Only Say “Looking Good!” If You’re Good Looking

, , , , | Friendly | July 12, 2018

(I am having a conversation amongst my old high school classmates.)

Female Classmate #1: “Ugh. Some man just gave me a compliment! What a creep!”

Male Classmate: “Wait, so, as a man, if I see a woman and feel like giving her a compliment, I shouldn’t?”

Female Classmate #2: “Exactly. That’s SOOOO creepy!”

Male Classmate: “There’s no situation where it’d be okay?”

Female Classmate #1: “Well, if you were a stranger I liked back, then it’d be okay. But otherwise, no.”

(The conversation went on, along those points… but all I could think was that she essentially told him, “The difference between a man being creepy and being polite is whether or not he’s attractive.” Way to uphold stereotypes, classmates!)

You Have A Cathoholic Problem

, , , , , | Working | July 12, 2018

(A supervisor comes into the office with a smile on his face. [Colleague], who works on the desk opposite me, is in her late 70s and is retiring in six months. She is known for her conservative views.)

Supervisor: *to me* “I’ve finally converted—”

Me: “What?”

Supervisor: “I’ve converted. You know, the—”

Colleague: “Oh, that’s wonderful news.” *quick side glare at me* “It’s a good day when one of the lost finds the flock again.”

Supervisor: “Ugh, sure… Anyway, I converted my measures sheet to metric. It took me all weekend, but I finally did it.” *beaming*

Me: “Oh, that is wonderful. That should save us some time!”

Colleague: “So, you aren’t converting to Catholicism. You should, unless you’re like [My Name] and her perversions.”

Me: “[Colleague]! You stop that right now!”

Supervisor: *to colleague* “Shut your puss, you old hag. My dad was abused by a Catholic priest when he was ten years old. He’s been very critical of religion ever since, especially Catholicism, which has more than enough secrets to damn the world thrice over. If you don’t like that, you can stick your crucifix where the sun doesn’t shine.”

(My colleague blushes and leaves the office, muttering about being so mistreated.)

Me: “Wow… [Supervisor], you might’ve just lost your job.”

Supervisor: “Who cares. It’s old witches like her that make life worse for the rest of us. What did she even mean, bringing you into that?”

Me: “My sister is gay, and I made the mistake of outing her to the office when she found out she was pregnant. [Colleague]’s been giving me nasty looks ever since. She’ll be gone in six months, and I don’t want the added baggage of a complaint so close to her retirement. It might give her the passion to stay, just to spite me.”

(He grumbled and left. When I went in the next morning, there was a nice new partition blocking my view of [Colleague], and a teddy bear with note attached saying to give it to my sister. To my knowledge, [Colleague] hasn’t complained about [Supervisor], and I’m counting the days until she’s gone for good.)

Mom Is Totally Mad(iba)

, , , , | Related | July 10, 2018

(A gem once said by my racist mother:)

Mom: “You know, that’s just so wrong! How can they stand for this?! There’s no way it should have been allowed!”

Me: “What do you mean, Mom? Everyone knows that he was innocent of any wrongdoing, and only imprisoned because he opposed their racist government!”

Mom: *looking at me condescendingly like I’m extremely naive* “Oh, really, [My Name]! What difference does that make to any right-thinking person?! What matters is that he spent decades in prison! How can any civilized country elect a man as president who’s spent decades in prison?! He’s clearly unsuitable after that! It’s just wrong!”

(Yes, she was talking about Nelson Mandela, when he and his presidency were once mentioned on the news.)

It May Be All Greek To Me But I Understood

, , , , , | Working | July 9, 2018

(While our family is German, my sister’s fiancé is Greek and moved to Germany with his whole family due to the Greek economy crisis. They went back to their home in Greece for a month in summer and invited my sister to join them for her summer holiday. It’s also important to note that my sister’s fiancé is very white, blonde, and blue-eyed, and doesn’t look typically Greek at all but rather Scandinavian. The two of them are out shopping. My sister does not speak Greek, and relies on her fiancé to translate or just speaks English. They are currently in a small clothing store. My sister wants to try on some shoes while her fiancé has gone elsewhere.)

Sister: “Excuse me, do you have these in [size]?”

Employee: “I think we do! Give me a moment; I’ll check in the back.”

(She comes back with the shoes in the correct size and my sister tries them on, but they don’t fit very well.)

Sister: “I like how they look, but they’re too narrow at the front and loose in the back. Do you maybe have something similar in a wider cut?”

(The employee is very polite and professional, and proceeds to show her several similar pairs. However, all of them are lacking a specific detail that the other shoe had and my sister liked very much. She doesn’t know how to describe it in English, though. Just then, her fiancé shows up with a few shirts he wants to buy.)

Fiancé: *in German* “Hi, babe, how’s it going? Did you find anything?”

(He kisses her.)

Fiancé: *to employee* “Hi!”

Employee: *to fiancé* “Hello, sir. Did you find everything all right?”

Sister: *in German* “[Fiancé]! I’ve been looking for shoes with [detail], but I don’t know how to say it in English! Can you translate it for me?”

(She then explains in German what she couldn’t say in English. Her fiancé proceeds to translate it to Greek for the employee. When he starts speaking Greek, the employee’s eyes go wide and her whole demeanour changes.)

Employee: *speaks rapidly in Greek, gesticulating wildly*

Fiancé: *answers in Greek, brows furrowed*

Employee: *more gesticulating, bats her eyes at [Fiancé]*

Fiancé: *shoves his shirts into the employee’s arms, says something in Greek angrily, and puts his arm around [Sister]*

Fiancé: *in German* “Come on, honey. We’re leaving.”

(He then pulls her out of the store. The employee yells something in Greek after them. Now outside, my sister asks what happened in the store.)

Fiancé: “When the employee realized I was Greek and you couldn’t understand us, she offered to sell everything to me without tax and receipt. I refused. She then called it a ‘special discount’ and started hitting on me, right next to you. She also said some racist things about Germans being greedy and taking all our money, and that I’d be better off without you. I told her to go f*** herself and her ‘discount.’”

(He looks at my sister and laughs.)

Fiancé: “After all, I love you, and your father is a tax accountant!”

Must Be Friends With Aaron Schlossberg

, , , , , , | Right | July 9, 2018

(A regular customer has come into my line. She speaks very limited English, so we do the transaction in Spanish, making small talk as I scan the items in. It’s very late for our store, past ten pm, and I’m the only open register. A burly man comes in line and slowly gets more and more frustrated, I assume because of the wait. It’s worth noting that I’m white, but speak pretty fluent Spanish.)

Me: *to [Customer #1], in Spanish* “Have a nice day, and good luck tomorrow!”

Customer #1: *in Spanish* “Oh, you, too. Sorry you’ll have the angry one.”

([Customer #1] leaves, and [Customer #2] looms over the register, getting in my face.)

Customer #2: “So, you speakin’ monkey language?”

(My jaw drops. I’m new, and still in high school. The guy has several inches on me, and no one is around.)

Me: “I-I’m sorry?”

Customer #2: “I asked if you was speakin’ monkey language.”

Me: *I blink* “Well, I can understand you just fine, sir.”

(The man went about purple in the face as I realized what I had just said. I was certain the man would kill me. With his neck veins literally bulging, he stormed out of the store, leaving his items.)

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