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A Self-Generating And Self-Contained Customer Explosion

, , , , , , | Right | August 20, 2021

I have some back problems and my physiotherapist recommends, among other things, that I get a firmer mattress. My old mattress is still in fairly good condition and very clean, so I don’t want to just scrap it, but as I have no means to transport it anywhere, I decide to offer it for free for anybody who can collect it from my house. I use the marketplace section of a popular social media site to make the offer, and shortly afterward, I start getting responses, mostly asking questions about it and asking if I can deliver (even though in the posting I clearly state that I can’t).

As I am looking through the messages, I come across this one.

Message: “Hi. Nobody ever wants second-hand mattresses. It probably has lice and bedbugs. I can take it to the tip for you in my van; I only charge fifty pounds. Then you won’t have to have it cluttering up your house anymore. When do you want me to come and collect it?”

I find it rather funny that he’s making this offer in such a rude tone, but I am already making arrangements with somebody who wants to collect it, so I ignore his message. About fifteen minutes later, he messages me again.

Message: “I told you nobody will want this. Give me your address and I’ll come and collect it. Have the fifty pounds ready.”

Again, I ignore it. By now, I’ve made arrangements with a very polite woman who is planning to borrow a friend’s van and come to collect the mattress with her boyfriend’s assistance the next evening. I’m about to close the app when I suddenly start getting message after message from the rude man. He is sending it one or two words at a time, so the app is continuously pinging at me for a couple of minutes. All together, it says:

Message: “I told you to give me your f****** address. I need the fifty pounds tonight. This is my f****** business and you don’t mess with a man’s income. I don’t have this much trouble with my other customers. I’m going to make sure you can’t trade on this site again. Nobody is going to want your bedbugs. Give me your address or I’ll call the police!”

The rest of the messages were just insults. I shut off notifications from the app, and when I looked at it again, he had finally stopped messaging me.

I wonder if he actually had any sort of business and was having a bad day, or if he was just trying to get some cash out of me. Either way, what a stupid approach!

The polite woman and her boyfriend picked up the mattress the next day with no issues and were very pleased with it.

The Sibling Shade!

, , , , , , | Related | July 25, 2021

I overhear this at a convenience store.

Boy: “Hey, sis, can I ask you a riddle?”

The teenager beside him shrugs.

Boy: “What always goes down but never goes up?”

Sister: “Your grades.”

Boy: *Dejected* “I hate that you are correct.”

For those curious, the proper answer was “rain.”

Needs To Night-Shift Their Opinion

, , , , , , | Right | May 15, 2021

My brother and I are functionally nocturnal. We sleep at 10:00 am and wake at 4:00 pm. After a stressful night at work, the two of us find a pub and buy some drinks. As the weather is nice, we decide to sit outside while we drink.

A woman passes by with a bunch of young children. She sees us and points us out to her children.

Woman: *Pointing at us* “Disgraceful. It’s not even eight. Drinking at this hour. Kids, make sure you don’t become like them. You all must study hard and not be drunk deadbeats like them.”

Me: “Ma’am, really? You don’t want your kids to become doctors? Okay.”

Brother: “Pity. We need more surgeons on the night shift. Accidents can happen at any hour.”

Me: “Like that old man that had a stroke at 4:00 am?”

Brother: “Or that drunk driver that crashed at 2:00 am?”

Me: “Whatever. Kids, if your mom doesn’t want you to save lives, then who am I to complain?”

As we speak, we pull out our staff lanyards for the local hospital, grin, and knock our bottles together. Admittedly, we are a bit drunk by now, which is why we are being so unprofessional.

Woman: “Don’t listen to them, kids. They’re liars and drunks and a disgrace to society.” *Drags them away*

Customer Service Is Going Downhill

, , , , , , | Working | March 30, 2021

I am at University in the 1980s, living in a shared house at the top of a long hill. Although money is tight, I am just about able to afford to own and run an old car. I even manage to get enough money together to get basic car breakdown coverage.

One morning, I find my car will not start, so I call the breakdown service. After giving my membership number and current location, there is a pause, and then the telephone representative comes back to me, very apologetic.

Representative #1: “I’m sorry, sir, but it seems your car is currently located at your home address and you do not have the optional ‘home start’ coverage.”

Me: “So, how far from home do I need to be for my basic coverage to kick in?”

Representative #1: “At least a mile, sir.”

Me: “Thank you.”

I hung up, went back into the house, and rounded up my housemates, who helped me push the car onto the road and face it down the hill.

Ten minutes later, I phoned the breakdown service again.

Representative #2: “And where is your car currently located, sir?”

Me: “At the bottom of [Road], about one and a quarter miles from my home.”

The breakdown service arrived fifteen minutes later and my car was started.

This story is part of our Best Of March 2021 roundup!

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They May Take Our Time, But They Will Never Take OUR FREEDOM!

, , , , , , | Legal | March 17, 2021

I keep an old pay-as-you-go mobile phone at home which I use to maintain a social media tool and for banking, because my bank, like most, sells telephone numbers to marketing lists for profit because they’re scum. Nobody that I care for uses that number, so I know that whenever it rings, the caller is a salesperson or a scammer.

My phone rings and, out of boredom, I pick up and answer in a very frail, old person’s voice.

Me: “Helloooooo… [Fake First and Surname] speaking.”

Scammer: “Good day, Mr. [Fake Surname], this is John Smith from the Internal Revenue Service. Were you aware that you have a significant amount of unpaid taxes?”

Me: “Pardon me… Who did you want to talk to? I’m not sure that they’re here.”

Scammer: “I wanted to talk to you, Mr. [Fake Surname], about your unpaid taxes. Now, really, sir, you need to sort this out or you could go to prison! You’re in very serious trouble.”

Me: “Oh, no, no… There’s—” *shifty voice* “—no Mr. [Fake Surname] here. You must have the wrong number.”

Scammer: “Sir, you answered the phone with your name. This is childish; you are definitely you. Now, this is a serious matter and you need to address it.”

Me: *In a harsh voice* “Well, you got me, you b*****d. You found me out! Well, you’ll never take me alive! COME GET ME, YOU PIGS! COME GET ME! FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMM!”

Scammer: “Sir, sir, stop shouting at me! We’re coming to get you! You’re going to jail! This call is being recorded and will be used as evidence against you! NOW, BEHAVE AND SETTLE YOUR ACCOUNTS, OR ELSE!”


This goes on for a while until, finally, the scammer hangs up. With a raw throat, I put down the phone with a happy sigh, only to hear a wheezing noise behind me.

Wife: “What the actual f*** was that about?”

The scammer never called back. Not that it matters. I’m not allowed to answer the phone anymore.

This story is part of our Best Of March 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of March 2021 roundup story!

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