Wrote The Book On Bad Customer Service

, , , , , | Working | November 29, 2017

(My family and I are doing some grocery shopping. As my sisters and I are not big fans of walking around department stores, we go to the book aisle to read until our parents are done. We’ve been doing this since we were little kids and have never had a problem before. As we’re sitting there with our books, this irate-looking woman in a store uniform comes marching over to us.)

Employee: “You can’t do that here!”

Me: “What?”

Employee: “You can’t read these books!”

Younger Sister: “Well, then how are we supposed to know if they’re worth buying?”

Employee: “YOU HAVE TO BUY THEM FIRST! YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO READ THESE BOOKS!”

(We all just stare blankly at her, pulling our youngest sister a little closer to us as we’re a bit concerned by this woman. She flounces off and we go back to our books as if nothing happened.)

Younger Sister: “I won’t know if the book is worth buying if I don’t read at least a little of it.”

Youngest Sister: “Do you think she knows books are supposed to be read?”

I’m Not Trapped In Here With You…

, , , , , | Learning | November 29, 2017

(In my middle school choir class, I’m the quiet overachiever who is bullied quite frequently. I can change my mood in a split second, and can set a mood with just my voice. These girls are making fun of me for still going trick or treating; Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I love dressing up. [Mean Girl #1] decides to get the whole class’s attention just to make fun of me.)

Mean Girl #1: “So, [My Name], what are you dressing up as this year?”

(She says it in a condescending baby voice that makes the rest of the class laugh.)

Mean Girl #2: “You going as a princess? Why aren’t you wearing your costume?”

(I receive more laughs from other students.)

Me: “I am.”

Mean Girl #1: “I don’t see it, princess.”

(I get this dead look on my face, relaxing all the muscles in my face except for my eyes, which I make wide on cue.)

Me: *quoting Wednesday Addams from “The Addams Family” in my spot-on impression* “This is my costume. I’m a homicidal serial killer; they look just like everybody else.”

(The room is silent; you could hear a pin drop. I go back to my work, putting on my happiest face as I scratch away markings on my music with my pencil. Everyone in the class is still staring at me.)

Mean Girl #1: “Are you serious?”

Me: “I’m always in costume.”

Renting That Basement In Two

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 28, 2017

(A former friend and roommate of mine has weird logic. She lies about events that took place, and completely alters what actually happened. This is what happens one of the last times I speak with her. We aren’t living with each other anymore when this takes place:)

Friend: *beaming with excitement* “[Boyfriend] and I are going to be living with each other this year.”

Me: “Awesome! Makes sense, since he practically moved in with us last year when you started dating.”

Friend: “Yeah, and we found a place super close to where you live. We’re going to be almost neighbours.”

Me: “Awesome! Where?”

Friend: “This fixer upper on [Street]. The rent in that area can go up to $500 a month, but we only have to pay $300 a month since they are undergoing renovations.”

Me: “That’s a bargain! Do you two have the place to yourself?”

Friend: “No, we will have to share it with three other roommates. However, we have the basement area, so we kind of have our own place.”

(This is when I start to get somewhat suspicious, because the houses on the street she listed usually only house up to four people. I’ve lived in that area, and landlords are very strict about that.)

Me: “So, there are going to be five of you under one roof?”

Friend: “Yup. It might be a bit cramped, but we all work and have school, so I don’t think it’ll be too big a deal.”

Me: “That’s cool that you found a place that was willing to have more than four people. I guess they want all the money they can get for the renovation, and $600 is better than none.”

Friend: “Oh, no; it’s $300.”

Me: “Oh, I meant your rent combined with [Boyfriend]’s.”

Friend: “Oh, no. We’re only paying $300 for both of us.”

Me: “Woah, really? How did you manage that?”

Friend: “Well… Here is the thing. Technically, the landlords only know that I’m living there. I went through everything to secure the room, so the lease is in my name only. [Boyfriend] and I are going to split the rent they gave to me, and he and I get to live somewhere at an amazing discount.”

(She says this whole story with such glee, as if it is the best plan ever. I can only look at her in shock.)

Me: “Um, do your other roommates know about it?”

Friend: “No, I haven’t met them yet. Why?”

Me: “How do you know they will be okay with that?”

Friend: “Oh, we’re not going to tell them. [Boyfriend] works and goes to school. So, when he’s gone they’ll think he’s at his place and won’t know any better. They’ll just think he sleeps over a lot.”

Me: “Not to be a Pessimistic Penny, but are you sure it’ll work out so well? I mean, you could get evicted.”

Friend: “Oh, it’ll be fine; don’t worry. People do it all the time here and never get in trouble. As long as we lay low and follow the other rules, like no smoking and no pets, the landlords will have no reason to suspect us.”

(I wanted to prod more, but just eventually gave up and tried to hope for the best for them. A month and a half after they moved in, my friend called me and told me to come over because she had a surprise. What was the surprise? The new puppy they bought. Unsurprisingly, they ended up moving out half way through the year, claiming that the landlord lied about the extent of the renovation and that the house was impossible to live in. Pretty sure they were kicked out.)

Too Many Assumptions Spoil The Broth

, , , , , , | Working | November 28, 2017

(I’m interviewing for a position as a dishwasher in a local diner, and the manager seems nice.)

Manager: “Would you like to be a cook?”

Me: “Um, no. I don’t know how to cook.”

Manager: “Who doesn’t know how to cook?”

Me: “Me.”

(He kept insisting that I be a cook, even though I told him I would rather wash dishes. He seemed very disappointed and never called me back. I found another job elsewhere. I don’t know why they would advertise for a dishwasher and need a cook. Very weird.)

Birds Of A Feather Sip Tea Together

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 28, 2017

(A pink and grey galah [cockatoo] turns up at my dad’s work site. He is obviously a pet, as he is tame and has clipped wings, so he can’t fly. He is very hungry, so he must have been lost for a while. We check everywhere we can to see if his previous owners are looking for him, and find nothing. So, we decide to keep him; we name him Wally and buy him a large cage. He has recently moulted, so my parents take him to the unusual pet vet to get his wings clipped, so he doesn’t hurt himself. When they arrive home, I ask them how it went:)

Mum: “Wally was good, even though the vets said that he was a bit naughty when they took him! But, we did meet a very strange woman. She was there with her 40-year-old galah called Lulu.”

Dad: “She was certainly what you could call a ‘crazy bird lady.’ Apparently, she had another galah at home, too. At dinner, they all sit together, with their own seats and plates. They even drink out of her cup!”

Mum: “She told us that when she eats things like yoghurt, she has a spoonful, then gives each of the birds a spoonful, too! And they’re free flying, so she’s secured half of her back garden off for them.”

(Though it seems like a weird relationship, I’m sure the galahs enjoy their life of luxury!)

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