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For When Your Brain Just Goes Ker-Chunk

, , , , | Working | October 19, 2017

(I work in a small retail store, in which we have a manual “sticker gun” that we use to create price labels for merchandise. You set the price, pull a trigger, and a price label comes out. Due to the noise it makes every time you pull the trigger, my coworker and I start calling it the “ker-chunker” and the labels in it are always referred to as “doo-hickeys.” We always know exactly what we mean when one of us says to the other “hand me the ker-chunker,” but we get weird looks from customers, which is expected. My coworker calls the supply company to order more labels. She gets on the phone with the supply rep, and completely freezes.)

Coworker: “I need… some doo-hickeys. For my ker-chunker.”

Rep: *without missing a beat* “Oh. Labels for your price gun? What size?”

Coworker: *amazed* “How on earth did you do that?!”

Call-Back Attack

, , , , , | Right | October 3, 2017

(I work as a secretary for a fairly high-end salon.)

Me: “[Salon], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I think I missed a call from your number and wanted to call you back and make sure.”

Me: *hasn’t made any outgoing calls* “No, ma’am, but if you would tell me the reason for your call, perhaps I could help?”

Caller: “Oh, no! I’ll wait! You can call me back.”

Me: “But, ma’am…”

Caller: “It’s okay. You can call me back.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Okay. Goodbye.”

(I learned later that this woman made four of these calls, and all she really wanted was to reschedule her appointment, which I could have done if she had said anything.)

Irony Is Calling For You

, , , , | Right | September 22, 2017

(I’m a nurse in a medical office, and I am in the middle of treating a patient, when a cell phone begins ringing.)

Patient: “It is SO rude for you to let your phone go off while you are taking care of me! I should be your only priority, and I can’t believe they just let you play with your phone in here. I’ll just have to speak to your manager about this!”

Me: “Um, ma’am, that is your phone.”

Patient: “Oh goodness, it is.” *then answers phone and begins loud annoying conversation that keeps me from doing my job*

Transitioning Away From Toxic People

, , , , , | Friendly | September 18, 2017

(I’m at a gay bar with some friends, and we’re talking to some people we’ve never met before. I’m a trans guy.)

Girl #1: “Who do we have here? [Friend #1], [Friend #2], and…” *points to me*

Me: “[My Name].”

Girl #2: “That’s a guy’s name.”

Me: “Yeah… I’m a guy. I’m trans.”

Girl #2: “That’s stupid.”

Me: “What?”

Girl #2: “You’re not trans. You’re just gay and can’t admit it, because you’ve been raised in such a homophobic world. Just admit your love for women as a lesbian.”

Me: “Uh… I’m queer. I like people: men, women, whatever. I’m not ashamed of that.”

Girl #2: “Pfft, whatever. Call me when this trans thing is over; you’re cute.”

(My friends and I are speechless as the girl leaves. The first girl watches her leave and turns to us.)

Girl #1: “So, she’s dead to me. Shall I buy the next round?”


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Environmentally Unaware

, , , | Working | April 14, 2017

(I work in the financial section of a repairs and maintenance company, on behalf of a social housing company that offers rented accommodation to various demographics. Some of the tenants are, shall we say, ‘less respectable’ than others. One thing we do is so-called void properties, where we maintain empty houses until the next set of tenants move in. We get paid a set rate for repairs in each void property, with extra revenue if the void value is over £2000. On one of these voids, our cleaner found drug paraphernalia (heroin pots and needles) behind some kitchen units. She was removed from the property for her own safety and specialist cleaners called who do any drug removals for us. We also emailed the surveyor for our client responsible for maintaining this property, explaining to her the situation and the increased cost as a result. The surveyor in question has a habit of copying as many people into emails as she can in order to prove she’s right about things, even when she’s not. The email conversation went a little like this:)

Colleague: “Please see the attached schedule. I have upgraded the clean to a full environmental and removed the clear out as [Cleaner] came across needles and left over used cocaine bags. This has now increased the cost of the job. Please advise whether to proceed.”

Surveyor #1: “I have looked at the pictures with my colleagues and we cannot see any signs of needles or cocaine bags. I can see some tablets in sealed foil. I am not prepared to vary this schedule. There is no history with the former tenant of any such abuse.”

Colleague: “I have just spoken to [Cleaner] who has confirmed there are approx. 13 needles and heroin pots with residue in. She has been pulled from site. I can arrange for this environmental clean to be done on Friday as long as it can be agreed tomorrow.”

Surveyor #1: *here, she copies in the world and his uncle to ‘prove’ her point* “So why are the photos not showing what [Cleaner] is saying? There is no evidence of tenant substance abuse, and I am not prepared to vary this schedule.”

(At this point, one of the surveyor’s colleagues, who has just been made aware of the situation, replies to everyone.)

Surveyor #2: “Hiya, just spoke to the ex-tenant, who confirmed his ex-girlfriend is a heroin user. So it is most likely to come from her.”

(Needless to say, the job was varied correctly at this point, and the original surveyor decided to keep her mouth shut for a while…)