This Hold Time Is A Joke

, , , , , | Working | August 25, 2017

(On behalf of the company I work for, I call an office furniture company.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] from [Company]. Can you quote me some prices on drafting tables?”

Receptionist: “One moment while I transfer you to that department…”

On Hold Message: “You have been put on hold. Being on hold is a lot like trout fishing, in that it allows you to do absolutely nothing with a clear conscience. Enjoy!”

(Followed by soft jazz…)

Cheesecake Cheesed Off

, , , , , | Right | August 25, 2017

(I’ve just been called in for a closing shift on my day off and two shifts have passed since I was last in the building so I’m not quite up-to-date on exactly what I have left in the backroom. I’m on the sales-floor stocking yogurt when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Do you have any more of [Brand] in strawberry cheesecake?”

Me: “Hmm. Not in this load but I had two cases in the back yesterday morning. I’ll go see if they’re still there.”

(I hurry to the cooler in the backroom and check quickly for the two cases but they are gone. I return to the man and less than three minutes have passed.)

Me: “No, I’m sorry, sir. We must have sold them after I left last night.”

Customer: “All right, thanks for checking.”

(I return to stocking yogurts and find three cups of the flavor he wanted at the back of the shelf, shoved behind another flavor. He’s still nearby so I flag him down.)

Me: “Oh, sir, I found three of them at the back of the shelf!”

(Suddenly he snarls at me.)

Customer: “You little b****! You wasted my time!” *he turns on his heel and leaves without the yogurts, leaving me speechless*

Time To Shed Away That Staff Room

, , , , , | Working | August 25, 2017

(In a small town I live in, I have a shed in my garden, which I use as a sort of studio for drawing and writing. I recently notice food and supplies going missing. I assume it’s just my memory or some pranks by friends, until one day, the door opens while I’m working in there.)

Woman: “You! Who are you? What are you doing in our staff room? Are you new?”

Me: “Uh…”

Woman: “Out! Out! It’s not a break time yet! I have a phone call to make and I need my coffee. I can’t concentrate with you in here!”

Me: *losing my temper* “Hey! This is my study! Get out!”

Woman: “This is our staff room! I’m calling the police.”

(It turned out the woman was the manager of a shop that backed onto my garden, and had been using my study as an office and staff room for some time now. The rest of her staff had tried to convince her it wasn’t hers, but she wouldn’t listen. Despite everything, she kept calling the police every time I was in there, and when I fitted a lock, too. Eventually I moved out.)

Three Different Types Of Monster

, , , , | Romantic | August 24, 2017

(My husband works nights, and is often extremely tired during the day, but he sleeps very erratically, so it’s hard to plan his eating schedule. I try to help him. Today, he has requested that I wake him up around 6:30 pm so he can eat. Also important to note, he can be very difficult to wake up and has a tendency to sleep-talk.)

Me: “Honey, it’s 6:45, and you said you wanted me to wake you up so you could eat.”

Husband: *eyes half-open* “No, there’s three different types.”

Me: “Of what?”

Husband: *sitting up, starts counting off our pillows, although we only have two* “No, there’s one, two… three…”

Me: “Three of what? What are you talking about?”

(He starts pulling back each of the pillow cases to inspect each pillow, getting more confused each time he goes back and forth from one to the other. I’m trying to suppress giggles. At this point, he is fully sitting up, moving around, with his eyes totally open, and speaking clearly. All signs of being awake. I’m expecting him to snap out of his confusion at any moment.)

Husband: *saying each word as he pulls back each pillow case* “No… There’s three… different… types…”

Me: *trying not to die of laughter* “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m talking about you eating food.”

Husband: “No! They’re for the… for the monster.” *looking very concerned, and again eyeing the pillows very suspiciously*

Me: *not even trying to stop laughing* “You know what? Just go back to sleep.”

(I gave him a slight push, and he promptly collapsed backwards onto his pillow and fell right back asleep.)

That Card Might Have To Be Custom

, , , | Right | August 23, 2017

Customer: “I need a card saying ‘thank you for my new grandchild.'”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re out of stock right now.”

Customer: “Well, that’s ridiculous! I need it right now! My daughter went into labour a week ago!”

Me: “A… week ago? You mean she’s still in labour?”

Customer: “Yes! The baby’s head came out a week ago. That’s why I need a card right now.”

(I think her daughter might need a doctor at this point, not a card.)

Page 155/179First...153154155156157...Last
« Previous
Next »