(Shortly before we met, my husband left his job to start a new one, and his insurance lapsed for a month. During this month, he had to get an emergency appendectomy. A year and a half later, we’re down to the last $1,000 of the $10,000 he owes to the hospital. Due to my medical conditions, I’m a stay-at-home wife and mom to my step-kids, so we have had no choice but to stay with my parents during that time. We’re finally able to see the light out of the debt, and the same hospital calls me. This isn’t the first time they’ve called, but the first time I’ve answered.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, is this [My Name]? I’m calling to discuss your account with [Hospital]. I see here that you owe $200 for a visit.”

Me: “Yes, I’m aware of that. I had a pretty bad bout with bronchitis, and it didn’t play well with my asthma. I fully intend to pay that $200. But since I’ve been paying you guys $10,000 for my husband’s life-saving operation, we were kind of waiting until that was paid off before paying mine.”

Caller: “Uh… I’m going to send out some financial help paperwork to you, and make a note of this. It was headed to collections, but it’ll put a hold on it for you.”

(I’m not sure if the shock in his voice was because I was intending to pay my debt, or because of how much we had already paid them, but it made me giggle. People can be surprisingly understanding if you explain the situation to them.)

(I work for a cell phone company. A customer calls in about her bill.)

Customer: “I already paid my first month when I activated.”

Me: “According to my records, you only paid the activation fee.”

Customer: “Yes, that is the first month’s bill.”

Me: “No, the activation fee is separate.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Yes. Your activation fee is to activate the phone for services.”

Customer: “You mean to tell me… I have to pay to activate the phone and pay to use it for the first month?”

Me: “That is correct.”

(The customer then started laughing hysterically and hung up.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company].”

Customer: “Hi, I got my bill in the post, and I just want to change my details and pay it.”

(I get all customers new details.)

Me: “So, did you want to pay that over the phone?”

Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

Me: “Great! Visa or Mastercard?”

Customer: “Wait! How do I know you work for [Company] and you’re not just trying to steal my money?”

Me: “Uh, sir, you called [Company] and I brought up all your details on the [Company] system and changed them.”

Customer: “But how do I know?”

Me: “Uh, what number did you call?”

Customer: “[Company]’s, obviously.”

Me: “Yes, and I answered, because I work here.”

Customer: “Liar! You could have hacked my phone. I’m not giving you any details.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir. You’re more than welcome to come into a centre or pay online.”

Customer: “No, that’s too much trouble.”

Me: “Then I can take payment over the phone.”

Customer: “Yeah, okay. Sounds good.”

(We continued the payment fine.)

Guest: “I noticed there were room charges on my bill.”

Me: “That’s kind of how it works; you don’t get to stay for free.”

(At some point it was decided that our tech support department should also always try to upsell. It is tempting; the usual pay is horrible and a bonus is offered, but it never sat right with me. I get a call from an elderly lady. She is lovely, living alone, and obviously not at all tech-savvy, and she has a simple enquiry: A friend told her that she was supposed to have hundreds of TV channels, but she only has about 30 — the very basic channels that, in Germany, are free to watch. After only a few questions from my side the issue becomes clear; someone sold her the most expensive cable bundle in connection with a set-top box that should be connected to her TV, only she has never, ever used it. She’s just been using her TV, hooked up to digital cable, and watched the free channels. All our calls are recorded, but this lady is awesome, and I’ve had about enough, so…)

Me: “Ma’am, before we continue, let me ask you one question: Are you happy with the service as it has been so far? Would you like to watch more channels?”

Caller: “Oh, I only ever watch the news for a bit in the evening. I don’t need anything else. I was just wondering about what my friend said.”

Me: “All right. You see, in order to get more channels, you would have to use the black box, and the remote that came with it. That’s one option. The other option is that I cancel your subscription for all but the basic functions.”

Caller: “I don’t want to deal with that box. It’s useless. But I want to keep the channels I used.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Here is what we’ll do: Everything on your end stays the same, but instead of your monthly fee of [about 60] Euros, we’ll lower it to [about 20] Euros.”

Caller: “You can really do that?”

Me: “In this case, yes. Also, as I’m looking at your account right now, may I ask if you have a computer or use the Internet at all?”

Caller: “No, no. I can’t be bothered with that.”

Me: “And you’re not planning on buying a computer, either, I take it.”

Caller: “No, I can’t make sense of all that stuff.”

Me: “That’s fine. In that case, I will cancel your Internet subscription as well. That brings your new monthly total down to [less than 10] Euros.”

(The call took over 20 minutes as I walked her through the cancellation process and had her write down everything we’d discussed, since she wanted her son to check her contract, and I wanted them to be able to make an informed decision. I got written up for it, but I didn’t mind. You just don’t take advantage of lovely old ladies for a measly bonus. I just wish I had found out which colleague had sold an Internet contract to someone who didn’t own a PC, laptop, or smartphone, etc.)