I am unfortunate enough to get assigned a middle seat on the long flight I’m about to take. Worse, I appear to be sitting between a couple who tried that strategy of booking the window and aisle seats, hoping that the middle seat between them would remain vacant, so they’re resenting me as soon as I sit down. 

Within minutes of sitting down, I realize I don’t seem to be their biggest problem; however, as they are constantly bickering with each other.

Him: “A ten-hour flight with you, dear. How lucky I am, considering you barely give me five minutes a day back home.”

Her: “Maybe if you were interesting, I’d want to spend more time with you.”

Him: “Maybe if you were worth being interesting for, I’d make an effort!”

And so on and so forth. Less than an hour into the flight, I’d learned that one (or both) of them had cheated, that they both thought couples counseling had been a waste of time, and one of them woke up from a nightmare recently, saw their spouse sleeping next to them, and started missing the nightmare.

Me: “Would you like to switch seats?”

Her: “And sit next to him? No, thank you.”

Him: “Similar sentiment.”

Me: “Well then, would you mind not talking to each other for the rest of the flight, or I’m going to have to insist.”

Her: “Calm down, it’s not like we’re physically in your space.”

They were silent for a few more minutes, but then one of them started to pipe up at mealtime.

Her: “Oh, look, you asked for the fatty carb option again. How surprising—”

Me: *Loud, to both of them.* “—WONDERFUL WEATHER WE’RE HAVING, AREN’T WE?!”

Both: “Uh… what?”

Me: *Adding some manic energy.* “I SAID, WONDERFUL WEATHER WE’RE HAVING, AREN’T WE?!”

Him: “…We’re on a plane.”

Silent for a few more minutes.

Him: *Scrolling the movie options.* “Oh, look, they have that movie all about you. Gone In Sixty Seconds—”

Me: “—I LIKE RAISINS!”

Both: “Huh?”

Me: “—I LIKE RAISINS… AND CARROTS!”

Her: “Could you please be quiet?!”

Me: “Calm down, it’s not like I’m physically in your space.”

Her: “…”

Him: “…”

Me: “…”

Him: “Take my seat.”

Me: “Oh, well, if you insist!”

I took the aisle seat and left them to bear each other’s company up close and personal. Instead of bickering between them, they just glared at me the entire flight. I think by giving them a common enemy I might have fixed their marriage!

A couple is buying some items at my checkout. The guy has typed in his number for the rewards card. A notification appears on my screen.

Me: “Excuse me, Mr. [Customer’s Name], it appears you have enough points for—”

Customer: “—it’s doctor.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “I worked hard to be called Dr. [Customer’s Name]. Not mister.”

Me: “I apologize. Dr. [Customer’s Name], it appears—”

Customer’s Wife: “—Don’t mind him, hun. He’s got a doctorate in Philosophy! He doesn’t need to be walking around forcing people to call him doctor!”

Customer: *Through gritted teeth, at his wife.* “A doctorate is a doctorate!”

Customer’s Wife: *Out loud, to no one.* “Help! Is there a doctor in the house! Someone is thinking, but isn’t ‘I am’ yet! It’s an emergency!”

He glares at his wife but then turns to me, pays quickly, and storms off.

I am about to order some medication for a patient who has a stroke risk. We cannot give this medication if they’ve had brain surgery at any point in their life, so I ask him:

Me: “Have you ever had any form of brain surgery? Even minor?”

Patient: “Nope.”

We run a CT scan, and I have a look at it.

Me: “Wait, what’s this metallic object on the scan?”

Patient: “Oh, that’s where my ex-wife shot me in the head. Still got a bit of the bullet in there.”

Me: “Sir, that’s an important detail I needed to know! That’s a no-go on the [medication].”

Patient: “Well, it wasn’t surgery.”

I am browsing through the Christmas displays when I hear a woman calling to her companion, who is in the aisle behind me. We can all see each other as the fixtures are low.

Woman: “Come and look at these ornaments, they are so cute.”

Man: *Scoffs.* “Did you just say ornaments? It’s ordaments, you’re saying it wrong.”

He’s walking toward her as he’s talking.

Woman: “No, I’m not, the word is ornament.”

Man: “What sort of word is ornament? It’s ordament, you’re saying it wrong.” *Lowers his voice.* “It makes you sound dumb.”

Woman: “Okay, then why don’t you try reading the tag?”

Man: “Okaaay, I will… Oh, umm… they aren’t that cute.”

He quickly leaves the area, as she shakes her head, following after him.

I did look at the ornaments that she was indicating. He was right that they weren’t that cute.

An older couple is checking out.

Female Customer: “Oh, shoot! I forgot the peanuts.”

Male Customer: “Go get them, I’ll pack.”

Female Customer: “No, you don’t pack the way I like. You go get them.”

Male Customer: “But I don’t know where they are.”

Me: “Aisle thirty-two. Back left of the store.”

Female Customer: “There you go. She told you.”

He grumbles and shoots a glare at me, but he does head into the back of the store.

Me: “I’m guessing you’re the one who takes charge of the shopping?”

Female Customer: “I have to!”

I scan the rest of the items, and she’s finished bagging. No sign of her husband yet.

Female Customer: “Ugh! Where is that man of mine? He got lost again!”

Before I have a chance to get too nervous, we see him walking back. He’s making no attempt to hurry, even though he can see I have a line of customers waiting.

Male Customer: *To me.* “These took forever to find! You have too many nuts!”

Female Customer: “What the h*** is that?! We always get the store brand peanuts! I don’t recognize this one!”

Male Customer: “Well, I’m not going back again!”

Female Customer: “No, you’re not! You’d only get lost again! I swear if you fell off a cliff, you’d have to stop for directions!”

The guffaw from the next customer in line, along with me, lessened the tension a little bit, although the guy did turn a bit redder than he was before…