In Massachusetts, cities and towns can elect to collect annual property/excise tax on boats. The bill will come from the city or town where the boat is moored, docked, or stored. I work in the tax collector’s office for one of these towns. Some time after the bill is due, we send out a second notice. Some time after the second notice is due, we employ a Deputy Collector to send out a third notice. Some time after the third notice is due, they send an officer or sheriff to hand-deliver the notice to the property address.

The year is 2022.

Me: “Collector’s office, can I help you?”

Resident: “Yes, I hope you can. I’m calling about a supposed overdue boat excise bill.”

Me: “Okay, I can definitely look that up for you. What’s the last name?”

Resident: “[Resident’s Last Name]. I don’t know why I have an overdue bill. I’ve never gotten a bill from you guys except for one which was abated in full. I dock my boat in Connecticut.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Did you note that on your registration?”

Resident: “It is now.”

Me: “Okay, well, I see one bill from 2014 that was unpaid.”

Resident: “Why? I never got a single bill except for that one I told you about.”

Me: “I don’t know why it’s unpaid, but I see that you also got bills in 2010, 2011, and 2012 that you paid.”

Resident: “That’s not true. I never paid a bill here for my boat. My boat is in Connecticut. I had one bill that I abated. I never paid a bill.”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you. I see a bill that was paid in January 2011, one that was paid in October 2011, one that was paid in October 2012, and the 2014 bill that wasn’t paid.”

Resident: “You’re saying I paid three bills for my boat?”

Me: “That’s what I’m seeing, yes. In fact, they were all paid through our online payment system, so a receipt would have been emailed to you.”

Resident: “I never got an email.”

How do you remember what emails you did or didn’t get from ten years ago or more?

Me: “Okay, well, I can probably pull the receipts if you want me to look into it.”

Resident: “Please do. I never paid them.”

Me: “Okay, I’m going to put you on hold while I look those up.” *Does so* “Okay, I found them. They all have the same contact information.”

Resident: “What date was one of them paid?”

Me: “The 2012 bill was paid October 24th, 2012.”

Resident: “October 24th? See, that obviously wasn’t me who paid them.”

Me: “Okay?”

Resident: “Yeah. My anniversary is that week. I was on vacation then. There’s no way I would have come in to pay them while I was on vacation.”

Me: “Well, they were paid online, so you didn’t come in.”

Resident: “I wouldn’t have paid my bills on vacation, either. And my son was thirteen at the time; he couldn’t have paid them, either.”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you. I have the receipt here. [Resident]?”

Resident: “Yes.”

Me: “[Address]?”

Resident: “Yes.”

Me: “[Phone number]?”

Resident: “Yes.”

Me: “[Email address]?”

Resident: “Yes.”

Me: “Then, it really is odd. Either you or someone you know paid your bill. Or you had identity fraud seven to ten years ago, and they were very nice to pay your bills for you.”

Resident: *Pauses* “Maybe… So, how do I pay this overdue bill?”

Me: “You can pay it online at [Deputy Collector’s Website], or you can mail a money order for [amount] to [address].”

Resident: “Okay, I’ll send it in.”

Me: “Thank you. Have a great day!”

I have just arrived at the dentist’s office a bit before my appointment. After a few moments, the receptionist calls me over.

Receptionist: “We need to take care of your balance before your appointment.”

Me: “What balance?”

Receptionist: “From your last visit; you had a remaining balance.”

My last visit was six months ago, but I never received a bill.

Me: “That should have been covered. What’s the balance?”

Receptionist: “I need to look it up. Give me a moment.”

She starts going through the software, talking to the woman next to her. They go back and forth complaining about the new accounting software and complaining that they can’t find my balance. By now, it’s five minutes after my appointment was supposed to start, and the hygienist has already waved at me from behind the desk.

Me: “Can I do my appointment now while you two are working on this?”

Receptionist: “No, you have to settle the bill for your last cleaning before we do another one.”

Me: “Well… okay, but why are you waiting until right now to do this? I never got a bill, and the balance was never mentioned when I made this appointment or when you called me to confirm it.”

Receptionist: “We use a third party to send out the bills, so we have no control over that. And the system doesn’t tell us if you have a balance or not when we’re making appointments. Sorry about this. Just sit down and we’ll pull up the information.”

I sit down and wait. And wait. And wait. I can’t hear everything they say, but they seem to still be struggling to pull up my balance from their software. By now, my appointment slot is almost passed, and I have to get back to work.

Receptionist: “Sorry about this. Can you stay a bit longer? We had an opening after yours that you can take.”

Me: “No, I can’t. I have to get back to work.”

Receptionist: “Ah… okay. We’ll call you this afternoon with the balance, and you can make an appointment then. Sound good?”

Me: “Sure.”

I’m not happy with the situation, but I figure I’ll wait and see what the balance is and why I have it. I don’t get a call that afternoon, but I do get a call the next week… telling me I have a $50 fee for missing my appointment. I call them back up.

Me: “So, I have a fee for missing my last appointment on [date]?”

Receptionist: “Oh, yes, thank you for returning our call. What’s the card number?”

Me: “Um, no, I’m not paying this. I was at the appointment. You guys said I had a balance, which you couldn’t find, so I wasted my whole appointment in the waiting room waiting for you to figure out what I owed.”

Receptionist: “Yes, I remember. You left after that instead of taking the next appointment slot you were offered, which is why you’re getting that fee.”

Me: “I had to get back to work. I didn’t have time to stay for another hour.”

