A couple are in my lane.

Husband: “Did you see [Name] here earlier?”

Wife: “Yes. She couldn’t stop boasting about all her healthy crap in her cart. I could see her looking at our Oreos and judging us. I was about to get more!”

Husband: “Want me to run back and get some? They should be gone by now.”

Wife: “Oh, yes! The ghost should be clear now.”

Husband: “…ghost?”

Wife: “Yes. The ghost is clear. It’s a saying.”

Husband: “No, I know, but it’s the coast is clear.”

Wife: “No, it’s ghost because ghosts are clear. You can see clear through them.”

Husband: *To me.* “Please inform my dear wife that the expression is ‘the coast is clear’.”

Me: “I’m afraid your husband is correct, ma’am, but I actually like your one better.”

Wife: “Well, mine actually makes sense! How can a coast be clear! It has all that sand and the waves! No, it’s ghost and I’m sticking to it.”

Me: “Me too!”

Husband: *Playful.* “Ugh, what happened to the customer always being right?”

Me: “When the customers disagree, always side with the wife.”

Husband: “Yeah… that’s good advice.”

Customer: “Is this cashew cheese… cheese?”

Me: “I’ve never actually looked into it, but…” *I read the ingredients list.* “So, it looks like they ground up cashews and mixed them with water, yeast, lemon juice, and garlic. It’s totally vegan.”

Customer: “So it’s not real cheese?”

Me: “No, it just resembles cheese.”

Customer: “D*** it!”

Me: *Puzzled look.*

Customer: “My wife is giving me s*** because I thought cheese grew on trees. I thought this would be my loophole…”

A few minutes later, I see him walking up to me carrying a rice-based cheese alternative.

Me: “Still not a cheese, and rice doesn’t grow on trees, either.”

Customer: *Slumps shoulders, walking away forlornly.*

A couple seems to be on a date. I’m getting them started on drinks:

Woman: “I’ll have the virgin cocktail. I’m two months pregnant!”

Me: “Oh, congratulations!”

Man: “I’ll have the dark stout—”

Woman: “—No, you will have the sparkling water with a slice of lemon.”

She comes out of this so abruptly that both the guy and I pause for a moment in shock.

Man: *Sighs.* “…Yeah, that.”

Me: “Ooookay, and do you know what you want to eat?”

Woman: “Since I’m eating for two, I will have the cheeseburger and fries, throw in some extra ranch for the side salad, and those deep-fried cheese balls you do so well.”

Me: “Excellent choices, ma’am, and you, sir?”

Man: “I will have—”

Woman: “—the Caesar salad, dressing on the side.”

Man: “Really?”

Woman: “Yes, I’m serious! This baby is not going to be getting any fat genes from you! You need to stay trim until the birth!”

I can’t help it, but I share a pained look with the guy.

Man: *To me.* “Let’s hope the kid gets my brains, eh?”

Related:
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 23
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 22
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 21
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 20
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 19

A couple has just finished having their items scanned. The man is getting ready to pay, and the register prompts me to ask:

Me: “Sir, would you like to sign up for our loyalty card?”

Customer’s Wife: “Ha! That man isn’t even loyal to his wife, and you think he’s going to be loyal to a store?!”

Customer: *To me, ignoring his wife.* “Hmm, that depends, would [Store] reward my loyalty by being a rampaging and emasculating b****?”

Me: “Uh… no?”

Customer: *All smiles.* “Then sure! Sign me up!”

I did NOT want to get in the middle of whatever was going on there, but I helped them save 10% on their shopping total that day, so… yay?

A couple is looking at our watches.

Customer: “It says that this watch is waterproof up to a hundred meters.”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “Is that depth or distance?”

Me: “Uh… that’s depth, sir. If you’re swimming on the surface, your watch won’t know how far you’ve swum.”

Customer: “Don’t make me sound like an idiot! I had to make sure.”

Me: “I understand, sir.”

Customer: “How many people swim a hundred meters deep?! That’s like three hundred feet! No one does that, so it’s not a stupid question! There’s zero chance of me swimming a hundred meters of depth!”

Customer’s Wife: “Yeah, but there’s zero chance of you swimming a hundred meters of distance, either, so leave the poor man alone and just buy your stupid watch.”