Seeing Red Can Make One Roll Up One’s Sleeves

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2018

(A huffy-looking woman comes in with her teenage daughter.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Woman: “My daughter needs a flapper dress for a ’20s dance her school is doing.”

Me: “Okay, great. I’ll pull a few options for you to look at.”

(I pull several styles of flapper dresses for the girl to try on. The woman stops her daughter before she gets the chance.)

Woman: “These are all sleeveless.”

Me: “Well, yes. Most flapper dresses did not have sleeves. If you’re not comfortable with that, I’d be happy to pull some more casual ’20s dresses. They were worn far more often than the flapper ones, and we have some darling ones that would look perfect in a dance.”

Woman: “No. It has to be one of these kind; it just has to have sleeves.”

Me: “The only dress we have in this style with sleeves is unavailable to rent, currently. If you would like, we can add a cardigan, jacket, or shawl to one of these dresses to add some coverage.”

Woman: “No. That would ruin the effect. It has to be one of these dresses but with sleeves.”

(The woman argues with me for a while longer before I go to my manager. She gives me the go-ahead to show her our only sleeved flapper dress. I thought it would be exactly what they were looking for, as the daughter had been drawn to the style it was in: a red fully-fringed dress. Relieved and thinking I have the answer, I take it to them. The woman’s eyes widen with shock when I show the dress to her. Fuming, she takes her daughter by the arm and tells her they’re leaving.)

Me: “I’m sorry. Is something wrong?”

Woman: “There are some colors we don’t wear in this family. Red is definitely one of them!”

(She dragged her daughter out, glaring at me all the way out the door.)

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Clutch This Present Close To Your Breast

, , , , , , | Related | January 15, 2018

(My wife and I are both women. One Christmas, my mother-in-law gives us new pillows for our couch. She made the covers herself. They’re African print, with bare-breasted women.)

Mother-In-Law: “Your grandma told me to do something with this fabric specifically for you.”

Me: *later, when we’re alone* “How much should we read into this fabric choice?”

Wife: “I’m… honestly not sure.”

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Crochet Away

, , , , , | Romantic | January 14, 2018

(I come up to the checkout with a few bundles of yarn and a crochet needle.)

Cashier: “Ooh, you crochet?”

Me: “Not really. My mum made a lot of my clothes as a toddler. I thought I’d challenge myself and see how hard it is.”

Cashier: “That’s nice.”

(She scans my items.)

Cashier: “So, my brother’s single, and he’s looking for a boyfriend.”

Me: *not really paying attention* “Is he?”

Cashier: “So…?”

Me: “Card, please.”

Cashier: “No, silly! My brother.”

Me: “What about him?”

Cashier: “Are you interested?”

Me: “Not really. I have a wife and kids.”

Cashier: “You aren’t a very convincing straight man, coming in here and buying your pretty things! I clocked the man-obsession the second you walked in.”

(I start walking to the exit.)

Cashier: *practically screaming* “Wait, don’t you want your things?”

Me: “I’ll look elsewhere, thanks.”

Cashier: “COME BACK ANYTIME! AND LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU COME OUT. MY BROTHER WILL STILL BE SINGLE!”

(I looked elsewhere, and in the end managed to make a decent looking beanie. My wife immediately stole it. I didn’t even get the chance to try it on.)

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Good Thing You Didn’t Tell Them It Had A Virus

, , , , , , | Right | January 13, 2018

(I am working a slow shift at a tech repair shop in my hometown, when an angry woman marches in with a laptop.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. How can I h—”

Customer: “Listen to me, kid!” *she opens the laptop to reveal a blackened screen with a good portion of it burned completely* “I’ve had this computer for a year, and nothing’s gone wrong. Today, the screen went blue and it wouldn’t let me keep shopping! My son said it was frozen, so I tried to thaw it out, but it just got f***** up! Fix it, d*** it!”

Me: “Ma’am… Did… Did you put an open flame on the screen?”

Customer: “Well, duh! I put it on the stove to thaw it out faster. What do you think, I’m stupid or something?”

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Exisssstential Crisisssss

, , , , , , | Related | January 13, 2018

(My family and I are going for a bike ride in the forest when I see a dead snake on the path. We all stop to look at it and are expressing our sympathy [“Aw, poor thing,” etc.] when my youngest sister, probably about three years old, suddenly comes out with this gem:)

Sister: “So, snakes do exist!”

(We all cracked up and tried to figure out where that came from. She had seen snakes in the zoo before, so we still have no idea why she would say that.)

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