Man: *in a terrible French accent* “Ha-ha! I am the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit!”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Man: “May the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit get these for free?”

Me: “Um… no.”

Man: “Why not? I am the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit! I should always get them for free!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give these to you for free. Two dollars.”

Man: “Why the h*** not?”

Me: “Because I could lose my job.”

(The man growls, and sluggishly hands over two dollars.)

Man: “The Butterfinger Crisp Bandit should not have to pay, but he will… this time…”

This story is part of the Cheapskate Customers roundup!

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Direct Sales]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I need a power cord for my product.”

Me: “I would be happy to place your order. I just need you to read me the three numbers from the front of the product.”

Caller: “Talk to my wife, I can’t read…”

(In the background, I overhear the following…)

Caller: “Get on the phone!”

Caller’s Wife: “You are Satan! When spiritual warfare happens, I will have more angels on my side because you are evil and no one loves you!”

(The wife then comes on the phone and very calmly gives me the number, her address, credit card info and then hangs up.)

(I had just finished giving a 45-minute tour about a certain “mysterious” spot that causes people to supposedly feel dizzy and stand at strange angles.)

Tourist: “So do the birds feel the effects of the mystery?”

Me: “Well they don’t appear to fly funny, but it’s possible.”

Tourist: “…but do they FEEL the effects?”

Me: “Well, I don’t really know because I can’t exactly ask them how they feel. They are birds.”

Tourist: “I just wanna know if they feel the effects!”

Me: “Hold on, I’ll go ask them.” *walks away*

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a churro.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve churros. For desserts, we have caramel apple empanadas or cinnamon twists if you want to try one of those.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want dessert! I want an enchilada!”

Me: “You mean an enchirito?”

(The customer pulls forward without saying anything. I ask a coworker to verify the order at the window because the guy wasn’t making sense.)

Coworker: *at the window* “You ordered a beef enchirito, correct?”

Customer: “NO! I wanted a gordita!”

(I am helping a regular customer who has wandered in — as he does daily — from the nursing home across the street.)

Old Man: “You’re working again?”

Me: “Yes, every day.”

Old Man: “You know what? Every time I see you, there’s a big smile on your face.”

Me: “What can I say? I love my job.”

Old Man: “Yes, you have a wonderful smile. You’ll make a good-looking corpse.”

Me: “…”

(He got a wide berth after that.)

This story is part of our I Love My Job roundup!

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