Sinfully Delicious, Part 5

, , , , , | Friendly | September 16, 2017

(I am the cub scout leader for a group of awesome, if rambunctious, third graders. One of the requirements is that they discuss with their parents what their “Duty to God” is. They have to come up with a list of ways they can practice their beliefs, whatever those are. I am going around the room, asking what they came up with.)

Scout #1: “I put down going to Temple on high holy days.”

Me: “Excellent example!”

Scout #2: “I want to make my first communion.”

Me: “That’s another good example.”

Scout #2: “…so I can EAT GOD!”

Confidence Is Cute

, , , , | Friendly | September 15, 2017

(I’ve recently moved to New York City for graduate school. I previously lived in a small town in New England, so, as you would imagine, I’m undergoing some culture shock. I have about two hours to kill between classes, so I decide to head for the library. As I reach the library, a very large, burly man walks down the sidewalk behind me, singing “Come On, Eileen” loudly. He stops in front of me and stops singing.)

Man: “Do you think I’m cute?”

Me: “Uh…”

Man: “What would you rate me on a scale of 1 to 10?”

Me: “Of cuteness?”

Man: “Yes!”

Me: “Um… eight?”

Man: “Eight? That’s good. You know, I always rate myself an eight.”

(At this, he wandered back down the sidewalk, while I walked into the library. I wish I had his self-confidence!)

Whipping Up The Fort

, , , , | Working | September 14, 2017

(It is the night before Thanksgiving.)

Manager: *over intercom* “[Bagger #1] to the dairy.”

Bagger #2: “Calling him to fill the dairy? The whipping cream is low. I’ll fill the whipping cream.”

Manager: “Hey, [Bagger #1], can you fill the dairy again? It’s getting low.”

Bagger #2: “I’ll fill the whipping cream!”

Manager: “You really like doing that, huh?”

Bagger #2: “IT’S LIKE BUILDING A LITTLE CASTLE!”

 

Sprinting On A Knife-Edge

, , , , , , | Related | September 14, 2017

(I am walking home with my sister and one of our cousins. It’s just beginning to get dark and we are a bit wary as we pass by a rough looking guy.)

Cousin: *whispering* “Oh s***, that guy just showed me a knife and grinned at me!”

(We all start walking faster, and we notice that he’s crossed the street but is keeping pace just a short distance from us. The corner of our street has a high fence that would block us from his view.)

Sister: “As soon as we turn into our street, we are all going to run for it, okay? Don’t look back; just run.”

(I have always been known for not being a very fast runner. People use the expression, “She couldn’t run if her life depended on it,” about me. My sister and cousin have both won running races at school; I always come in last. We get to our street and we all take off running. I get to the front door, unlock it, and we all end up piling into the house.)

Cousin: “What the h*** was that, [My Name]?”

Me: “What the h*** was what?”

Cousin: “[Sister] told me you couldn’t run!”

Me: “I can’t!”

Cousin: “[Sister] and I couldn’t catch you; I’ve never seen someone run so fast in my life!”

Sister: “Yeah, why don’t you ever run that fast at school?”

Me: “They don’t usually chase me down the track at school with a knife.”

Why Do Any Of Us Say Anything?

, , , , | Working | September 14, 2017

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $5.50, please.”

Customer #1: *handing me a $5* “That’s it. I don’t have the fifty cents.”

(She clearly expects me to be okay with not getting the change. Having never encountered this situation before, I freeze for a moment as my mind tries to come up with a coherent response.)

Customer #1: *suddenly looking embarrassed* “Wait a minute! Why did I say that!? Here!”

(She hands me a $1 bill, and we both laugh as I give her change back, and we wish each other a good day as she leaves. I ring up the next customer, who also pays in cash.)

Me: *handing him his change* “If you’ll sign right here please… Wait, why did I say that!?”

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