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Around The World In 80 Epithets

, , , | Right | September 4, 2008

Me: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Well, hello, dearie, what kind of mild coffee do you have today?”

Me: “Our light roast today is our Guatemala.”

Customer: “Oh, no. I don’t want coffee made by [racial epithet].”

Me: “Um… well, our dark roast is our Ethiopian.”

Customer: “I don’t want [another racial epithet] coffee either! Can’t you get me some American coffee?

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, coffee beans don’t grow anywhere in America except Hawaii. And we don’t carry any Kona.”

Customer: “D*** [yet another racial epithet]! Don’t want any of their coffee either. I just want some good old American coffee. That’s what I got last time.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Like I said, we don’t carry any coffee grown in America. Coffee doesn’t grow in the continental United States.”

Customer: “God d*** commies!” *storms off*

Racists: At Least Get Your Countries Straight

, , | Right | August 28, 2008

(I am a student in Sweden and I just finished making a transaction for a nice Japanese couple at a tourist center. Another tourist comes up.)

Me, in Swedish: “Can I help you?”

Customer, in English: “Sure, can you tell me about…” *mumbles*

Me, in English: “Can you repeat that, please?”

Customer: “Shut up! Don’t you dare mock me! You can’t speak American, you Chino!”

Me: “I’m Russian.”

Customer: “Well, you still can’t speak American!”

Me: “I was raised in the UK. And it’s called English.”

Customer: *storms out*

Boss: “What the f*** was that about?!”

Fowl Mouthed

, , , , | Right | August 26, 2008

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want lunch meat.”

Me: *grinning* “You’ve come to the right place!”

Customer: “I don’t appreciate your attitude, you f****** b****!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’m paying for your brown a** to live here!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m Irish. And I’ve lived here my entire life.”

Customer: “GIVE ME SOME F****** TURKEY!”

Me: “What type of turkey would you like?”

Customer: “Plain!”

Me: “Cooked? Smoked? Oven Roasted? Fat-free? We also have a wide selection of gourmet turkeys, such as honey maple and tomato basil.”

Customer: “My kid won’t eat that fancy s***! I just want some f****** turkey!”

(The store manager has been standing behind her the entire time and speaks up.)

Manager: “Cooked? Smoked? Oven Roasted? Fat-Free? She gave you the types. Just f****** pick a flavour so she can serve me so I can take my lunch!”

Customer: “F*** THIS COUNTRY!”

What Is This Culturally Monolithic Country Coming To

, , , , , , | Right | August 20, 2008

Me: “Good evening, sir. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I want a good movie.”

Me: “Of course. I recommend Pan’s Labyrinth; it was excellent.”

Coworker: “You are aware that this movie has subtitles.”

Customer: “What the f*** is that?”

Coworker: “The words at the bottom you have to read. It’s in Spanish.”

Customer: “What the f*** is that? We’re in America; we don’t speak Spanish! I want it in American!”

(He storms off and promptly returns with ‘Apocalypto.’)

Me: “Sir, you do know this movie has subtitles, too?”

Customer: “What the f***? What is this country coming to? When did we become another country?! I want a god-d*** American movie! Where are the American movies?”

Me: “The store is full of movies made in America.”

(He walks back up about ten minutes later with ‘Letters From Iwo Jima’ in his hand.)

Customer: “This is the movie by Clint Eastwood, right?”

Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “And it’s really good, too.”

Customer: “Clint Eastwood is a real American. He knows what I like!”

(I gave a look to my coworker who didn’t say anything that time, and we rented him the movie. Too bad ‘Letters From Iwo Jima’ is all in Japanese with English subtitles.)


This story is part of the Scared-Of-Subtitles roundup!

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Maybe They’re Having A Pow Wow At Starbucks

, , , , , | Right | August 15, 2008

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Coworker: “Yes, may I help you?”

Customer: “I just wanted to say how disappointed I am with your town!”

Coworker: “Okay, why is that?”

Customer: “I haven’t seen an Indian! This is supposed to be Cherokee Nation, and I haven’t seen one Indian! We came all the way down here from Illinois and wanted to see Indians!”

Coworker: “Come again?”

Customer: “All we’ve seen are normal people! We want to see Indians!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, they dress and look just like the rest of us. If you want to see reenactments, you need to go to Tsa-La-Gi outside town.”

Customer: “They don’t dress like that all the time?”

Coworker: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “What about teepees?”

Coworker: “That’s plains Indians, ma’am, and no. They don’t live in teepees.”

Customer: “Oh…” *mutters while walking away* “… came to see Indians and all we get are regular people…”


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