg, sir. I did; it’s really smooth.”

(This has officially reached “too weird” levels.)

Me: “I believe you.”

(I just walk away to another table of students. To my amazement, I hear [Female Student #1] talking to the class teacher.)

Female Student #1: “…and is refusing to touch it. Come on, miss! You do it!”

Teacher: *giving me a “WTF is going on?” look* “Yes, it’s smooth, [Female Student #1]. Can you do your math now?”

Female Student #1: “Can you tell my Mr. [My Name] to do it, too?”

(At this point the teacher and I lost it in fits of laughter. The ridiculousness of the situation was just too much. After class we found out the student had had her legs waxed for the first time and wanted to show it off. We could not get her to understand why it was inappropriate for her to ask a grown man to feel how smooth her thighs were. Ah, the innocence of the young.)

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Not Getting Your Just Desserts

, , , , | Working | January 11, 2018

(I am having a bad day and decide to get some ice cream to help cheer me up. My roommate goes with me to a restaurant near us. They have a brownie sundae on the menu that I’ve been meaning to try.)

Waitress: “What can I get you?”

Roommate: “I’ll have the cheese fries.”

Me: “And I’d like the brownie sundae, please.”

Waitress: “Sure thing!”

(She leaves and comes back a few minutes later.)

Waitress: “So, um, you wanted ice cream on your sundae, right?”

Me: “Yes?”

Waitress: “My boss just told me it doesn’t come with ice cream, but you can add it for a dollar.”

Me: “What does it come with?”

Waitress: “Just, like, chocolate sauce and whipped cream. I can push for us to give it to you, and argue that it’s misrepresented on the menu.”

Me: “No… I guess I’ll just have it without.”

Waitress: “Okay. Your food should be right up.”

(She brings our food and sets down a slab of cold brownie with the saddest, deflated dollop of whipped cream on it.)

Waitress: “We’re, um, not really known for our desserts.”

(The cheese fries were still great, as usual, and of course, we tipped her, but I won’t be ordering dessert from them any time soon!)

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Your Complaint Is Toothless

, , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

Customer: “I need to speak with a manager.”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I just came and got a pepperoni and cheese pizza, and I could not eat it; I could not chew it.”

Me: “Oh, I am sorry about that. Was it too hard or burnt?”

Customer: “No, ma’am, it was cooked fine, I just don’t have any teeth and could not chew it. What are you going to do about it to fix it?”

Me: “Umm…”

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Lesbians Versus The Devil

, , , , , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

(My husband and I work at a religious supply shop that caters to multiple faiths. Because of this, we often get phone calls that would be considered strange anywhere else.)

Me: *answering phone* “[Store], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Would you pray with me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s not something I feel comfortable doing. There are so many different faiths and practices, and, in my opinion, prayer is best when personal.”

Customer: “I’m a Satanist.”

Me: “That doesn’t matter to me, sir. I have no problem with Satanists, but am not one myself.”

(Just then the other phone line rings.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir; I have another call coming in. Can you please hold?”

(He says yes, and I end up transferring him to my husband. The caller on the other line has a quick question about whether we have an item in stock, so I get to hear my husband’s side of the conversation.)

Husband: “I’m sorry, what were you looking for?!” *pause* “We don’t carry anything like that here.” *pause* “Oh, you want to pray that you’ll find it?” *pause* “Okay, sir, good luck on your search.” *hangs up phone*

Me: “What was that all about?”

Husband: “He’s going to [Nearby City]’s flea market tomorrow, and he was hoping to find ‘big booty lesbian DVDs.’”

Me: “Wait, so he called us to ask if we would be willing to pray for him to find lots of porn at the flea market?!”

Husband: “Big booty lesbian porn!”

Me: “We get the best calls!”

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