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This Was No Accident

, , , , , | Legal | September 9, 2020

My dad is taking me grocery shopping while my car is getting serviced. We are driving when he gets a call from a random mobile number. We both know it is a scam call, but we could do with a laugh.

Dad answers the call, and sure enough, it is your typical, “You’ve been in an accident recently and we can get you megabucks” call — though in an interesting switch-up, the guy barely lets my dad say anything.

Finally, my dad agrees to be connected to someone else.

The scammer thinks he’s on to a winner and starts his final pitch — “All we need are your bank details, sir!” — when my dad cheerfully tells him that he hasn’t actually had an accident in over forty years of driving!

The scammer’s response of, “Oh, my golly gosh! What a terrible mix-up of details!” before hanging up has us both howling with laughter!

The Brain-To-Mouth Response Time Isn’t Great, Either

, , , , , | Working | July 6, 2020

Due to a high number of courses that have to be cancelled because staff fail to show up, our training team has announced a new system where people who no-show or cancel less than forty-eight hours before the course have a cross-charge of £100 made to their team. It comes out of their yearly budget.

We use an online booking system for training — much like booking a hotel room — and most people have twigged that they just cancel or rebook from there. However, some people insist on emailing our administrator, who deals with our training site, expecting her to cancel it. The problem is there is a three-day response time, which they get told via an automatic reply, yet the following happens all too often.

Staff Member: “I emailed telling you to cancel me off the training, but you didn’t and now I’ve got this charge. Get rid of it.”

Coworker: “Sorry, but we made it known at the time we introduced the charges that you have to cancel it yourself.”

Staff Member: “I’m busy; that’s why I told you to do it. Besides, it wouldn’t let me.”

My coworker knows where this is going.

Coworker: “Was there no option to cancel?”

Staff Member: “No! So it’s your system’s fault! It never works!”

Coworker: “The reason there was no button is because you tried to cancel less than forty-eight hours before the course ran.”

Staff Member: “But I emailed you on Monday.” *It’s now Thursday* “You didn’t do it!”

Coworker: “We have a three-day response time for emails. Either way, I would have told you the same thing I am telling you now.”

Staff Member: “It’s ridiculous! I shouldn’t be charged; it wasn’t my fault your system wouldn’t let me cancel.”

My coworker just facepalms.

They usually argue, talk to one of our managers, and then end up getting the charge removed.

Be Amazed They Can Read In The First Place

, , , , | Right | March 19, 2020

(The library where I work has a separate section for books that can only be borrowed overnight. No matter what time you borrow these books, they have to be back the next weekday at 11:00 am. Therefore, a lot of people want to return the books before they leave the library. As this section closes before the rest of the building, we get a lot of people asking how they can return the books. We do have a sign explaining, but nobody ever reads it. This happens as we are closing.)

Customer: “Hi, this is Short Loan, but I need to return it.”

Manager: “Sorry, I have just closed the Short Loan area down; you can just drop it in the book box.”

Customer: “No, it is Short Loan.”

Me: “That’s fine. If you put it in the box, then it will be returned in the morning.”

(The customer looks around, confused. The book box is actually just before you get to the entrance turnstiles, and for some reason, this causes people confusion.)

Manager: “It is just here.” *points to the book box which she is standing next to* “Walk out the exit and come round.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(The customer walks as if going towards the exit, but instead opens the door into the Short Loan section and walks in.)

Me: *starts to chase him* “Excuse me, sir…”

Manager: “Leave him. [Other Manager] is in there turning stuff off and he will sort the book out.”

(A few minutes later, the customer walks back out.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir, but just so you know you should have put your box in the book box. That section is closed.”

Customer: “No, it’s open. I have just been in there. I just had to return a Short Loan book, you see.”

Me: “No, it is actually closed. In the future, you should just put your book in the book box.”

Customer: “Oh. You mean putting it in there is like returning it?”

Me: “…”

(The customer tried to walk out of the locked entrance door and had to be directed toward the exit.)

Are You A Charged Atom? Because I’ve Got My Ion You

, , , , , , | Learning | February 12, 2020

(I’m a student in an all-girls high school. One day, we get a university student who is supposed to teach us chemistry as part of his degree. After his lecture, he realises that most of us don’t understand the concept and tries to explain it better.)

Teacher: “Okay, so, the difference in covalent and dative bonding is basically this. For example, let’s say that you dated a classmate and the two of you went out for dinner. The two of you probably have the same amount of money, so you will split the cost equally. That’s covalent bonding. You get that?”

Class: “Uh-huh.”

(As he speaks, he draws a diagram of two atoms contributing one electron each to a covalent bond. He then draws another diagram where one low-electron atom receives two elections from a high-electron atom to form a dative bond.)

Teacher: “However, you could date a rich sugar daddy, instead, and he’ll pay the full cost of dinner for you. That’s dative bonding. You get that?”

(After we stopped laughing, we got the concept. He got chewed out by our regular chemistry teacher for his “inappropriate analogy,” but he certainly made our day.)

He Has No Change But Has Plenty Of Attitude

, , , , , | Friendly | February 8, 2020

(As I wait for a bus home, I notice a man going up to other people waiting and quickly moving on to the next person. I have only been at the bus stop for a few seconds when he approaches me.)

Man: “Have you got any change? I haven’t eaten in days.”

Me: “No, sorry. I haven’t got any change.”

Man: “So you don’t care. What a horrible person you are.”

(The man starts pacing back and forth, shooting me dirty looks each time he passes me and shouting abuse.)

Man: “Scumbag! Tramp! Evil! Scumbag, scumbag, scumbag!”

(Two minutes pass and, thankfully, my bus pulls up. As I hurriedly get on, the man gets right in my face for one last comment.)

Man: “I hope your bus crashes.”