(Note: South County is a psychiatric institution.)

911: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, I’m sorry to bother you but I am checking into South County tomorrow. I’m afraid to go cause there is a guy who works there who wears a star and says he’s a vampire.”

911: “People are allowed to be vampires if they want to be, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh yeah? What if he tried to bite me?”

911: “Did he try to bite you?”

Caller: “No.”

911: “Give us a call back if he tries to bite you.”

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Customer: “Excuse me, where is this table made? It’s not made in China, is it?”

Me: “Yes, I do believe it’s made in China.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you would sell things from China.”

Me: “Well, we have a factory there that makes custom furnishings directly for us. I assure you they’re of the highest quality.”

Customer: “Well, I can’t shop here! This is an outrage!

Me: “I don’t see the problem…”

Customer: “The problem is that they do animal testing in China!”

Me: “Um, this is a table.”

Customer: “They still do animal testing!”

Me: “Well, I assure you no animals were harmed during the building of this table.”

Customer: *storms out*

(I had just finished a customer’s transaction, and was gathering up the change.)

Me: “All right, your change is–”

Customer: “Wait… I don’t like people touching my money… is there any way I can just take it out of the drawer myself?”

Me: “…um, no.”

Customer: “But what am I supposed to do? I don’t want you to contaminate it with germs!”

Me: “…get a debit card?”

(He leaves with his contaminated money, quite annoyed.)

(The store has a policy where if customers bring in empty printer cartridges they would receive a free ream of white paper. However, the store would only take a few brands.)

Customer: “I have these printer cartridges and I’d like to receive my free paper.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t accept this brand.”

Customer: “You can’t be serious, what else am I going to do with them?”

Coworker: “Well the sign over there states which brands we take, but we can recycle them for you.”

(The customer turns to me.)

Customer: “Is this a race thing? Is it because I’m white?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’m serious. I demand to know if this is because I’m white!”

(To start off, I’m male, as is my customer.)

Me: “Alright, one medium latte, less hot. Anything else for you today, sir?”

Customer: Don’t make it too hot! If you make it too hot, I’ll spank you, and you’re going to like it!

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’m so hungry, I going to go home and stick something in my mouth, and I don’t care what it is!”

Me: “…”

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