I Don’t Drink Your Milkshake

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 20, 2019

(Shortly after my girlfriend and I start dating, I start making us fruit smoothies as healthy treats, but my girlfriend never likes what I make her and usually only drinks a few ounces. She has various complaints, such as the smoothies being too sour, being able to taste the vegetable components, claiming to taste the ground seeds or nuts, or just not liking the texture. One visit, she rejects another smoothie recipe and drops this gem on me.)

Girlfriend: “I like my smoothies. My recipe is milk, vanilla ice cream, blueberries, a banana, and strawberries.”

Me: “Then I think your problem is that you don’t like smoothies.”

Girlfriend: “Yes, I do! I just like my smoothies!”

Me: “Those aren’t smoothies; you’re making milkshakes.”

Girlfriend: “They are smoothies!”

Me: “I don’t think you know what smoothies or milkshakes are.”

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Padding Out This Story

, , , , , | Friendly | September 18, 2018

(I’m a man, and my female friend from California is visiting me in Maryland for the weekend before her next semester of college starts. We’re going to tour DC with my girlfriend. Her first morning after her flight, we’ve woken up, and I come out of the shower to find her still sitting on my futon.)

Friend: “Um… Hey. Can I ask you a stupid question?”

Me: “Sure.”

Friend: “…”

Me: “Go on.”

Friend: *chuckles* “Do you have any pads?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid I don’t have much of a need to stock feminine hygiene products. Did you forget to pack some?”

Friend: *sheepishly* “Yes.”

Me: “There is a supermarket nearby; I’d be happy to walk down and buy some.”

Friend: “No, no, I don’t want to have to make you do that.”

Me: “Well… [Girlfriend] should be here in about an hour; I can ask her to bring some.”

(She agrees, and I text my girlfriend about the problem. She finds the situation amusing and agrees to bring some pads for my friend. Unfortunately, my girlfriend is delayed, but my friend insists that she doesn’t want to burden me with a five-minute walk to the store, so she sits on my bed watching a movie in her PJs for two hours until my girlfriend arrives. I introduce them to each other.)

Girlfriend: *fishes a selection of pads out of her purse* “Um… Here?”

Friend: *hugs her* “Yes! You’re a lifesaver!”

Me: “No, she’s a pantysaver.”

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Unfiltered Story #115156

, , | Unfiltered | June 19, 2018

Me: Hi, how are you today?

Customer: I’m happier than a moskeeter in a nudist camp! How are you?

Me: I’m pretty happy too.

Customer: You’re not that happy, are you?