Long ago, I worked for Xbox phone support, mostly doing billing issues. A lady calls up to complain.

Caller: “You charged a huge bill to my credit card!”

It takes me all of ten seconds to figure out that her son has her card on his account and he has bought a bunch of games. These are NOT refundable. Period. I calmly explain this fact to her and offer to take the card off the account.

Caller: “How dare you accuse my son of buying games without my permission?! Why can’t you just refund it to me?!”

Me: “The best I can do is suggest that you take it up with the bank as a fraud charge.”

Caller: “I want your name!” 

Me: “It’s [My First Name].”

Caller: “I want your full name!”

Me: “We can’t give that out. You don’t need my full name.”

Caller: “I do because I want to sue you!”

Yes, she wanted to sue me, specifically. When I told her it was against policy to give out my full name, she demanded to speak to a supervisor.

The supervisor hung up on her.

This was a good many years ago now. My husband’s phone bill had a spelling mistake. We never really paid any attention to it. It never really caused any issues… until it did, of course.

The mistake was simple — think “Rod William” instead of “Rod Williams” simple.

One day, we moved states and put in for mail redirection. Where I am from, mail redirections have to be EXACT, so the bill never got forwarded. In all that goes along with moving, it didn’t even cross our minds that the bill hadn’t arrived or been paid. Then, inevitably the phone got cut off. Once we realised, we were all set to fix it up, pay the bill, change our address, etc. But no, it can’t be that simple.

You see, to change the spelling mistake, we needed to provide proof of my husband’s correct name. But for any name change, they needed name change documents such as a wedding certificate or other official name change document, which he didn’t have as it was not a name change, just a spelling mistake. For some reason, his licence or passport was not good enough evidence. We asked what we could do to get this fixed up and they offered no help or resolution, just stonewalling that there was no possible way to fix the incorrect spelling.

Okay, cool. At this point, we were cranky. “Not going to help us with what should be a simple fix? We won’t pay the bill,” we told them.

They responded with details of the contract and our obligations, debt collectors, etc. My husband simply replied:

Husband: “But who are you going to go after?”

Employee: “You, of course.”

Husband: *Looking comically confused* “But my name is not Rod William, and I am not going to pay his bill. Good luck finding him. If you happen to send me my own bill, though, I would be happy to pay that.”

Oh, look! The spelling mistake was corrected immediately.

I recently picked up a second contract with a client. Upon completion, I sent them two invoices for the two contracts in the same email. When I checked my bank account the next day, I noticed that a seemingly random (and much lower) sum had been deposited, so I emailed the client to find out what was going on.

Me: “Hi. I’ve received a partial payment for these two contracts. Can you please confirm when the remaining amount will be paid?”

Client: “Oh, no, it’s all paid. I used the amounts in the invoices you sent me.”

Me: “But this is only around a third of the total of the two invoices.”

Client: “Yes, I subtracted the amount of the smaller invoice from that of the larger invoice and paid you the difference.”

In Massachusetts, cities and towns can elect to collect annual property/excise tax on boats. The bill will come from the city or town where the boat is moored, docked, or stored. I work in the tax collector’s office for one of these towns. Some time after the bill is due, we send out a second notice. Some time after the second notice is due, we employ a Deputy Collector to send out a third notice. Some time after the third notice is due, they send an officer or sheriff to hand-deliver the notice to the property address.

The year is 2022.

Me: “Collector’s office, can I help you?”

Resident: “Yes, I hope you can. I’m calling about a supposed overdue boat excise bill.”

Me: “Okay, I can definitely look that up for you. What’s the last name?”

Resident: “[Resident’s Last Name]. I don’t know why I have an overdue bill. I’ve never gotten a bill from you guys except for one which was abated in full. I dock my boat in Connecticut.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Did you note that on your registration?”

Resident: “It is now.”

Me: “Okay, well, I see one bill from 2014 that was unpaid.”

Resident: “Why? I never got a single bill except for that one I told you about.”

Me: “I don’t know why it’s unpaid, but I see that you also got bills in 2010, 2011, and 2012 that you paid.”

Resident: “That’s not true. I never paid a bill here for my boat. My boat is in Connecticut. I had one bill that I abated. I never paid a bill.”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you. I see a bill that was paid in January 2011, one that was paid in October 2011, one that was paid in October 2012, and the 2014 bill that wasn’t paid.”

Resident: “You’re saying I paid three bills for my boat?”

Me: “That’s what I’m seeing, yes. In fact, they were all paid through our online payment system, so a receipt would have been emailed to you.”

Resident: “I never got an email.”

How do you remember what emails you did or didn’t get from ten years ago or more?

