Transitioning Away From Toxic People

, , , , , | Friendly | September 18, 2017

(I’m at a gay bar with some friends, and we’re talking to some people we’ve never met before. I’m a trans guy.)

Girl #1: “Who do we have here? [Friend #1], [Friend #2], and…” *points to me*

Me: “[My Name].”

Girl #2: “That’s a guy’s name.”

Me: “Yeah… I’m a guy. I’m trans.”

Girl #2: “That’s stupid.”

Me: “What?”

Girl #2: “You’re not trans. You’re just gay and can’t admit it, because you’ve been raised in such a homophobic world. Just admit your love for women as a lesbian.”

Me: “Uh… I’m queer. I like people: men, women, whatever. I’m not ashamed of that.”

Girl #2: “Pfft, whatever. Call me when this trans thing is over; you’re cute.”

(My friends and I are speechless as the girl leaves. The first girl watches her leave and turns to us.)

Girl #1: “So, she’s dead to me. Shall I buy the next round?”

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Environmentally Unaware

, , , | Working | April 14, 2017

(I work in the financial section of a repairs and maintenance company, on behalf of a social housing company that offers rented accommodation to various demographics. Some of the tenants are, shall we say, ‘less respectable’ than others. One thing we do is so-called void properties, where we maintain empty houses until the next set of tenants move in. We get paid a set rate for repairs in each void property, with extra revenue if the void value is over £2000. On one of these voids, our cleaner found drug paraphernalia (heroin pots and needles) behind some kitchen units. She was removed from the property for her own safety and specialist cleaners called who do any drug removals for us. We also emailed the surveyor for our client responsible for maintaining this property, explaining to her the situation and the increased cost as a result. The surveyor in question has a habit of copying as many people into emails as she can in order to prove she’s right about things, even when she’s not. The email conversation went a little like this:)

Colleague: “Please see the attached schedule. I have upgraded the clean to a full environmental and removed the clear out as [Cleaner] came across needles and left over used cocaine bags. This has now increased the cost of the job. Please advise whether to proceed.”

Surveyor #1: “I have looked at the pictures with my colleagues and we cannot see any signs of needles or cocaine bags. I can see some tablets in sealed foil. I am not prepared to vary this schedule. There is no history with the former tenant of any such abuse.”

Colleague: “I have just spoken to [Cleaner] who has confirmed there are approx. 13 needles and heroin pots with residue in. She has been pulled from site. I can arrange for this environmental clean to be done on Friday as long as it can be agreed tomorrow.”

Surveyor #1: *here, she copies in the world and his uncle to ‘prove’ her point* “So why are the photos not showing what [Cleaner] is saying? There is no evidence of tenant substance abuse, and I am not prepared to vary this schedule.”

(At this point, one of the surveyor’s colleagues, who has just been made aware of the situation, replies to everyone.)

Surveyor #2: “Hiya, just spoke to the ex-tenant, who confirmed his ex-girlfriend is a heroin user. So it is most likely to come from her.”

(Needless to say, the job was varied correctly at this point, and the original surveyor decided to keep her mouth shut for a while…)

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Retired & Extremely Dangerous, Part 2

, , , , , , , | Right | December 2, 2013

(My dad and I have just checked out at the supermarket. There are two elderly ladies pushing shopping carts in front of us. They are walking slowly towards the exit. Another customer is walking behind them with her son, who looks about 20. The son is obviously annoyed at the fact that he cannot get past the ladies walking so slowly. He speaks loud enough so that the whole shop can hear him.)

Son: “God, these old people! Always getting in the way. They are useless. They should be locked up so they can’t get in normal people’s way.”

(The son’s mum doesn’t say anything to him, but I can see that my dad is getting angry.)

Son: “They don’t deserve pensions. Let them work until they drop! They probably retired when they were 45 and are leeching off the government.”

(My dad taps the son on the shoulder.)

Dad: “You’re making a scene and upsetting those ladies. Calm it down, would you?”

Son: “They probably can’t even hear me. They’re all deaf anyway. Coffin dodgers! Why do you care if they even hear me?”

Dad: “First, I’m 67 and have worked since I was 16 years old up until my retirement two weeks ago. Second, my parents taught me to respect my elders; something your mother obviously didn’t bother to do, considering I’m giving you the verbal battering she should be. And it’s not those women who should be locked up; it’s misinformed, loud idiots like you.”

(By now the whole supermarket has stopped and is looking over at my dad.)

Dad: “As for leeching off the government: I get a pension, the same as those ladies and thousands of other elderly people do and it’s just over the minimum wage. Sometimes I have to decide between heating my house and eating food! You wait until you get older and retire and see how it feels then to be treated like a second class citizen by obnoxious, mouthy trash!”

(Throughout this whole thing the son has looked shocked. Finally his mother speaks up.)

Mum: “You’re right, totally right. It shouldn’t take a stranger to tell my son his behaviour is terrible.” *to her son* “I am completely ashamed of you. You know nothing about hardship considering you are claiming unemployment money and living rent free in my house. Now apologise to those ladies and to this gentleman.”

(The son says sorry, grudgingly, to all three.)

Mum: “And you see all this food and those DVDs that you wanted and I paid for just now? Well, you won’t get one piece of it.”

(The mum unloads all the food into the old ladies carts and gives the DVDs and a large piece of meat to my dad.)

Mum: “I hope this goes some way to making you feel valued and appreciated.”

(They walk out and the supermarket is silent for a moment. Then one of the old ladies starts to applaud and so does the rest of the customers and staff. The next time my dad went in to get his shopping they gave him £100 worth of coupons, and now all the staff know him.)


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Parental Misguidance

, , , , | Right | December 1, 2010

(Parents often call to make sure their children are where they are supposed to be or are going to be ready when they come to pick them up.)

Me: “Computer lab, this is [My Name].”

Mother: “Hi, I am looking for my son. I think he’s up there using your computers.”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me what he looks like?”

Mother: “Well, he’s got medium skin, he’s kind of heavy, and he looks a little slow.”

This story is part of the Embarrassing Parents roundup!

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