(Note: I don’t have insurance, and one day I had to go to the emergency room. The ER bill was about $600 and every month I would call the billing office and make a phone payment; however, I am very low on money and have always only ever been able to make payments of $20 a month.)

Me: “Hello, I would like to make a payment on my account, please.”

Lady: “Okay, can I have your account details?”

(I give her my account details and she pulls up my account.)

Lady: “Hmm, you’ve been paying $20 a month on this bill every month for a year and a half.”

Me: “Yes, I know it’s a very low amount and I’m very sorry, but it’s just all I can afford.”

Lady: “I see that you’ve been on time with your payments every single month. We so infrequently get people that pay their ER bills at all! I’m just going to clear this bill from your account.”

Me: “…What? As in, you’re making it so that I don’t have to pay the rest of it!?”

Lady: “Yes, ma’am, that’s correct.”

Me: *in tears* “Thank you so much… God bless you, ma’am!”

(She really did clear the bill from my account. I never received another bill; I had no idea they could even do things like that. Lady, whoever you are, I will never ever forget your kindness!)

(A customer calls in, noticing that she hasn’t had any money taken from her account for her water heater rental for the last couple months.)

Me: “Okay, so let me look into your file. Hmm, seems you’ve not been set up on our new billing system. That’s probably the problem. Let me just grab your info from the old system to fix it. Wait, you’re not in there either.”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “I don’t think you’ve been billed for this in a while. Yeah, here’s a note from 2007 saying you hadn’t been billed since September ’06. It seems as though they just closed it without actually fixing it. You haven’t been charged for seven years.”

Customer: “Wow.”

Me: “Now, unfortunately, we’re going to have to back-bill you for this—”

Customer: “Oh, God!”

Me: “…but luckily for you, we cap back-bills at one year. So, it won’t be a couple grand: it’ll just be about $300.”

Customer: “Oh, wow, that’s so much better. Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, did you just thank me for billing you $300?”

Customer: “Yeah. It’s like one time when I was 14, and I’d just gotten my first piercing. I told my parents that I was pregnant, and by the time they figured out that I wasn’t, they were okay with any other news I could possibly have given them.”

Me: “Hey boss, the electric bill is due.”

Boss: “I’ll pay it next week.”

(Next week…)

Me: “Hey boss, the electric bill is due.”

Boss: “I’ll take care of it.”

(A few days later…)

Me: “Hey boss, that electric bill is a few days overdue.”

Boss: “I forgot. I’ll pay it tomorrow.”

Me: “But it’s overdue—”

Boss: “I’ll pay it tomorrow!”

(The next day…)

Me: “Boss, time to pay the electric bill.”

Boss: “I’ll take care of it tomorrow.”

Me: “But it was due a few days ago.”

(My boss takes the bill from me and tosses it aside.)

Boss: “I’ll pay it tomorrow.”

(Three weeks later…)

Me: “Hey boss, we’ve received a second notification that the electric bill hasn’t been paid. We have ten days to pay it or else they’ll shut off the electricity.”

Boss: “It doesn’t count until the third or fourth notice.”

Me: “Well, you should pay anyway.”

Boss: “I’ll take care of it.”

Me: “Now?”

Boss: “Tomorrow.”

(Two weeks later the Termination of Service notification comes in for the overdue bill. I tape the notification, with the original bill stapled to it, to my boss’s computer monitor. My boss comes into the office and sits down at his chair. He peers at the white paper on the monitor and moves his mouse more rapidly, trying to get rid of the “white screensaver” for 20 seconds. Finally, realization sets in. He reads the notice, removes it from the monitor, tosses it aside, and begins logging into his computer. Ten days later our electricity was shut off!)

(I have been living at my current residence for about six months. One day, a cable service worker knocks on my door.)

Worker: “I am here to inform you that your cable will be turned off, and I must take your cable box unless you bring your account up to date.”

Me: “Umm, I don’t have cable.”

Worker: “Miss [Name]? You owe [Company] [Amount]. How would you like to pay?”

Me: “That is not my name. That person hasn’t lived here for six months.”

Worker: “I need the cable box miss, and unless you can pay the account I will turn your cable off now.”

Me: “I’m not paying you anything. I don’t have cable; I never have and I don’t have a cable box. Here’s my driver’s license, here are three pieces of mail with my name, and two with my husbands name. I do not owe your company any money.”

Worker: “Uh huh… okay. I need the cable box.”

Me: “I do not have a cable box. I never had an account with your company.”

Worker: “Ma’am, I am going to shut the cable off now.”

Me: “Okay, fine.”

(Five minutes later, he knocks on the door again.)

Worker: “I need the cable box, now.”

Me: “I don’t really know how many more times I am going to need to tell you this. I do not have a cable box. I am not [Name].”

Worker: “Can you prove that?”

Me: “I already showed you my photo ID and my mail. What else do you need?”

Worker: “State or government issued ID.”

Me: “Okay, once again, here is my driver’s license, and here is my military ID, here is my power bill and there…”

(I point to my husband’s car, which is pulling into the driveway as we speak.)

Me: “…is my husband. Why don’t you talk to him now?”

(I let my husband speak with the worker and leave. Twenty minutes, later he finally comes into the house.)

My Husband: “I had to call the cable company and the landlord to prove to that guy that we don’t owe them any money.”

Me: “Ugh, that’s crazy.”

My Husband: “He says he still wants the cable box back, though.”

(Just then, there’s another knock on the door.)

Me: “I am not getting that.”

(I work for an Internet billing company that mostly does work with p*rn sites.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Consumer Support]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got some charges on my card, and I wanna know what the heck’s goin’ on.”

Me: “No problem, sir. If I can get the card number, I’ll be happy to help out.”

(He gives me his card, and I go through the process of looking it up and getting his info.)

Me: “All right, sir, it looks like I have a subscription here to [Adult Site]. Is that familiar?”

Customer: “Yeah, I know that. Hold on a sec. RANDY!”

(I hear him shouting at someone in the background, and then the sounds of someone getting the ever-loving crap beaten out of them.)

Customer: “Okay, I done took care of the charges. Can you cancel that for me?”

Me: “Sure… I’ve canceled it from further billing now for you.”

Customer: “All right. You have a nice day.” *click*