Steamrolling Past Any Logical Explanation

, , , , , | Right | January 8, 2018

(While working at a popular book and music retailer, I meet a customer who is looking for a particular Christmas CD.)

Customer: “Do you have the latest Manchester Stovepipe CD?”

Me:Manchester Stovepipe?”

Customer: “Yeah, they’re like a modern orchestral group.”

Me: “Do you mean Mannheim Steamroller?”

Customer: “Yeah! That’s it… but how’d you figure out Mannheim Steamroller from Manchester Stovepipe?”

Me: “I want to know how you got to Manchester Stovepipe from Mannheim Steamroller!”

Customer: “Good question.”

Me: “Right this way.”

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Installing Joint Operating Systems

, , , , , | Right | January 5, 2018

(I work all over the state installing windows. I’m talking to my coworker as I am approaching a customer’s house.)

Coworker: “On the porch there’s a half-smoked joint. I ain’t kidding.”

Me: “No, these people are way too uptight for sure to smoke pot; maybe the house we did yesterday, but not this one.”

(I walk into the house to inform the homeowner that we are about to start working in this room and the homeowner has a giant blunt in his hand with at least three grams of pot on the table.)

Me: “Um, sir, we are about to start working in this room. You may want to leave.”

Homeowner: “Haha, nah, I’m good. *takes hit off of blunt* “Reeeeaaallllyyyyy gooooooood.” *falls out of chair and laughs for a good twenty minutes on the floor*

Coworker: *to me* “Told you.”

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This Customer Raised A Whole Bunch Of Burgundy Flags

, , , | Right | January 4, 2018

(My mom works at a party store, and usually has some sort of story to tell when she gets home from work. This particular instance occurred during graduation season. A woman from a private middle school in the area called in an order of white and burgundy balloons to be picked up the next day, but when her order was brought out to her…)

Woman: *gasps in horror* “That’s not burgundy!”

Mom: “Yes, it is.”

Woman: “No, it’s not! Those balloons are red!”

Mom: *grabs a nearby red balloon* “No, ma’am, this is red. I can assure you those are burgundy.”

Woman: *distraught* “Oh, I’ve got to call someone about this.”

(She proceeds to pull out her cell phone while still in line at the balloon counter and call someone, saying things like “I don’t know; the woman says they’re burgundy, but they look too red!” and “They just look red to me! It’ll be a disaster!” Whoever she called eventually convinced her to pay for the balloons and go, after about five minutes, and as she walks away with them, my mom hears her say:)

Woman: “Well… maybe they don’t look as bad as I thought after all.”

(My mom and the other balloon counter clerk just glanced at each other, sighed, and continued working.)

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The Walking Playing Dead

, , , , , , | Working | January 4, 2018

(We have earpiece walkie-talkies to communicate through the store. One day, all staff are treated to the following:)

Employee #1: “This is stockroom number two. We need maintenance immediately to… OH, MY GOD!”

(There is a loud series of bangs, screams, and crashing noises.)

Me: “Stockroom! What the h*** is going on?!”

Employee #2: “There’s… Jesus! Run, man, run!”

(There was another series of crashes and screams, and a moment later I looked out the window to see [Employee #1] running at top speed across the parking lot away from the mall. I got to the stockroom at the same time as maintenance and security, and we burst in to find boxes knocked over, water on the floor, chairs upended, and our staff missing. For a moment it was like seeing the aftermath of a horror movie. Then, we spotted the culprit: a rather angry possum who had gotten trapped in the room overnight and surprised the stockroom staff when they moved a pile of boxes. A call to animal control later, things were back to normal, but I still tease the staff that I was pretty sure I’d find zombies in the stockroom, based on their reactions.)

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Watching Too Much Pirates Of The Caribbean

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 4, 2018

I am polishing glasses behind the counter at the wine cellar where I work. Sitting in front of the counter, a couple ladies and their men discuss ghosts, which both men seem skeptical about.

At some point, pirates are brought up and both men discuss pirates with great interest.

Suddenly one lady says to her man, “Wait, you’re telling me that you don’t believe in ghosts, but you believe in pirates?”

She laughs, clearly thinking this is ironic somehow. The two men glance at each other and chuckle along with her, and her fellow lady just quietly sips some wine.

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