Receptionist: “I understand that. But when we book an appointment, we need to have some billable activity in that appointment, or we’re losing money, which is why we charge fees for missed appointments.”

Me: “But it’s not my fault you guys wouldn’t let me keep the appointment.”

Receptionist: “I understand that, but you were offered the next appointment and still chose to leave.”

Me: “Look. I’m not paying a fee for sitting around in the waiting room for an hour.”

Receptionist: *Sighing* “Let me talk to the office supervisor. We’ll call you back.”

They didn’t call me back. I figured the matter was resolved, so I never called back, but instead, I switched dentists so I could get my cleaning. Apparently, I should have followed up, because today I got a notice that a $50 bill had been sent to collections from my dentist, despite (again) no bills being sent to me. Still no word on that original balance, though.

Related:
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 18
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 17
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 16
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 15
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 14

I used to have my mobile phone set up through Australia’s largest telecommunications company. When I would receive my bill, I also received a printout of all the phone numbers I supposedly called during the month. I never looked at it… until this one time.

I called the company. The representative did their spiel, clarified my information, etc., and asked how they could help. 

Me: “There’s a mistake on my bill. There are phone calls I didn’t make.” 

Representative: “I can assure you that our records are never wrong.”

Me: “Well, this time, they are.”

Representative: “Okay, ma’am, please tell me which date, time, and number.” 

I do so.

Representative: “Do you not recognise the number, ma’am? You’ve called that number in previous months.”

Me: “Yes, I do recognise it, but I didn’t call it this month.”

Representative: “Perhaps someone else used your phone to call them?”

Me: “No, no one would take my phone without my permission anyway, but they wouldn’t have called that number. It was my fiancé’s number when he was overseas, but he’s been back here in the country for two months.”

Representative: “Maybe it was a different fiancé.”

Me: “Um, what?”

The line goes silent, except I can hear the cogs turning. 

Representative: “I’ll get that fixed for you.”

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a legal nature. It is not intended as legal advice.

I’m a lawyer. A friend from school reached out to ask for help dealing with an ambulance company. Her parent had passed away in an ambulance while traveling between a nursing home and a hospital. The ambulance company sent my friend a bill that she could not afford to pay, and they were threatening to send the bill to collectors.

Me: “Not a problem, friend! Your parent’s estate is responsible for this bill. You don’t have a personal obligation to pay it, so they can’t send it to collections in your name. Let me just mail a short letter, and they should stop bothering you.”

I typed a very polite letter (“This person has legal representation, please cease any and all shenanigans, etc.”) and thought that was the end of this nonsense. Fast forward a few weeks when my friend sent a picture of another bill. Because the law is so cut and dry on debt collection, I assumed the ambulance company had some computer or human error which caused another letter to be sent.

Me: “No worries, friend. I bet someone messed up. Let me give them a call real quick and figure it out.”

Imagine a super cool montage of me working through a really long automated phone tree before talking to an actual human.

Me: “Hey, I’m [Friend]’s lawyer. I sent a letter asking you to stop sending her collections notices. She got another notice yesterday, so I just wanted to figure out why and how to make sure these letters stop.”

“Surely, this will be a quick call and we can all have a laugh about whatever error occurred,” I think.

Employee: “We will stop sending her bills when she pays.”

Me: “Umm… but that’s pretty illegal for, like, a lot of reasons. I can think of three right off the top of my head. So, instead of me getting all riled up and starting a lawsuit, can you just be cool? Pretty please?”

Employee: “It’s not illegal. Try to sue us if you want our lawyers to explain it to you.”

She made me say the phrase that I hate more than any other phrase IN THE WORLD.

Me: “May I speak with your manager, please?”

Employee: “Nope, I am the manager, and I’m also more familiar with the FDCPA than you. What we are doing is perfectly legal. Tell your friend to pay.”

The FDCPA (Federal Debt Collection Practices Act) sets out certain rules for what debt collectors can or cannot do. But some states, like Texas, have stronger rules which protect debtors. I didn’t know whether or not the ambulance company was violating any FDCPA things, but I knew FOR SURE (and when a good lawyer says, “for sure,” that means one hundred percent sure) that they were violating Texas DCPA.

Me: “Telling me I don’t know what I’m doing is rude. Hassling [Friend] after their parent passed away is shockingly rude. So, last chance before I hang up to angry-type a lawsuit and angry-file it. You don’t want me to sue on this, because I will win.”

Employee: “Please do, and we will see you in court. Have a nice day!” *Click*

She hung up on me. Oh, man, I was pissed — easily in the top ten of pissed in a professional context.

The whole conversation took about ten minutes. I have a fairly high tolerance for abrasive people; most people don’t look forward to talking with a lawyer, I get it. Still, sending collection notices to the wrong person AFTER that person buried a parent AND telling me I’m a bad lawyer was pretty mind-blowing.

I literally started working on this complaint as soon as I hung up. Because if I threaten to sue and you ASK me to follow through, my hands are tied.

I filed and the company was served, presumably followed by an actual lawyer reading the complaint and thinking, “Oh, wow, we f***ed up here.” A very apologetic lawyer called, and we reached an agreement to settle which included an apology to [Friend].

A couple of years ago, I was asked to write copy for a start-up’s website. The client wasn’t sure what they wanted, and in the course of “taking the brief,” it became clear that they also hadn’t worked out who their business was aimed at. I spent a lot of time getting them to focus on target customers, market sectors, and so on.

Once this was done, I wrote the copy and sent them my invoice.

Client: “I don’t think I should have to pay for this.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Client: “We spent too much time answering questions beforehand.”