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The Power Of Gaming

, , , , , | Friendly | May 12, 2018

(My friend has the uncanny ability to call correctly on random chance in video games. I like to joke that it’s his superpower. These are just a few examples. Playing Mario Kart 8:)

Me: “Bullet Bill, Bullet Bill, please! I need a Bullet Bill!”

Friend #1: “Nope. Banana peel.”

Friend #2: “Oh, crap, blue shell!”

Friend #1: “You’ll be fine; you’ll get a sound box.”

(He is right on both counts. Later, we’re playing a game where the characters you get are random. We’re chatting as I pull up the summon screen.)

Me: “I hope it’s [Character].”

Friend #1: “Bet you it’s this one.”

(He taps the orb before I can stop him and starts the summon. The smoke clears, and [Character] appears).

Me: “What the f***?!”

(Playing a strategy game:)

Me: *explaining my strategy* “[Character] has a 78% hit chance; this’ll kill off the boss and then I can take the castle.”

Friend #1: “She’s going to fail so badly.”

(Not only does the unit miss, the foe scores a 1% critical hit chance and kills her, forcing me to restart the level!)

Me: *laughing and pushing my friend away* “You swore to only use your powers for good!”

A Misunderstanding Is On The Cards

, , , , , , | Working | April 8, 2018

(I am in a queue for self-service checkout machines in a supermarket I visit frequently. I only have a few items and no cash, so I have my card in hand. I approach an available machine and note the sign saying it is card only. When I scan the first item:)

Machine: “This machine can only accept card payments. Do you wish to continue?”

(I press “yes” and carry on. As I am about to pay, an assistant runs over.)

Assistant: “You can’t use that one!”

Me: “It’s all right; I have my card.”

Assistant: “But it’s card only!”

Me: “I know. I want to use my card.”

Assistant: “But it’s broken.”

Me: “It is?”

Assistant: “Yes, it’s card only!”

Me: “So I… can use my card?”

Assistant: “No, the card machine is broken.”

Me: “So… it’s cash only? Or will it not accept cash or card?”

Assistant: “It’s card only.”

(At this point I give up, turn back to the machine, and pay with my card. As I am leaving, the assistant tries to stop me.)

Assistant: “You have to pay at another till! If you walk out now, you are stealing.”

(I carry on, walking over to the security guard by the door.)

Me: “Excuse me. Could you just look at my receipt before I leave? I wouldn’t want her to accuse me of stealing.”

Guard: “Oh, not again. [Assistant]! If they pay by card, it’s okay! The machine accepts card payments!”

Ruler Of The Seven Kingdoms And The Eight Slices

, , , , , , | Working | April 6, 2018

(A conversation with a coworker has led us to talk about dreams where we do things we wouldn’t in reality.)

Me: “I can’t think of any dream where I was really evil or anything. But I guess I’ve stolen a few things. There was a taxi some years ago and, more recently, a slice of pizza from a dragon.”

Boss: *overhearing* “Did you just say you stole pizza from a dragon?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Boss: *short pause* “That’s why Daenerys attacked.”

Free-Ballin’ It With The Housemates

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 16, 2018

(I live in a shared house set up with three bedrooms on each floor, each floor sharing a communal bathroom. I get on with all my housemates except one, who is generally obnoxious and seems to have very little respect for others. He eats food left in the communal fridge when it is clearly marked, plays music late at night, bangs doors early in the morning, etc. These are fairly low-level things, but rude when living in shared housing. One day after leaving the bathroom I realise I can’t find my razor. Presuming I left it in the bathroom, I ask the other people on my floor to let me know if they come across it. A few days later, I happen to pass the rude housemate on the landing as he is leaving the bathroom. In addition to his own toiletries, he has my razor in his hand.)

Me: “Oh, you found my razor. Great.”

Rude Housemate: “Yeah, it was in the bathroom and I needed some new blades, so I used it.”

Me: *standing there, with a serious beard* “You used it?”

Rude Housemate: “Yeah. You should pick up after yourself; it was left in the bathroom.”

Me: “No problem. I’ll get a new one.”

(It’s slightly evil, but I do wonder how long he shaved his face with the same razor I had shaved my balls with.)

What A Diabeetus, Part 4

, , , , | Healthy | January 26, 2018

(I am sitting at my desk behind the nurses’ station when one of our new patients approaches me.)

Patient: “Can you do me a favor and check my lab work for me?”

Me: “I sure can, sir. Let me get you pulled up, here. What did you want me to look over?”

Patient: “Can you check to see if there’s any diabetes in my blood?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patient: “Diabetes. In my blood.”

Me: “Did you mean your glucose level, sir?”

Patient: *clearly exasperated* “No, I mean if the doctor found any diabetes in my blood.”

Me: “Sir, that’s… that’s not how diabetes works.”

What A Diabeetus, Part 3
What A Diabeetus, Part 2
What A Diabeetus