His Tone Requires A Gear Shift

| Right | May 27, 2013

(My uncle owns a chain of bike shops. We’re having a meal with my grandparents, and have gathered at the shop waiting for my cousin to finish his shift. An obnoxious customer is giving him trouble.)

Customer: “You are useless! Do you even know anything about bikes?”

Cousin: “When I’m not here, I race them.”

Customer: “Don’t take that tone with me!”

Cousin: “I wasn’t trying to take any tone—”

Customer: “Do you know who I am?! I’m the owner’s brother, and I will have you fired!”

(I am unable to contain myself, and turn to my brother.)

Me: “Did you hear that, bro? We’ve got another uncle!”

Customer: “…What?”

(The customer turns to see the crowd of us waiting.)

Dad: “I have another brother?”

Granddad: *to my grandmother* “Was this while I was away at sea? How could you?”

Grandmother: “All the jokes about a child in every port, and you were hiding THIS?”

Customer: “I… er…”

Uncle: “Well you don’t need to ring me; I’m here already! What has my son done this time?”

(The customer runs out. My dad starts shouting after him in a bad Italian accent.)

Dad: “You don’t a messa with the family!”

Grandmother: *to my granddad* “Well that one’s definitely yours.”

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Building Morale Vs. Building Bikes

| Working | May 25, 2012

(We have a regional manager who would sometimes drop by and try to motivate us to build more bikes faster. The thing is, while he is a decent manager, he did not know much about the actual bikes. Usually, bikes take anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half to build, depending on the bike.)

Manager: “So, I see there are a few holes on the racks. Are you guys trying to fill them?”

Coworker: “Yeah, the builder is working on those. I will help once I get done with today’s repairs.”

Manager: “Well, it shouldn’t take that long. I did one once, and it only took like a half an hour!” *leaves*

Coworker: *to me* “Yeah, he built one alright—except it fell apart on the first day and was returned right after that. Took me a few hours to fix all his mistakes! We never told him.”

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Just Follow The Purple Brick Road

, , | Right | October 30, 2009

(At the bike rental shop where I work, we usually give customers a map of the area to know the route they’re taking.)

Customer: “Which of these routes do we take?”

Me: “You’re going to follow the bike path. It’s the purple one on your map.”

Customer: “Oh, perfect!” *to her friends* “We just have to look for a purple trail!”

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