Maybe We Could Meat In The Middle?

, , , | Right | August 6, 2018

(I work for a bookstore, and for the holiday season we do a book drive where customers can buy a book and we will send it to the organization we are working with. This year it is our local Ronald McDonald house charities. The conversation starts as most, and we come to the part where I ask for the donation:)

Me: “Would you like to buy a children’s book for a donation to the Ronald McDonald house, for kids who are in the hospital this holiday?”

Customer: “No, I’m a vegetarian.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is for kids in the hospital.”

Customer: “I already told you no; I’m a vegetarian.”

(I gave up, finished her transaction, and she left the store.)

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Catoptrophobia

, , , | Right | August 6, 2018

(I work in an optician’s office. A coworker and I are standing behind the counter when a bewildered-looking woman opens the door and, without taking a step into the office, asks:)

Customer: “Do you discriminate?”

Me: “Against what?”

Customer: *slowly, as if that would help* “Do you discriminate?”

Coworker & Me: *in unison* “Against what?”

(She looks very confused and agitated.)

Customer: “Do you give eye exams?”

Me: “We do.”

Customer: “Where are the exams given?”

(We indicate the exam lane at the back of the store.)

Customer: “Oh, I can’t come in there. Too many mirrors!”

(After she scurries off, my coworker and I look at each other.)

Me: “Looks like we do discriminate… against people with mirror phobias.”

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Same Old Tired Story

, , , , , | Healthy | August 6, 2018

(My nurse recounts this story to my father, her coworker, after I wake up from appendix surgery.)

Nurse: “I’m getting her to recovery and expecting her to be out for another few minutes when she suddenly sits up, turns to me, and tells me in the most deadpan voice, ‘Hey, I’m going to throw up now. Sorry,’ and spews. Then she makes a face, lays back down, and falls right back asleep.”

Dad: *snorts* “Funny thing is, sleep-walking and -talking runs in our family. I do it, and my sister does it. It wouldn’t surprise me if my daughter does, too.”

Nurse: “She warned me. Maybe she just woke up for a minute.”

Dad: “She’s a teenager. She hasn’t been awake since she was twelve.”

(And that’s when I ACTUALLY woke up from the surgery and started grumbling about feeling groggy. Either way, I don’t remember puking, or telling the nurse I was going to. And to be fair to my dad, it’s ten years later, and I’m STILL always tired.)

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Cold Fury For Breakfast

, , , | Right | August 3, 2018

(A guy comes in around nine am, not drunk, but demands in a very loud voice that he wants breakfast NOW. We already have some breakfasts that have literally JUST been prepped, so I bring him one. He stands for several seconds, staring at the steaming plate of sausages, eggs, beans, and bacon, and says:)

Customer: “This is cold; I want another one.”

Me: *not willing to argue* “Okay, I’ll take this one back and bring you a different plate.”

(The guy suddenly GRABS the edge of the plate and with his other hand starts stuffing BOILING HOT food into his mouth, beans running down his shirt, etc.)

Customer: “It was cold; I want another one.”

(I stood there, unsure what to do, when my manager came to the front and in no uncertain terms told the guy to get the h*** out and never come back.)

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Not The Usual Carrot You Dangle With A Stick

, , , , , | Learning | July 31, 2018

(I’m in high school. I’m in line for lunch when I hear the two people in front of me have this conversation:)

Person #1: “You get marijuana for medical reasons, right?”

Person #2: “Yeah, why?”

Person #1: “Can you get me some?”

Person #2: “Dude, no, I can’t do that.”

Person #1: “What if I give you extra carrots?”

(You’re only allowed up to two fruit or veggie sides, but people often sneak extras.)

Person #2: *pause* “Fine.”

(I saw the first guy toss the second one a packet of baby carrots after they got their pizza. Unless that was some inside joke they had, I witnessed someone trade marijuana for a few overripe baby carrots.)

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