Me: “Thank you for calling [company]; how may I help today?”

Caller: “YOU PEOPLE SHUT MY CARD OFF!”

Me: “I can see that would be extremely frustrating. Can I have your account information so we can correct this?”

(The caller gives me the information, and I see she hasn’t made a payment in four months.)

Caller: “Turn it back on right now!”

Me: “I would be happy to once you make a payment to get your account up to date.”

Caller: “I have to pay?!”

Me: “Well you haven’t made any payments in four months; may I ask why? Is there something that has been preventing you from paying?”

Caller: “Yeah, something really important.”

Me: “May I ask what it was?”

Caller: “Yeah, I was saving up for my vacation to Cancun. That is why I need the card back on. RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “Just so I have this straight: you didn’t pay your credit card because you wanted to save up for your vacation, and now you want us to let you use your card.”

Caller: “Yeah, what’s so hard about that?”

Me: “Sorry, we won’t be able to do that for you without having a payment.”

Caller: “What! I am so canceling my card when I get home!”

(I work in customer service for a cell phone company.)

Me: “How can I assist you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my friend bought me a tablet, but I keep getting this bill. Why?”

Me: “I see that you’re using the Samsung Galaxy, right?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “That’s okay; what you actually have is a smartphone. It’s like a touch screen computer you can make calls on, but it is a cell phone and comes with a monthly bill.”

Customer: “You can’t make calls on this; it’s a computer! Stop billing me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but do you see the green icon that looks like a phone on your screen? Tap that. What do you see?”

Customer: “A keypad.”

Me: “That’s how you make phone calls; you just dial the number.”

Customer: “This proves nothing! I know a computer when I see one! This is a tablet, and I’m not paying anything!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [wireless company]; my name is [me]. May I have your first and last name, please?”

Customer: “I just want to make sure I’m reading my bill right. It’s my second bill, but I just want to make sure I understand what I am paying for.”

Me: “Sure, what questions do you have?”

Customer: “So, I see that the first bill is $260.71. That has, I assume, the activation charges. It looks like my first month from June 6 through July 5, as well as the two days before from the previous bill cycle before my regular one started, and was due on July 1, right?”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Customer: “Alright, and so then the current bill here for $176.20 is for July 6 through August 5 and is due on August 1, and the late fee for not having the first bill paid on time, right?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, absolutely.”

Customer: “Okay, so if I pay the $260.71 today, I won’t have to pay anything else until the first, and I also won’t get an interruption?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, I just wanted to make sure I understood it all. Thanks!”

Me: “No problem, ma’am, so… thank you for reading and understanding your bill.”

Customer: “You expected me to yell at you, didn’t you?”

Me: “Honestly? Yes.”

Customer: “I used to work in a bank, so I know what it’s like to be yelled at, especially when the issue isn’t your fault. After working there, I never yell at customer service reps, because I remember being there, myself.”

Me: “On behalf of all of us here at [company], thank you. Let me waive that late fee.”

Customer: No! No! Don’t waive it! I didn’t pay; it’s only fair I get the late fee!”

Me: “Too late.”

Customer: “It really meant that much?”

Me: “You made my night. Have a good one!”

Customer: “I wanted to know if is it possible for me to disconnect this service from another account?”

Me: *confused* “You’re trying to disconnect your account?”

Customer: “I’m trying to disconnect someone else’s account, because their bills keep coming to my mailbox.”

Me: “You’re trying to cut off someone else’s lights because their bills keep coming to you?”

Customer: “Well… um… I probably shouldn’t do that, should I? I’ll just… take it to their door.” *click*

Me: “I would like to dispute this $15 charge on my bill.”

Cable Rep: “Okay, I see we shipped you a box for $9.99.”

Me: “Yes, but there is another $15.”

Cable Rep: “Yes, that is for the shipping.”

Me: “Isn’t that the $9.99?”

Cable Rep: “Yes, that is for shipping.”

Me: “Then what is the $15 for?”

Cable Rep: “That’s for shipping.”

Me: “Why would you charge me $9.99 for shipping and then another $15 for shipping?”

Cable Rep: “That was for returning the old box.”

Me: “There were no labels in the box or anything to indicate it was for return, only the new box. I took the old one back to one of your offices.”

Cable Rep: “Look, I’m just trying to explain your charge. That was for shipping.”

Me: “Shipping what?”

Cable Rep: “The box.”

Me: “My old box or my new box?”

Cable Rep: “Look ma’am, I’m just trying to explain your bill since that was what you asked for.”

Me: “I physically returned the old box because there was no shipping label or anything else in the box you sent me.”

Cable Rep: “It was for shipping.”

Me: “Could I please speak with someone else?”

Cable Rep: “I assure you ma’am, I can help you.”

Me: “No, I assure you, you cannot…”