Confidence Is Cute

, , , , | Friendly | September 15, 2017

(I’ve recently moved to New York City for graduate school. I previously lived in a small town in New England, so, as you would imagine, I’m undergoing some culture shock. I have about two hours to kill between classes, so I decide to head for the library. As I reach the library, a very large, burly man walks down the sidewalk behind me, singing “Come On, Eileen” loudly. He stops in front of me and stops singing.)

Man: “Do you think I’m cute?”

Me: “Uh…”

Man: “What would you rate me on a scale of 1 to 10?”

Me: “Of cuteness?”

Man: “Yes!”

Me: “Um… eight?”

Man: “Eight? That’s good. You know, I always rate myself an eight.”

(At this, he wandered back down the sidewalk, while I walked into the library. I wish I had his self-confidence!)

Whipping Up The Fort

, , , , | Working | September 14, 2017

(It is the night before Thanksgiving.)

Manager: *over intercom* “[Bagger #1] to the dairy.”

Bagger #2: “Calling him to fill the dairy? The whipping cream is low. I’ll fill the whipping cream.”

Manager: “Hey, [Bagger #1], can you fill the dairy again? It’s getting low.”

Bagger #2: “I’ll fill the whipping cream!”

Manager: “You really like doing that, huh?”

Bagger #2: “IT’S LIKE BUILDING A LITTLE CASTLE!”

 

Sprinting On A Knife-Edge

, , , , , , | Related | September 14, 2017

(I am walking home with my sister and one of our cousins. It’s just beginning to get dark and we are a bit wary as we pass by a rough looking guy.)

Cousin: *whispering* “Oh s***, that guy just showed me a knife and grinned at me!”

(We all start walking faster, and we notice that he’s crossed the street but is keeping pace just a short distance from us. The corner of our street has a high fence that would block us from his view.)

Sister: “As soon as we turn into our street, we are all going to run for it, okay? Don’t look back; just run.”

(I have always been known for not being a very fast runner. People use the expression, “She couldn’t run if her life depended on it,” about me. My sister and cousin have both won running races at school; I always come in last. We get to our street and we all take off running. I get to the front door, unlock it, and we all end up piling into the house.)

Cousin: “What the h*** was that, [My Name]?”

Me: “What the h*** was what?”

Cousin: “[Sister] told me you couldn’t run!”

Me: “I can’t!”

Cousin: “[Sister] and I couldn’t catch you; I’ve never seen someone run so fast in my life!”

Sister: “Yeah, why don’t you ever run that fast at school?”

Me: “They don’t usually chase me down the track at school with a knife.”

Why Do Any Of Us Say Anything?

, , , , | Working | September 14, 2017

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $5.50, please.”

Customer #1: *handing me a $5* “That’s it. I don’t have the fifty cents.”

(She clearly expects me to be okay with not getting the change. Having never encountered this situation before, I freeze for a moment as my mind tries to come up with a coherent response.)

Customer #1: *suddenly looking embarrassed* “Wait a minute! Why did I say that!? Here!”

(She hands me a $1 bill, and we both laugh as I give her change back, and we wish each other a good day as she leaves. I ring up the next customer, who also pays in cash.)

Me: *handing him his change* “If you’ll sign right here please… Wait, why did I say that!?”

Wanted An Extra-Happy Meal

, , , , , | Right | September 13, 2017

(I work the front counter on one of the tills, with my boss fixing the ice cream machine standing a foot behind me, when a customer walks up.)

Me: “Welcome to [Store]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “A cheeseburger and fries.”

Me: “That will be [price].”

(The customer hands over the money and then says in the same volume and tone of voice used to order:)

Customer: “Want to buy some drugs?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

(The customer then found a seat in the middle of the lobby… and spread out his wares in little pill bottles. Everyone in the store was staring at this guy, as my manager, also plainly visible to everyone in the store, was on the phone with the cops and could not stop snickering under her breath. The rest of the staff and customers waiting in line now proceeded to find comfortable spots to watch as this oblivious idiot got arrested.)

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