Pot Calling The Kettle Anything It Wants Because It’s Not Listening

, , , , , , , | Related | May 31, 2018

(I am sorting through my possessions after returning from college, deciding which stays at home and which goes back.)

Me: “Now that I’m moving into a dorm with a nicer kitchen, maybe I should get new cooking supplies.”

Dad: *not really listening* “Sounds about right.”

Me: “Do you think I should get a little frying pan?”

Dad: *still not listening* “Maybe.”

Me: “I’ve already got a little pot.”

Dad: “Don’t advertise that around campus; you could lose your scholarship.”

(Long pause while we both parse the conversation in our brains.)

Dad: “I owe you an apology.”

They Come Out (Choco)Late At Night

, , , , , | Right | February 28, 2018

(An old man walks up to the counter at about midnight with a big bag of chocolate.)

Customer: “Had to get these for the wife.”

Me: “Oh, how sweet of you!”

Customer: “Oh, well, she just craves chocolate every time we have sex. And we just ran out, so she made me come get more!”

Me: “Oh… Uh… Okay.”

(I finish the transaction in silence.)

Me: “Have a good night!”

Customer: “I already did!”

Me: “Clearly.”

Enchilada-rama

, , , , , | Right | January 10, 2018

(I am waiting on a group of elderly people.)

Me: “Are we all decided on what we want to order?”

Customer #1: “Where’s the enchiladas on here?” *she waves the menu around*

Me: “We don’t have enchiladas.”

Customer #1:Yes, you do!

Me: “No, we have never sold enchiladas. Can I offer you something else?”

Customer #1: “Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid! Get me your manager!”

(I go and get my manager and explain the situation. He lets out a long sigh and approaches the table.)

Manager: “What’s the issue I can help you with, ma’am?”

Customer #1: “I WANT ENCHILADAS! YOUR RUDE WAITRESS LIED TO ME; I KNOW YOU HAVE THEM!”

Manager: “We don’t have enchiladas; we have never had enchiladas on our menu.”

Customer #1: “YES, YOU DO!”

Manager: “Ma’am, we sell burgers.”

Customer #1: “Stop lying!”

Customer #2: *in booth next to them* “You dumb b****, if you want Mexican food go to [Fast Food Place]. Leave these poor people alone. Not everyone should have to deal with your stupidity!”

Grandma Was Never A Goody-Two-Shoes

, , , , , , | Related | November 22, 2017

(My grandma and my grandpa have taken my little brother and me out shoe shopping. My grandma only has one leg.)

Employee: “Hi there! Can I help you?”

Grandma: “Yes, I was wondering if I could get these half off?”

Employee: “Unless you have a coupon, no.”

(My grandma then pulls her pants up revealing her prosthetic leg.)

Grandma: “It’s just that I will only use one.”

Employee: “I am sorry; you still must buy both shoes.”

(They go back and forth for a few minutes before my six-year-old brother bursts in:)

Brother: “Just buy the shoe, Grandma, or Grandpa might shove it where the sun don’t shine!”