Me: “Okay, well, I can probably pull the receipts if you want me to look into it.”

Resident: “Please do. I never paid them.”

Me: “Okay, I’m going to put you on hold while I look those up.” *Does so* “Okay, I found them. They all have the same contact information.”

Resident: “What date was one of them paid?”

Me: “The 2012 bill was paid October 24th, 2012.”

Resident: “October 24th? See, that obviously wasn’t me who paid them.”

Me: “Okay?”

Resident: “Yeah. My anniversary is that week. I was on vacation then. There’s no way I would have come in to pay them while I was on vacation.”

Me: “Well, they were paid online, so you didn’t come in.”

Resident: “I wouldn’t have paid my bills on vacation, either. And my son was thirteen at the time; he couldn’t have paid them, either.”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you. I have the receipt here. [Resident]?”

Resident: “Yes.”

Me: “[Address]?”

Resident: “Yes.”

Me: “[Phone number]?”

Resident: “Yes.”

Me: “[Email address]?”

Resident: “Yes.”

Me: “Then, it really is odd. Either you or someone you know paid your bill. Or you had identity fraud seven to ten years ago, and they were very nice to pay your bills for you.”

Resident: *Pauses* “Maybe… So, how do I pay this overdue bill?”

Me: “You can pay it online at [Deputy Collector’s Website], or you can mail a money order for [amount] to [address].”

Resident: “Okay, I’ll send it in.”

Me: “Thank you. Have a great day!”

I have just arrived at the dentist’s office a bit before my appointment. After a few moments, the receptionist calls me over.

Receptionist: “We need to take care of your balance before your appointment.”

Me: “What balance?”

Receptionist: “From your last visit; you had a remaining balance.”

My last visit was six months ago, but I never received a bill.

Me: “That should have been covered. What’s the balance?”

Receptionist: “I need to look it up. Give me a moment.”

She starts going through the software, talking to the woman next to her. They go back and forth complaining about the new accounting software and complaining that they can’t find my balance. By now, it’s five minutes after my appointment was supposed to start, and the hygienist has already waved at me from behind the desk.

Me: “Can I do my appointment now while you two are working on this?”

Receptionist: “No, you have to settle the bill for your last cleaning before we do another one.”

Me: “Well… okay, but why are you waiting until right now to do this? I never got a bill, and the balance was never mentioned when I made this appointment or when you called me to confirm it.”

Receptionist: “We use a third party to send out the bills, so we have no control over that. And the system doesn’t tell us if you have a balance or not when we’re making appointments. Sorry about this. Just sit down and we’ll pull up the information.”

I sit down and wait. And wait. And wait. I can’t hear everything they say, but they seem to still be struggling to pull up my balance from their software. By now, my appointment slot is almost passed, and I have to get back to work.

Receptionist: “Sorry about this. Can you stay a bit longer? We had an opening after yours that you can take.”

Me: “No, I can’t. I have to get back to work.”

Receptionist: “Ah… okay. We’ll call you this afternoon with the balance, and you can make an appointment then. Sound good?”

Me: “Sure.”

I’m not happy with the situation, but I figure I’ll wait and see what the balance is and why I have it. I don’t get a call that afternoon, but I do get a call the next week… telling me I have a $50 fee for missing my appointment. I call them back up.

Me: “So, I have a fee for missing my last appointment on [date]?”

Receptionist: “Oh, yes, thank you for returning our call. What’s the card number?”

Me: “Um, no, I’m not paying this. I was at the appointment. You guys said I had a balance, which you couldn’t find, so I wasted my whole appointment in the waiting room waiting for you to figure out what I owed.”

Receptionist: “Yes, I remember. You left after that instead of taking the next appointment slot you were offered, which is why you’re getting that fee.”

Me: “I had to get back to work. I didn’t have time to stay for another hour.”

Receptionist: “I understand that. But when we book an appointment, we need to have some billable activity in that appointment, or we’re losing money, which is why we charge fees for missed appointments.”

Me: “But it’s not my fault you guys wouldn’t let me keep the appointment.”

Receptionist: “I understand that, but you were offered the next appointment and still chose to leave.”

Me: “Look. I’m not paying a fee for sitting around in the waiting room for an hour.”

Receptionist: *Sighing* “Let me talk to the office supervisor. We’ll call you back.”

They didn’t call me back. I figured the matter was resolved, so I never called back, but instead, I switched dentists so I could get my cleaning. Apparently, I should have followed up, because today I got a notice that a $50 bill had been sent to collections from my dentist, despite (again) no bills being sent to me. Still no word on that original balance, though.

Related:
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 18
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 17
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 16
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 15
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 14