I fall behind on a retail store’s credit card bill — my fault — and get a letter threatening my credit score if I do not pay in full by the following Friday. I send a check and date it for the following Thursday so that it is before the deadline.

On Thursday, I receive an email with a ten-digit confirmation number showing that my account has been brought up to date.

The Monday after, I receive a call from the company I have just paid. The caller’s tone is no-nonsense, getting more aggressive as the call goes on.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Are you [My Name]?”

Me: “Who is this?”

Caller: “Miss [My Name], this call is being monitored and recorded for quality assurance and training. Are you aware of your account with [Company] being past due?”

Me: “That account was paid in full last week. What is your name?”

Caller: “We have no record of you paying in the last two months. If you do not bring your account up to date today, [Company] will have no choice but to send your debt to a collector, and your credit score will be negatively impacted.”

I give up on getting this woman’s name.

Me: “I paid. I have proof on my bank statement and a confirmation number in an email.”

Caller: “Ma’am, I am not going to argue with you. If you do not pay [amount I just paid] by the end of this phone call, I will send your account to collections myself.”

Me: “Okay.”

A moment of silence.

Caller: “Ma’am?”

Me: “I’m here.”

Caller: “Will you be paying your debt today?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Okay, that’s it. You’re going to collections.”

Me: “[Confirmation number].”

Caller: *Smug* “Is that your card number, ma’am?”

Me: “It’s my confirmation number from the email from [Company]. I received it on Thursday.”

There’s another pause.

Caller: “Can you repeat that number, please?”

Me: “[Confirmation number]. I paid [amount].”

Yet another pause.

Caller: “Thank you for your time, ma’am.”

She disconnected the call without so much as an apology.

I contacted [Company]’s customer service and told them about our encounter. They denied any such call taking place and showed that I had indeed paid up before the alleged incident.

I cancelled my card and left a negative review online.

I lived abroad for a while, and then I moved back to Finland. My mom had to sign for my phone and Internet to be connected, in her name, despite me not having lived with my parents for more than a decade.

I was informed by various employees, usually rudely, that I had “bad credit” and therefore could hope for nothing but a prepaid phone — definitely no house Internet. Now, that’s not something you want to hear, so I got my credit report. Maybe I had forgotten to deal with some payment when I left the country, and it had gathered interest in my absence? No, nothing of the sort — a report as clean as freshly fallen snow.

Further inquiries taught me that the phone/Internet company was looking for bills paid. In Finland. In the last two years. While I had not lived there for ten.

I offered proof of paid phone bills from the other country where I’d lived, paid electricity bills, paid rent, a recommendation from my landlord, anything. Nope, I needed to have bills paid in Finland; otherwise, their system flagged it as me not paying any bills. Well, I didn’t, seeing as the bills were nonexistent. During all this, the clerks also never failed to treat me as someone who was trying to scam them — by living abroad?

And that’s why I had to take my mom to the phone shop to sign for me, just like I did when I was fourteen.

What I really want to know is how people deal when they don’t have family here. Finland’s official line is that it wants to attract foreign specialists and experts. Well, if not having always lived in Finland is a crime, good luck with that.

When my baby was six months old, the pediatrician’s billing service sent a notice saying the insurance company refused to pay for one of his well-visits. Since it should have been covered, I called the insurance company first.

Insurance: “It’s a network thing. You needed to get a referral from the primary care doctor first.”

Me: “But we saw the primary care doctor.”

Insurance: “The claim says you visited an anesthesiologist in [Town #1].”

Me: “Uh, no. We went to the pediatrician’s office in [Town #2].”

Insurance: “Oh, I see the problem. The healthcare network’s billing agent reversed two of the numbers in the billing code. They put in 123456, but they should have input 123465. Have them resubmit the bill, and we’ll pay it.”

I called the billing center and explained the problem and that if they resubmitted the bill, they’d get paid.

Agent: “No.”

Me: “No?”

Agent: “I already submitted it, and they rejected it.”

Me: “You submitted an incorrect claim, and that’s why they rejected it.”

Agent: “It’s been submitted and rejected, and now you need to pay for the visit.”

Lather, rinse, and repeat for about two minutes.

Me: “Okay, well, have a nice day.”

I hung up, brewed myself a nice cup of tea, and played with the baby for a while. Feeling refreshed, I called the billing center back. I got the same agent.

Me: “Hi! I called before about an incorrect bill you submitted to insurance.”

Agent: *Huge sigh* “There is nothing I can do about it.”

Me: “Well, I’ve turned you in to the state insurance commission for insurance fraud.”

Agent: “What?!”

Me: “They said they’ll call in the next couple of days.”

Agent: “Why would you do that?”

Me: “Because you billed my insurance company for a visit to an anesthesiologist in [Town #1] that my son never went to.”

Agent: “But you—”

Me: “My son never had any surgery or any medical condition that would require an anesthesiologist. I can prove quite thoroughly that I had nothing to do with this doctor.”

Agent: “Are you serious?”

Me: “Finally, I can prove I wasn’t there because at exactly the same time you claim I was receiving services in [Town #1]… I was in my son’s pediatrician’s office twenty miles away.”

Agent: “Why are you doing this?”

Me: “By insisting my insurance should pay for that visit, when you know I was never there, that’s insurance fraud.”

Agent: “…”

Me: “…”

Agent: “Fine. I’ll fix the claim!”

Me: *All sunshine* “Thank you!”

The minute the corrected claim arrived, insurance paid up.

Related:
When They Act Tough, You Call Their Bluff

I do video post by the hour, and I work according to directions from clients. My terms are payment upon receipt.

I submitted an invoice for $3,500.

Client: “I have only $3,000 budgeted. Can you help me out?”

Me: “Okay, I’ll discount this job for your budget, but on the next job where you make a windfall because I did the work for less than you budgeted, I expect a bonus up to $500.”

Silence.

Then, he took sixty days to pay the discounted invoice.

There’s an evil woman who is good friends with my boss and always needs special treatment.

She comes in one day and starts talking to my coworker.

Customer: “I just got back from vacation and got my bill. I went over on my minutes, and I need a bigger plan.”

This plan is $40 more a month. My coworker is going to set her up on this plan, but I decide to try and help. If she was on vacation and used all her anytime minutes roaming, then she will only pay the overages once. She doesn’t have to pay more.

Me: *Casually* “Oh, where were you vacationing? If it’s one of the countries on our roaming list we can—”

Customer: *From zero to screaming* “If you interrupt me again, I will talk to [Boss] and have your a** fired.”

Okay. Pay more. F*** you.

And she did pay more.