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Not So Beautiful Mind

, , , , , | Right | May 24, 2010

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book based off a movie. Life is Beautiful, I think?”

Me: “I don’t believe Life is Beautiful” was originally a book. Are you perhaps thinking of A Beautiful Mind?”

Customer: “Yes! Yes that’s the one! Get me that one! It’s the one about World War II. And the guy is burned. And there’s a French Nurse. That’s the book I want!”

Me: “That actually sounds like The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje. I can grab a copy of that for you!”

Customer: “Yes! The English Patient. That sounds right. But Michael Ondaatje, that sounds like a foreign name. No, The English Patient wasn’t written by a foreigner. Do you have a copy that wasn’t written by Ondaatje? I want that story, but I want it written by a Canadian.”

Me: “So you want a copy of The English Patient that is not written by Michael Ondaatje?”

Customer: “Yes! That’s what I want. Do you have any copies of that story written by Margaret Atwood? I do like her.”

Me: “No. I really don’t think we do.”

Customer: “Oh. Do you think any of your other stores might?”

Me: “I doubt it, ma’am.”


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Doesn’t Know Their A(merican)B(orn)C(hinese)’s

, , | Right | January 15, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Chinese Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like an order for delivery.”

Me: “Okay, if you’ll just give me your–”

Customer: *cutting me off* “Is this a real Chinese restaurant?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “I’ve just never heard anyone talk like you at a Chinese restaurant. I’m just making sure Americans aren’t cooking my Chinese food!”


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The Land Of Milk And Money

, , , , , | Right | November 23, 2009

(I am working at a packing house, cutting checks for local dairy farmers who sell us one or two cows at a time. They are given a scale ticket in the barn, which I use to cut a check.)

Me: “Hi, can I have your scale ticket?”

Farmer: “I’d like him to help me.” *points at a USDA associate*

Me: “Sorry, sir, but he doesn’t work for us. He works for the USDA.”

Farmer: “Well, I’d like you to find a MAN who can cut me a check for my cows.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but none of the men that work here know how to cut checks. All our office staff members are women.”

Farmer: “Don’t lie, you little hussy! Only men can run a business! You go back to making coffee!”

Me: “Sir, you run a dairy farm, correct?”

Farmer: “Yeah.”

Me: “And you make money from the milk you sell?”

Farmer: “That’s how a dairy farm works, sweetheart. Now get me a–”

Me: “So, basically, milk is money to you?”

Farmer: “Yes. Now get me a–”

Me: “And does the milk come from male cattle?”

Farmer: “Ha ha! NO!”

Me: *pointed look*

Farmer: *hands me the scale ticket*


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Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | October 19, 2009

(I’m ringing up a sweater for a customer at the till.)

Customer: “This isn’t for me. It’s for that homeless guy across the street.”

Me: “That’s very kind of you, ma’am.”

Customer: “I know! It’s important to give back to the less fortunate.”

(As I’m finishing with the transaction, she glances around the store.)

Customer: “Wow, it’s pretty dead in here.”

Me: “Yeah, we get a slow day every now and again.”

Customer: “Well, I know that. I figured there would be a lot of people cashing their welfare cheques today.”

(I’m not sure what to say to that, so I finish the transaction. As I’m putting the sweater in the bag with the rest of her items…)

Customer: “Woah! Put that in a different bag, please. I don’t want that bum’s sweater touching my stuff!”

Stuck In Reverse

, , | Right | October 5, 2009

(I am a woman that works at a convenience store nearby a motor speedway.)

Me: “Hello, sir, is there anything else I can help you with?”

Male Customer: “No, the only thing left I need is someone to tell me who is in which car racing today. You wouldn’t know anything about that.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but why wouldn’t I know anything about the race?”

Male Customer: “Well, ’cause you’re a woman!”

Me: “Okay, sir, so what you’re saying is because I’m a woman I can’t possibly know anything about Jeff Gordon in 24, Ryan Newman in 39, or Tony Stewart in 14. Did I miss anyone that you were particularly interested in?”

Male Customer: “Umm… no?”

Me: “Okay, then. Thank you and come again!”

(The customer looks down, takes his items, and walks out of the store. The next customer is also male.)

Next Customer: “So, what do you think about Stewarts’ chances this race?”