If I told you every awful part of working with this client, this submission would be novel-length. Instead, here’s a final quote that I’ll never forget.
Client: “I hope that my not paying you doesn’t affect your opinion of me as a person.”
This client kept trying to negotiate a “deal” on how much he would pay me.
Client: “$300… plus the $250 deposit… equals $550. Pretty good deal, I’d say.”
Me: “That’s not how the invoice breaks down. I’ll send it to you again when I get back into the office.”
Client: “I know what the invoice says. I’m just reminding you of the total I’m willing to pay you.”
Me: “Attached is an image of the invoice for the amount we agreed on. I value my work and the time I spent providing you with these services. Honestly, I hope for your sake that nobody ever makes you fight this hard to be paid for your own work.”
Client: “Oh, I get paid very well.”
Me: “Must be nice.”
I work for a non-profit. One of my clients is trying to pay her annual fees with a credit card but is wary of technology.
Client: “Hmm, I don’t think I should be saying my card numbers out loud.”
Me: “As long as you’re alone, ma’am, it should be—”
Client: “Oh! I’ll email them to you! I know how to do those now! Oh, but I don’t want anyone else to know what the email is about.”
Me: “Well, as I was saying, as long as—”
Client: “Oh, I know! I’ll hide the numbers in the email so no one else can figure it out!”
Me: “Ma’am, I respect your zealousness for security, but—”
The client hangs up. Later, I receive an email from her that looks like a nursery rhyme. She had decided to hide her credit card information in a nursery rhyme just to be safe.
Email: “Mary1 had23 a4 little5 lamb6 whose78 fleece was9 white0 as 1snow…”
And so on. I just passed the email on to the company lawyer to let them decide if I could legally run those numbers!
Years ago, I worked in the billing office of a small, independent clinic. My coworkers and I had different, mostly siloed roles, but there were some shared tasks that we each did a little differently.
Our manager, a controlling bully most of the time, was a woman originally from Europe. She spoke English with near-perfect grammar and no trace of an accent. The only thing she struggled with, occasionally, was idioms and sayings. She was aware of that and always willing to improve on it.
One day, she called a staff meeting to berate us for having too much autonomy, apparently.
Manager: “You each think you have authority. You don’t. There needs to be a standard process and a clear reporting structure. Our processes are a mess. There are too many Indians in the kitchen!”
My coworkers kept a straight face, but I had a hard time concealing a smile. Our manager noticed.
Manager: “What is it?” *Quickly realizing* “That was the wrong phrase, wasn’t it?”
Me: “Yes.”
Manager: “What’s the correct saying?”
Me: “It’s either ‘too many cooks in the kitchen’ or ‘too many chiefs, not enough Indians.’ Although the second one isn’t considered polite anymore.”
Manager: “Oh. Well…” *resuming her glaring* ”You know what I meant!”
She continued her tirade, but by then, my coworkers were also concealing smiles and our manager’s criticisms didn’t pack the punch she intended. She gave up and let us get back to work, and she avoided me for the rest of the day.
We have a customer who is terrible at paying on time. If it was decent money, maybe it would be okay, but we’re talking less than $100 a month. Our credit terms are thirty days following invoice month.
In June, I notice that this customer hasn’t paid an April bill for $25. I call and email and get no response. This gets the account put on stop credit. I continue to call and email, chasing payment. I finally receive a response at the end of July.
Customer: “Travelling in the states — will pay when I am back.”
Fast forward to September after many more calls and emails chasing payment. A man walks up the stairs and asks the receptionist why the sales staff sent him to us.
Receptionist: “Oh, it’s because there’s a small overdue balance on your account.”
Customer: “Yes, I know. I got your emails. Why is my account on stop credit? It’s only $25! This is pathetic! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I SPEND HERE?!”
Receptionist: “Well, I’m sorry, but it’s company policy. If you settle the bill, we can take the account off stop.”
Customer: “But it’s such a small amount, and I told you why it wasn’t paid, so why am I on stop?!”
At this point, he is yelling very loudly at the tiny little old lady receptionist and I’ve had enough, I don’t think he’s noticed me at my back corner desk in the office. Also, I’m younger, stockier, and taller than him, and I was printing his invoice while this was starting.
Me: “Actually, that was me. I was the one emailing you, and I put the account on stop. Since you were out of the country, I thought it best to avoid any fraudulent activity until we knew you were back, so now we can reopen it. We just need the balance paid and you’re all set.”
Customer: “HOW DARE YOU EVER PUT MY ACCOUNT ON STOP CREDIT?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I SPEND?! I’VE BEEN A CUSTOMER FOR FIFTY YEARS! I’VE SPENT HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS HERE! THIS IS DISGRACEFUL I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! I’LL NEVER DARKEN YOUR DOORS AGAIN!”
Me: “I’m very sorry about this. Let’s go downstairs and process payment of this account so we can close it for you.”
This whole thing started at 4:55. We are supposed to finish at 5:00, but we got stuck at work being yelled at by this man-child until 5:15. None of the men downstairs came up to try to calm him down. (Both of us office staff members are women.)
And after two months, the man came back and the manager took his account off stop credit, which meant I had to call him repeatedly for the next year that I stayed with the company.
He was and still is a jerk.
