The Lizard Part Of Your Brain Says “No”

, , , | Right | April 23, 2018

(I work in an electrical shop in northern England. I’m helping a pair of ladies get some things together to buy on finance. One is middle-aged; the other is in her mid-twenties. They’re both pleasant, polite people. The older customer asks if I’m local. I get asked this because my accent is not very strong.)

Me: “Yes, I’m from [Area I’m From]. I know I don’t sound local.”

Older Customer: “You went to a private school?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Which one?”

Me: “[School].”

Customer: “Oh, I know that one! I’m a teacher. A friend of mine sent his son there. He’s an Arab. His name is Ahmed.”

Me: “I can’t say I know him. It was a big school; I was there a long time ago.”

Customer: “So, is this just a temporary job for you?”

Me: “No, I’m permanent, but I’m not planning to stay forever.”

Customer: “What would you like to do?”

Me: “I’d like to be a writer.”

Customer: “Oh, lovely! Hey, what do you think about attacking Syria?”

(The UK Parliament has just voted to start bombing Syria. This seems like an odd turn in the conversation, but she’s a nice lady, if a bit odd, so I humour her. We talk for a few minutes about what’s happening in the Middle East, but I try to bring the talk back to work, when she says:)

Customer: “You know what? You should read David Icke! He predicted the war was going to happen thirty years ago.”

(The younger customer shuffles in her seat a little.)

Me: *confused* “Um, isn’t he the guy who says the world is being secretly controlled by lizards?”

Customer: “Oh, no, they’re Reptilians. From outer space. Isn’t that right?”

Younger Customer: “Reptilians.”

Me: *thinking that this is getting weird* “Um… Okay. I don’t really follow conspiracy theories.”

Customer: “It’s not a theory. I try to tell this to the kids when I’m teaching them. I’m trying to open their minds and make them think, instead of just believing what they’re told. But then the parents complain.”

Me: *trying very hard not to just say, “No s***!”* “Your total comes to—”

Customer: “Hey, add me on Facebook; I’ll tell you all about it. My name is [Customer].”

Me: “I’m going to go get someone who can put the finance application through.”

(I got up and asked one of the trainee members of staff to finish the application. It was good training for them, but I’m a bit worried my colleague ended up getting her thetans counted or something.)

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Cluttered Up With Ironies

, , , | Right | April 22, 2018

(This takes place at store that is part of a building that houses different programs to better your life. A customer has grabbed a cookie and come up to the counter with her husband to purchase it.)

Customer: “One cookie, please.”

Me: “That will be $1.65.”

Customer: “One second, the money is in my bag.”

(The customer begins to dig through her bag. She digs… and digs… and digs. She pulls out a banana and hands it to her husband.)

Customer: “That creates some more room.”

(She digs… and digs… She then moves off the counter and onto the floor, and continues to dig. After about ten minutes of digging…)

Customer: “There’s the ten dollars; here you go.”

Husband: “Good thing you’re in the de-cluttering program.”

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A Storm In A Plastic Cup

, , , , | Right | April 21, 2018

(I’m working as a traffic director at the state fair with several other people. We all have radios. I’m directing traffic along a road with a few other directors, all about a yard apart.)

Radio: “Come in, supervisor. We have a problem.”

Supervisor: “Yes, what’s the problem?”

Radio: “Um… There’s an old lady here at the tracks. She’s driving around the track and throwing plastic cups at people. She’s mad. I need backup.”

Supervisor: *stifled laughter* “I’m on my way.”

(The call ended, and my whole line was doubled over in laughter. The job was dull but calls like that made it.)

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Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

, , , , | Right | April 20, 2018

(I’m finishing up a transaction with a customer buying some chocolates.)

Customer: “Oh, I can’t wait to try these!”

(She quickly unwraps a gourmet chocolate and pops it in her mouth. She works it around for a few seconds, and then suddenly spits out the filling into her hand. She holds up the blob of mushy chocolate filling in front of my face.)

Customer: “Where can I put this?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Where can I put this?”

Me: “Um… For what purpose?”

Customer: *getting annoyed* “Where can I put this to save it for later? Don’t you have something I can put this in?”

Me: “Oh, um, okay.”

(I pull out a small plastic bag we usually save for making assortments, and hand it to her. She wipes the blob of chocolate filling off of her fingers into the bag, thanks me, and leaves.)

Me: *turning to my coworker in disbelief* “She asked, ‘Where can I put this?'”

Coworker: “How about back in your mouth, weirdo?!”

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That’s A Lot Of Yoghurt

, , , , | Working | April 19, 2018

(I am on break and enjoying a yoghurt in the break room. A colleague walks in.)

Colleague: “Ooh, that looks nice.”

Me: “It’s my favourite.”

Colleague: “Did you get any for me?”

Me: “No. It’s bring-your-own. If you wanted some, you should have asked before I got it.”

Colleague: “Don’t you think it’s a bit rude to get something only for yourself, and not for others?”

Me: “Um, it’s bring-your-own, and [Colleague], 300 people come in and out of this room each day. If I had to get them yoghurt everyday, I’d go bankrupt. Besides, I’ve never seen you bring anything in for anyone else.”

(She didn’t say anything else and left. I finished up and went back to my desk. An hour later, my floor manager came over and asked why [Colleague] came to her asking, in seriousness, that I get a raise of £29,000 a week. Now, she can barely keep a straight face whenever [Colleague] is talking to her.)

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