Someone Needs To Have An Urgent Conversation With Rufus

, , , , | Right | May 29, 2018

(A little girl around seven or eight years old comes into our store. She has a pastel pink unicorn plushie, identical to one we carry. She’s holding it and stroking it like a Bond villain with a cat. The display with these plushies is near the front door, and she walks straight to it.)

Girl: *normal little-girl voice* “Look, Rufus, it’s your cousins. Say hi!” *deep, gravelly voice* “Rufus cares not for these peasants. They shall burn with the other heretics. Away, vassal, to the candy aisle, where we shall feast upon the blood of the sugar cane plant!” *normal little-girl voice* “As you wish, Rufus.”

(She skips away cheerfully.)

Me: “…?”

1 Thumbs

Those Poor, Poor, Dolphins

, , , | | Healthy | May 28, 2018

(It’s my second day working for a pharmacy at a local grocery store. We have a display near the register that has animal-themed thermometers like dolphins, seals, whales, etc. A woman walks up and picks up a dolphin thermometer, looking at it for a good minute or so.)

Me: “Hi, did you need help with anything?”

Woman: “Yeah, are these for rectal use?”

Some Odd Baggage

, , , , , | | Right | May 28, 2018

Me: “Okay, that’s £24.97. Would you like a bag?”

Customer: “A bag?” *looks wary* “What for?”

Me: “Um… For your shopping?”

Customer: “Oh. Oh, no, I wouldn’t.”

Me: “Right.”

A Flood Of Bizarre

, , , , | Right | May 28, 2018

I am a volunteer working in a shelter that was set up for residents flooded out of their homes after a storm. The waters are receding and the authorities have announced that it is safe for everyone to go back to their houses. An announcement was made in the shelter on Saturday night and signs posted stating that the shelter will close on Tuesday morning.

An elderly woman and her middle-aged daughter have been staying with us since the first night of the floods. They are quiet, very polite, and well-dressed, and they are driving an expensive car. The daughter is employed at a local hospital and we wonder why they have not gone to a hotel. Nobody likes sleeping on cots in a church basement with a bunch of strangers, and it’s unusual for people who have funds to come to the shelter.

On Tuesday morning all the other residents have left but the two women. When the day shift arrives at eight am, these two are washed, dressed, packed, and sitting on folding chairs in the sleeping area. The daughter asks what time does the shelter closes. I tell them we will be officially closing at 9:30.

Note that the workers aren’t allowed to start cleaning up until all the clients have left. The women stay until 9:30 exactly, then pick up their bags and leave.

The mother says, “I guess you want to get rid of us!”

You Can’t Handle The Naked Truth

, , , , , | | Friendly | May 26, 2018

(Our friends [Friend #1] and [Friend #2] are a bit weird, not to mention forgetful.)

Friend #1: “Hey, do you guys want to come over Saturday afternoon and have a barbecue with [Friend #2] and me?”

Us: “Sure. What time? 3:00?”

Friend #1: Sounds good. See you then.

(We arrive on Saturday at 3:00.)

Friend #1: *visibly surprised to see us* “Oh, hi! Excuse me a second.” *leaves*

Me: *to my husband* “That was odd. I have a feeling he forgot he’d invited us over.”

Husband: “Same here.”

Friend #1: “So, here’s the deal, guys: you’re welcome to stay if you really want to, but [Friend #2]’s Wiccan friends are here, and they’re going to be starting their Solstice ceremony soon.”

Me: “Uh… What’s that?”

Friend #1: “Well, it involves stripping naked and dancing around a bonfire.”

Husband: “You know what? I think we’ll get going.”

Friend #1: *relieved* “That’s probably a good idea. Thanks for stopping by!”

(I’m kind of sorry that we didn’t stay, because it would have been interesting, to say the least. But we had our toddler with us, and that would have led to some awkward questions.)

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