Welcome To The Hotel Obvious

, , , , , | Right | December 24, 2017

Guest: “I noticed there were room charges on my bill.”

Me: “That’s kind of how it works; you don’t get to stay for free.”

A Case For Upselling Humanity

, , , , | Working | December 19, 2017

(At some point it was decided that our tech support department should also always try to upsell. It is tempting; the usual pay is horrible and a bonus is offered, but it never sat right with me. I get a call from an elderly lady. She is lovely, living alone, and obviously not at all tech-savvy, and she has a simple enquiry: A friend told her that she was supposed to have hundreds of TV channels, but she only has about 30 — the very basic channels that, in Germany, are free to watch. After only a few questions from my side the issue becomes clear; someone sold her the most expensive cable bundle in connection with a set-top box that should be connected to her TV, only she has never, ever used it. She’s just been using her TV, hooked up to digital cable, and watched the free channels. All our calls are recorded, but this lady is awesome, and I’ve had about enough, so…)

Me: “Ma’am, before we continue, let me ask you one question: Are you happy with the service as it has been so far? Would you like to watch more channels?”

Caller: “Oh, I only ever watch the news for a bit in the evening. I don’t need anything else. I was just wondering about what my friend said.”

Me: “All right. You see, in order to get more channels, you would have to use the black box, and the remote that came with it. That’s one option. The other option is that I cancel your subscription for all but the basic functions.”

Caller: “I don’t want to deal with that box. It’s useless. But I want to keep the channels I used.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Here is what we’ll do: Everything on your end stays the same, but instead of your monthly fee of [about 60] Euros, we’ll lower it to [about 20] Euros.”

Caller: “You can really do that?”

Me: “In this case, yes. Also, as I’m looking at your account right now, may I ask if you have a computer or use the Internet at all?”

Caller: “No, no. I can’t be bothered with that.”

Me: “And you’re not planning on buying a computer, either, I take it.”

Caller: “No, I can’t make sense of all that stuff.”

Me: “That’s fine. In that case, I will cancel your Internet subscription as well. That brings your new monthly total down to [less than 10] Euros.”

(The call took over 20 minutes as I walked her through the cancellation process and had her write down everything we’d discussed, since she wanted her son to check her contract, and I wanted them to be able to make an informed decision. I got written up for it, but I didn’t mind. You just don’t take advantage of lovely old ladies for a measly bonus. I just wish I had found out which colleague had sold an Internet contract to someone who didn’t own a PC, laptop, or smartphone, etc.)

Your Credit Is In A (Hot)Spot Of Bother

, , , , , , , | Right | November 28, 2017

(I am a supervisor with 20 employees under my charge. We handle cellular service billing questions. When the situation arises, I take their escalated calls. This particular customer needs a credit for some overage charges, and by policy doesn’t rate a credit.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. My name is [My Name] and I’m a supervisor for [Company].”

Customer: “Yeah, I need my overages credited this instant. I never used this much data before, and I need it credited.”

(The customer has a significant amount of overage that is more than I make every two weeks.)

Me: “I will gladly take a look at the account and see what’s causing the overage.”

Customer: “Yeah, you better! I’m not paying for this!”

Me: “Sir, I can definitely understand the frustration. If you just give me a second…”

(I bring up the customer’s account, look over every detail, and notice he has his phone set as a mobile hotspot, meaning he is using his phone as a Wi-Fi router.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I notice you have your hotspot turned on.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know. I know it’s protected; no one is stealing my data. Just tell me why I’m going over and credit it.”

Me: “I can not credit it unless it’s a malfunction with the phone or feature. I’d like to ask a couple of questions.”

(The customer at this point is sighing, and I see that his data usage is rising.)

Customer: “FINE! Ask all the f****** questions you need!”

Me: “What do you use your hotspot for?”

Customer: “Xbox. I use it to play games online. What else should I use it for?”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Customer: “I use it to game online, and Netflix.”

Me: “So, I found the problem. You’re using it for Xbox, which will eat up the data like PacMan eats pellets, and because of that, I will not credit the overage.”


Me: “Well, then, sir, it will go into collections, and ruin your credit.”

Customer: “I DON’T F****** CARE! I’M RICH! DO YOU HEAR ME?!”

Me: “Then you shouldn’t have a problem paying it.”


(At this point I’m getting really annoyed at the customer, and just want the call to end.)

Me: “Microsoft.”

(At this point the customer knew they weren’t getting the credit and hung up the phone.)

MMORPG = Mindless Magnanimity Origins Roommates Paying Greatly

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 2, 2017

(My husband and I have a housemate. This housemate is also my co-worker and a friend of ours. We have been playing [Popular Multiplayer Online Game] off and on for years. The game requires a monthly subscription fee, and back in August our housemate wanted to play as well, so we spotted him the cost for a month to check it out. Instead of using the “Gift Time” option, my husband put our card on the subscription. We asked him to remove our payment information directly after, so as to avoid future charges. He told us that he did and that we did not have to worry. The very next month, however, I notice a charge on our account.)

Me: “Hey, [Housemate], did you remove our card information from your game account?”

Housemate: “Yeah, I did that right after the first month’s charge went through.”

Me: “Could you please check again, just to make sure?”

Housemate: “Oh. Apparently, it didn’t remove it.”

Me: “Okay. To be safe, remove it, and also cancel the subscription all together. Then you can renew it with your information. Just send me the confirmation for it.”

(I wait a few days, then check back with him, and he assures me that he confirmed everything was removed, but he never sends me the actual confirmation email. Unfortunately, come October, yet another charge has hit.)

Me: “[Housemate], I have another charge listed on the account. You said you removed our card, didn’t you?”

Housemate: “Yeah, I made sure it was completely removed. It’s charging my account, not yours.”

Me: “Could you please double-check it for me?”

Housemate: “I already removed it.”

Me: “Fine. I guess I’ll be calling the bank, then. Just get me a screenshot of the cancellation record, please.”

Housemate: “Oh, wait. I guess it is mine.”

Me: “What?”

Housemate: “Yeah, somehow I have a double subscription. I’ve fixed it now.”

(I still haven’t received any proof that he resolved it. My husband and I have definitely learned our lesson, though.)

Unable To Move (On)

, , , , , | Working | October 27, 2017

(I am moving out of state soon and am calling around to shut off all of my utilities.)

Me: “Hi! I am moving and need to set up a shut off date for my gas. Everything should be paid in full.”

Operator: “Let’s see. It says you have zero balance due.”

Me: “Yep.”

(There is a long pause. I begin to wonder if we have been disconnected when she speaks again.)

Operator: “$58.49.”

Me: “What?”

(There is another long pause. This time I can clearly hear her still on the line, though she is not speaking. When she speaks up again she sounds even more confused.)

Operator: “That was due on the first.”

Me: “Okay?”

Operator: “Your payment was due on the first.”

Me: “Yes, that payment should have gone through.”

Operator: “What?”

Me: “I paid that.”

(There is yet another long pause. At this point it’s clear she can hear me just fine; she just seems baffled.)

Operator: “It says you have no payment due.”

Me: “Exactly.”

Operator: “So… you don’t owe anything.”

Me: “Right. I just want to set up a shut-off date. I’m moving.”

(Thankfully, she finally seemed to understand and set up my appointment. Not trusting her, I called back another day to confirm.)

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