Gay-itis

, , , , | Right | September 4, 2017

(I’ve just sold a pack of novelty stamps to an elderly woman.)

Woman: “Is it safe to lick these?”

Me: “You don’t need to; they’re adhesive on the back. You just need to peel it off and stick it straight on.”

Woman: “That’s good. I didn’t want to catch the gay.”

Me: “Gay?”

Woman: “From the rainbow. Everyone knows if you lick something that has a rainbow on it, you catch the gay. That’s why I stay inside when those gay floats come down my street. You don’t want anything accidentally landing in your mouth.” *leaves*

Coworker: “I wonder if she’s ever had a bag of Skittles.”

Me: “I doubt it. You definitely catch the gay from them!”

This Meal Is Crap

, , , | Working | September 1, 2017

(I’m the weird coworker in this one. I supervise a large staff. One of the librarians on staff is known for being un-gross-out-able. One day I’m snacking on unsulphured dried apricots. Without the sulphur, they don’t stay orange but turn brown like raisins, but of course much larger.)

Librarian: “What’s that you’re eating?”

Me: “Turds.”

Librarian: “That’s what I thought.”

(To my horror, I realize a new librarian is nearby and has turned around to stare at us. Luckily, she burst out laughing. When you’re the boss, you’re not supposed to say you’re eating turds in the workroom.)

Grandma Is On The Juice

, , , , , | Related | August 30, 2017

(My grandmother had a habit of saying bizarre and off-the-wall statements. When Grandpa, her husband of 40 years, passed away, she topped them all. They have a burial plot together where one coffin will be on top of the other.)

Grandmother: “I’m glad your grandpa went first… so all of his juices won’t be leaking out on me.”  

(Thanks, Grandma. I’ll never get that out of my head.)

Basic Coffee For A Basic B****

, , , , | Right | August 29, 2017

(I am assisting a customer who’s asking about one of our coffee machines. Right from the get-go this woman seems to have a serious bug up her butt about something; however, I do my best to stay professional and cheery.)

Customer: “Is this really all you have? Only six models of [Brand]?”

Me: “For the moment. All of them have been ranked very highly and remain some of our best sellers.”

Customer: “Why is this one such a low price? What’s wrong with it?”

Me: “It’s the most basic model. It doesn’t have any of the fancier settings like a grinder for beans, or attachments like the foaming jet for making cappuccino.”

Customer: “So, it’s junk, then?”

Me: “Not at all. A lot of folk quite like that model. It’s simple and easy to use. It just can’t do anything besides make plain coffee.”

(The woman turns to one of our instant coffee machines, the kind you have to put capsules in, and starts rapidly flicking the handle on the capsule container up and down.)

Customer: “This is probably annoying you like crazy, huh?”

Me: “Uh… not really. If you wish to stress test how durable that machine is at making cup after cup, say for an office setting where it’s going to be in use all day, by all means, go ahead.”

(The customer gives me a sour look.)

Customer: “But you still probably hate your job, right?”

Me: “Not in the least. My coworkers and I get along wonderfully and I enjoy getting to share my own love of gadgets with the customers.”

Customer: “Yeah, right. You’re probably secretly wishing I’d just step outside and get hit by a bus right now so you don’t have to keep dealing with me!”

Me: “Ma’am, I promise you, that is not at all true.”

Customer: “DON’T F****** LIE TO ME!”

(She actually hits the coffee machine and knocks it over while shouting, causing me to take a step back. This seems to piss her off further as she then storms off to the customer service desk. Not wanting to make the situation worse, I just put the machine back and tidy up the kitchenware section until my manager comes over.)

Manager: “So… uh, we just got a complaint about you. A lady said you were being far too helpful and cheerful for an employee, that she couldn’t believe we hired such blatantly dishonest folk, and said unless we fired you this instant she was never coming back.”

Me: “Yeah… I swear, I didn’t mean to come off that way! She… well I really don’t know what her problem was.”

(My manager looks at where we’re standing and shrugs.)

Manager: “I can only guess she really needed her coffee that badly.”

Dragonball USB

, , , | Right | August 29, 2017

(I’m opening the store when one of our local druggies approaches me.)

Him: “’Ello Darlin’, mind if I bother you while I wait for the bank to open?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, no problem. Do you need me to help you find anything?”

Him: “No, you’re not going to have a job soon, though.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Him: “DVDs are a failing market, man, everything is going to be sold on USBs. People won’t want DVDs anymore.”

Me: “But… wouldn’t I be selling the USBs then?”

Him: “…yes. But the market will fail and you won’t have a job because the economy is terrible. I don’t believe in money though, it’s just a thing made up by the government.” *spots a DVD that takes his fancy* “Oh Dragonball Z! Sick! Now that’s something, that is real man, seriously we are in the Dragonball universe right now.”

Me: *sculls coffee*

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