This Aunt Gets Around

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 20, 2018

(I work in a church. During busy times, we often take on extra shifts as hosts. That means we sometimes meet people who work completely different schedules.)

Guest Host: “Did I hear you were a missionary in California?”

Me: “Yes, in the San Fernando area.”

Guest Host: “Oh, which cities?”

Me: “Van Nuys, Sylmar, San Fernando, Palmdale…”

Guest Host: “I used to spend summers in Palmdale, working for relatives! Do you know [Man]?”

Me: “I don’t, but I was in the Spanish-speaking congregation there.”  

Guest Host: “Oh. And he speaks English.”

Me: “I have a friend from Palmdale with that last name. Is he related to [Friend]?”

Guest Host: “Yes, and I’m her aunt!”

(The next week, I mention this to another host.)

Host: “Well, I’m from California, but up by Oakland.”

Me: “Oh, my aunt lives in Piedmont, so I know that area.”

Host: “Who’s your aunt?”

Me: “[Aunt].”

Host: “She and I used to babysit each other’s children!”

(The world is sometimes extremely small.)

Need To Keep Watch On This One

, , , , , | Right | February 20, 2018

(I’m an assistant manager at a well-known retailer for young girls. It’s back-to-school time, which generally attracts some less-than-stellar customers. A woman in her 40s or 50s approaches me at the cash register, holding a watch we sell.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Is this a watch?”

Me: *confused* “Yes, ma’am, it is.”

Customer: “But is it, like, a real watch?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, it is a real watch.”

Customer: “So, it works? Like, it tells time and everything?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. It’s a watch. It tells time. Like a clock, but smaller.”

Customer: “Okay! Thank you!”

Me: *turns to an associate* “Did that just happen?”

That’s His Normal And He’s Sticking To It

, , , | Right | February 20, 2018

(I’m sitting in the library near the main desk reading a book when a 30- to 40-year-old man enters the library, walks up to the desk, and has the following interaction with a librarian.)

Patron: “Hi, I’d like to get a new library card. I think I had one, but it’s been a while since I used it.”

Librarian: “Sure. What’s your name?”

(The patron gives his name and the librarian looks him up in the system. While he’s waiting, he starts to take stickers from the basket that is set out for kids. He then begins to stick them on his face at random.)

Patron: *in a serious tone, after adding a second sticker along his jawbone* “I’m going to put some stickers on my face.”

(The librarian looks up at him, a bit surprised, but doesn’t say anything.)

Patron: “I have to cover up the bite marks” *he leans over the desk, sticking his face out for inspection* “See the marks? That’s where my dog bit me.”

Librarian: *seems a bit startled, but carries on as if this is normal* “Wow, um… That’s too bad. So, you do have an account, and you can get a new card for $5, or I can just give you the number to use the computer.”

(The patron took the number and walked off to the computers with multiple children’s stickers still stuck to his face.)

Maybe Chicken Soup Doesn’t Quite Cure Everything

, , , , , | Working | February 19, 2018

Me: “Excuse me. Could you tell me which aisle I can find chicken broth in?”

Clerk: “Yes, we’re actually pretty close. I’ll show you where.”

Me: “Okay, great. Thanks.”

Clerk: *as we walk over* “How are you doing this morning?”

Me: “Oh, I’m doing pretty good. Thank you! How are you?”

Clerk: “I’m okay, but a little worried about my friend who’s undergoing a major surgery right now.”

Me: “Oh, uh, wow. That’s scary.”

Clerk: “Yeah, it’s a double lung transplant. He’s not really expected to make it through.”

Me: “Um, that’s intense. I’m sorry to hear that.”

Clerk: “Yeah… Well, here’s the broth.”

Me: “Yeah, um, thanks! I hope your friend does okay.”

Grains For Brains

, , , , | Right | February 19, 2018

(An older lady comes into my shop, goes straight to a small bag of grains, and buys it. No questions asked, no small-talk made. She does this every week for a few weeks, until…)

Customer: “This wild bird seed is useless! The birds don’t eat it, and now it’s starting to grow in my garden!”

Me: “Sorry, miss, but that isn’t bird seed. That’s actually a bag of mixed grains.”

Customer: “Well, how was I supposed to know?”

Me: “It is under that sign that says, ‘Mixed Grains.'”

Customer: “Well, you should have known what I wanted, anyway!”

(At this point, the customer storms out of the shop. I turn to my boss and coworker.)

Me: “Did I just get shouted at for lacking telepathy?”

Coworker: “Yeah, you did. She needs help, doesn’t she?”

Boss: “Don’t mind her. She’s always doing s*** like that.”

(I don’t know how I could be responsible for this, but the customer seemed to think so!)

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