They Don’t Want You Or Your Money

, , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I work in a locally owned craft store. An elderly man brings a bouquet of balloons to the register.)

Customer: *hands me the price slip* “I guess you want money now, don’t you?”

Me: “Um… Yes. Just let me calculate your total.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just like a woman, isn’t it? They always want money!”

Me: *speechless*

Bomb Sniffing Dog By Day, Man’s Best Friend By Night

, , , , | Learning | November 1, 2017

(I am in eighth grade. My school has had a string of small fires, two hit lists, and several bomb threats. Not a bad neighborhood, just a**hole kids. On one such occasion, I’m staying late after school because my father is subbing for a sixth-grade teacher and I decide to ride home with him instead of taking the bus. I’m sitting in his classroom doing my homework when I feel something cold and wet press against my arm. Looking down I see, to my surprise, a huge German Shepherd sitting next to me wagging his tail. Naturally, I reach out to pet him, and then a voice shouts from the doorway:)

Officer: “Aramis! Back to work!”

(The Shepherd’s ears droop as he goes to make a round of the room, and I look up to see a police officer standing in the doorway. I glance at Aramis, then back at the officer.)

Me: *pointing at Aramis* “Bomb-sniffing dog?” *the officer nods* “Cool.”

(I go back to my homework, and Aramis finishes his search of the room. On his way back to his handler he starts to trot back towards me again. I don’t reach out this time since I know you’re not allowed to touch police dogs.)

Officer: “Aramis! Here!” *Aramis goes to the officer’s side, the officer looks at him and shakes his head* “He’s never been this easily distracted before.”

Me: “Well, I have a girl dog at home; maybe he smells her on me?”

Officer: “He’s supposed to ignore little things like that. Ah, well, at least there’s nothing here. Aramis, come.”

(Aramis and his officer head down the hall to finish their sweep and I go back to my homework. As they’re passing by the open classroom door Aramis starts to trot towards me again, tail wagging.)

Officer: “ARAMIS! Geez, man!” *Aramis reluctantly stays with his officer, who stares at him and then looks up at me* “I don’t know what’s gotten into him; he’s never been this distracted!”

Me: *unable to keep from grinning, though trying to look apologetic* “It’s an animal thing.”

(The officer shook his head, but I saw him smiling at little as he and Aramis departed. Maybe Aramis needed a day off!)

Make Your Blood Run Cold

, , , , , , , | Romantic | October 31, 2017

(My boyfriend has a German Shepherd who, while playing at the dog park, cut his paw on something. We are looking at the injury on our bed, trying to keep the dog calm.)

Me: “Here, let me take the blanket off the bed so he doesn’t stain it.”

Boyfriend: “Thanks, babe.”

Me: “No problem. I have dealt with plenty of blood in my life, and I know how hard it is to get stains out of fabric.”

Boyfriend: *looks up at me in horror*

Me: “I menstruate.”

Boyfriend: “Oh…”

We’re Not Selling What You’re Buying

, , , , , , | Right | October 30, 2017

(I work at a large and “alternative” store known for its laid back attitude and plain-clothes “uniform.” People tend to shop at this store for the prices, regardless of how they feel about alternative culture. We are trained to ask open-ended questions when approaching customers.)

Me: “Hi there! What brings you into [Store] today?”

Customer: *looking me up and down with disdain* “Does this look like a F****** CHEMIST to you?”

Me: *stuttering* “No?”

Customer: “Then, clearly, I want to buy something! F***!”

Me: *smiles and walks off*

Cats Have Nine Lives And More Names

, , , , , , | Working | October 30, 2017

(I work at an animal shelter. We have several different buildings on our site, and different rooms for the cats to be in. Our frequent volunteers know some of the longer-term resident cats really well and notice when they are adopted or pass away.)

Volunteer: “I saw that [Cat #1] was adopted!”

Me: “No, she is right here.” *points to [Cat #1]*

Volunteer: “I mean [Cat #1] out in [Room #2].”

Me: “I don’t think we have a cat by that name in [Room #2].”

Volunteer: “With the squished face? She was moved to [Other Adoption Center].”

Me: “Oh, you mean [Cat #2]?”

Volunteer: “I call her [Cat #1].”

Me: “Okay, I was unaware of that.”

Volunteer: “Or sometimes Amanda because her eyes look like Amanda Bynes.”

Me: “…”

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